Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A bag contains equal numbers of blue and red marbles. If two of them are drawn from the bag at random, the odds against their both being red are four to one.

Instead of drawing these two marbles, however, I draw(at random) some of the marbles from the bag, and transfer them to a second bag, which I will call Bag 2. Now one marble is drawn at random from Bag 1 and a second from Bag 2.

What are the odds against their both being blue?

2006-11-06 19:17:54 · 3 answers · asked by enigma 1

God created man..... and He stepped back and said:
"This is an image of perfection indeed.
From the beautifully defined muscles,
to it's grinning shaggy head.
From the slightly furry torso,
to it's easy going tread.
Lets create something for it to wed."

So God went on to create a woman... and He stepped back and said:
"Oh good grief, this thing's going to have to wear make-up."

2006-11-06 18:57:23 · 7 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

OK here goes, A newly wedded couple were driving through a forrest. But when miles from anywhere the car runs out of fuel, so the husband gets out of the car locking the car as he leaves to fetch the fuel. but when he returns his wife is dead and there is another person in the car but the doors were still locked and had never opened what happened?

2006-11-06 18:56:58 · 8 answers · asked by whay i lost my ?s 6

I am 5' 2"ish tall and I have been made fun of alot for my height. (it's not like it's my fault, I didn't ask to be this short) Anyway, having red hair plus being short (I have Irish in my blood), gets lots of jokes because everybody is apparently a comedian. I have been called a leprachuan. I have been asked if I liked strawberry 'short' cake . Ive had people pretend they couldn't see me, lol, if i was a cruel person it would have made for a good sucker punch in the stomach. Anyways, I am trying to make up some rebuttals to these jokes so I need to know all the 'short' jokes out there...Thanks for your time!

2006-11-06 18:31:14 · 9 answers · asked by Katie W 3

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

I've been thinking about it all night and i just don't understand lol..

2006-11-06 18:19:00 · 22 answers · asked by lisshaxu 1

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home."



At a bar, one patron to another: “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
Why?
“You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you"


Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"


Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

2006-11-06 18:18:24 · 28 answers · asked by anitha 4

A car's odometer shows 72927 miles, a palindromic number. What are the minimum miles you would need to travel to form another? (a palindrome can be read both forwards and backwards, like "Kayak")

2006-11-06 18:16:00 · 11 answers · asked by aufrecht_melcher_grossaspach_05 1

2006-11-06 18:12:10 · 5 answers · asked by pang k 2

I have to speak to a crowd of expat Brits, Kiwis, Aussies & Indians at a cricket awards dinner coming up soon.

Cheers!

2006-11-06 17:52:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 17:49:09 · 12 answers · asked by Sasha 1

2006-11-06 17:47:50 · 18 answers · asked by Rez 5

2006-11-06 17:27:36 · 3 answers · asked by ralp2k 1

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

2006-11-06 17:11:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off.' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

2006-11-06 17:05:55 · 11 answers · asked by craigfleur 1

CUTE HALLOWEEN JOKE


A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you suppose to be?"


"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed
differently.


They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just too darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black.


Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED!!"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.
"Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl.

"I'm plain. He's got nuts!"

2006-11-06 17:02:10 · 16 answers · asked by EriksSweetheart 3

2006-11-06 17:02:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:

I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
Oh, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Oh, facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She's a witch...I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking?!?
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

2006-11-06 16:58:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 16:55:02 · 5 answers · asked by bonehead 2

Said something that you meant to be innocent,but it came out wrong??????For example,my friends and I were at an amusement park,and we had all won basketballs that day.Well,we were loading onto a ride where you had to hold onto your stuff during the ride and without thinking,I yelled "Hold onto your balls yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"I then realzied what I said and all my friends and everyone in the lines either had this astonished look on their face,or they were busting up laughing.I was mortified!!!

2006-11-06 16:52:41 · 9 answers · asked by polly! :) Hahahahaha 2

a man was going on a business trip, and he wanted to make sure his wife didnt cheat on him. he went to a voodoo priest and had a spell put on a d!ldo. he told his wife, all she had to do was call it by its name and tell it what to f*uck. when her husband left, she said, "voodoo d!ldo, my p*ussy." and the voodoo d!ldo went straight to work, giving her the best pleasure shes ever had. after 5 orgasms, she felt like she had had enough, but her husband forgot to tell her how to make it stop. she decided her only option would be to drive to the voodoo shop. but while entering the freeway, she had another orgasm and swerved on the road, attracting the attention of a policeman. he stopped her on the side of the road and asked her "ma'am, why were you swerving??" and the wife said, "the voodoo d!ldo gave me an orgasm, and i dont know how to make it stop!" the officer laughed at her ridiculous explanation and said "voodoo d!ldo, my ***."

2006-11-06 16:32:19 · 18 answers · asked by ajakhatarinaak47 2

2006-11-06 16:30:01 · 10 answers · asked by gatorgirl 1

what is a tasteless joke

2006-11-06 16:28:37 · 13 answers · asked by Q 2

2006-11-06 16:23:52 · 1 answers · asked by Khamani says R.I.P. Sean Taylor 3

gOt a prOblem

sOlve it

cant stand me

sit dOwn .

think im trippin

tie my shOes

MY FRIEND HAD THAT ON HER BEBO PAGE & I WANT SOME LIKE THAT. THINK OF ANY? PLEASE TELL ME!!! :)

2006-11-06 16:12:48 · 7 answers · asked by Khamani says R.I.P. Sean Taylor 3

I Love My Job




I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day.

I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care...

I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!!

I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam.

I love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!

2006-11-06 16:10:25 · 21 answers · asked by chris b 4

Why are blonde jokes usually short?


So brunnettes and red-heads can understand them.

2006-11-06 16:05:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…no point in you coming in for that."

2006-11-06 16:02:56 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's ****.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

2006-11-06 15:38:46 · 26 answers · asked by ? 5

*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

2006-11-06 15:21:49 · 28 answers · asked by chris b 4

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

2006-11-06 15:21:14 · 13 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5