Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

How did the Stamp Act benifet the British??????

2006-11-06 10:58:08 · 12 answers · asked by *Music ♥ Love* 3

I don't know the answer either. Just thought you guys might know. The question was asked to me by a prof. in college (a fun class). If you said "on the bridge" she would say that would have been before he jumped. If you said "in the air" she would say that was after he had jumped...lol

2006-11-06 10:57:05 · 11 answers · asked by bigbadwolf 5

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant - where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. "I'll have those, please," he tells the waiter.
"I'm sorry, Senor," somes the reply, "but they are cojones - the testicles of the bull killed in the local bullfight. We won't have any more until after the next fight."
Disappointed, the man returnes after the next fight. The waiter remembers him and brings out a plate of two steaming balls.
"Just a minute," says the man. "These are tiny. The ones the man had were four times as big."
The waiter shrugs. "Senor - sometimes the bull, he win."

2006-11-06 10:54:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i mean really funny ones?

2006-11-06 10:50:07 · 13 answers · asked by beans 1

"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get
a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the
koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,
finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up
and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

*"F*uuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

2006-11-06 10:44:16 · 22 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

2006-11-06 10:41:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman phones the doc & informs him her husband's not well. The doc asks her to tell him her husbands symptoms which she does. 'Ok!' says the doc......' It seems it could be a number of things, you must tell him to see me as soon as possible and bring with him a sample of his urine, excrement, sperm, and sweat'. The woman puts down the phone & her husband asks her what the doc said. She tells him,........'Youve got to see the doctor tomorrow first thing in the morning'.........'Oh!'.....'And you've got to take a pair of your underpants with you!!'

2006-11-06 10:34:10 · 16 answers · asked by kev3753 1

so you guys know that magic trick where a person puts a ketchup bottle in a brown paper bag and then he crumples up the bag(and the bottle disappears)?? yeah. so how do they do that? its been bugging me all day. thankss

2006-11-06 10:33:56 · 5 answers · asked by Christina 2

... and what it may be worth? Antiques Roadshow expert,.."It's a header tank, dear!".

2006-11-06 10:33:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What doesn't happen in a second, once in a minute, none in an hour, none in a day (only on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday), it happened yesterday, today, and will tomorrow. It happens every century but never in a decade or millenium. It is in every lifetime; what is it?

2006-11-06 10:30:06 · 13 answers · asked by WIDE OUTxx0017 3

"Here's your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,"says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss."Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go." The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so hesays, "All right, final question: same rulesagain, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the
>
> > base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred." The boss looks
>at
> > the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that
> > represents a hundred!" Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base
>of
> > each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.
>So
> > now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and
>dirty
> > tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred.... So, when do I be starting
>the
> > job?!"

2006-11-06 10:29:32 · 17 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

the clues are as follows:
1. Zeus' bolt
2. heavy metal
3. self-centered
4. flashdance
5. immense
6. wax on, wax off

The question is : WHERE IS THE CAT?

the answer has to be in prepositional form like the cat is under the __-or the cat is inside of the ____. aNY IDEAS?

2006-11-06 10:28:44 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Republican sticker on bumper, turning left on a no-left-turn intersection, kids in back seat screaming and flipping off other drivers: INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA

2006-11-06 10:27:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 10:23:24 · 6 answers · asked by malcomheather 1

Some kind of seasonal disease of the frustrated kind?

2006-11-06 10:16:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 10:12:01 · 5 answers · asked by forest lover 2

my daughter called me at work to say i was to phone ian at my bank. the operator asked me what is ians last name and i explained that he hadnt left his surname. when she asked for his department, i said i didnt know.

"there are 1500 employees in this building, sir" she advised me rather curtly.

so i aked her for her name.

"danielle," she said.

"and your last name?" i asked.

"sorry," she replied, "we dont give out our last names."

2006-11-06 10:11:11 · 7 answers · asked by chris b 4

2006-11-06 10:09:12 · 10 answers · asked by Mr.Funny 1

"Can we have sex?" No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As hefinishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. Ha-ha,he cries. "I am the hippie!" >>>"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver"

2006-11-06 10:05:03 · 19 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

2006-11-06 10:03:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on these, just the stone cold truth of great friendship:

1. When you are sad ...I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ...I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ...I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared ...I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ...I will use little words.

7. When you are sick ...Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy a-s-s.

This is my oath; I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend."

"And always remember: when life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!"

2006-11-06 10:00:25 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s-h-i-t out of a ghost."

2006-11-06 09:57:40 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-11-06 09:47:11 · 15 answers · asked by beeyellowarena 1

The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk,still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh1t out of a gost.'' I know its a bit late but happy halloween

2006-11-06 09:45:00 · 10 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Okay, me and my friends are having a "yo momma" fight!!!! Got any good jokes? Cuz' I'm dry right now!!!! HEEEEELLLLPPPPP ME!!!! pleaz!!!! Thanx!!!!

2006-11-06 09:34:48 · 7 answers · asked by Sammi 3

An innocent young girl is getting married to a sailor and her mum takes her aside a few days before the nuptuals to explain a few things.

"Sailors spend a lot of time at sea and sometimes do odd things, he may ask you sometime to 'do it the other way' so you must decide if you love him enough to allow this.

Well it is heaven for the girl, she loves sex and one night six months later decides to please her man, she turns to him and says, "Would you like to do it the other way?"

He replied "What? and fill the house with kids?"

2006-11-06 09:32:21 · 12 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up
the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on
a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night, the man arrives at her house with flowers and chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a small towel.
"I'm terribly sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I go
up and finish getting dressed, I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little
uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his armchair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over
her bum.
Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and
balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully
dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man being
completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done anything wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your
Mother jumps from her chair, ......( and explains what happened).
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and
Dad was replying, 'No, f*ck him - I'm watching the match.'

2006-11-06 09:19:00 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

its not over until the fat lady sings...what fat lady?

2006-11-06 09:11:17 · 17 answers · asked by irush 1

A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife.

But accidently the call went to a cricket stadium.

He asked what is the condition.

He died after what he heard.

Guess What would be the reply ....

It is ...











7 are already out.

3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.

and .................................


The first one was a DUCK.

2006-11-06 09:07:00 · 11 answers · asked by doubt devil 2

Enjoy...

BAD LUCK

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

2006-11-06 09:05:45 · 10 answers · asked by kisme86 3