Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

what starts with a C, ends with an R, contains the letter O and has speakers? my bf is making me something an he will only give me those clues. plz help!!

2006-11-06 12:39:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.

Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.

Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.

Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the pastor asked why.

Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

2006-11-06 12:37:17 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

2006-11-06 12:36:02 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

How did they know that Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?


((Christa McAuliffe is the teacher in the 1986 Challenger space crash))


FYI::if you take offense to this, i really don't care. you can post your feelings, but i still, don't give a damn.

2006-11-06 12:32:30 · 11 answers · asked by Instant. 3

One day the security guard of the museum came knocking on my office door. He stated that there was a man of questionable intentions asking for me. I agreed to meet the man in the lobby. As I approached him I could see what the security guard meant. Here was a man of questionable character. But I had a been the museum business for a couple of decades and I had meet worse. And taken items from worse. This particular man presented a coin of very authntic appearence with the face of a famous ruler and the date 476 b.c.e on the face with a beautiful dipiction of a sunset on the mountains. A worn and faded specimen but still a wonderful find. I immediately called the security guard back and the man was placed into handcuffs. Why?

2006-11-06 12:30:54 · 7 answers · asked by apost 3

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

2006-11-06 12:29:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An octopus walks into a bar and says 'I can play ANY musical instrument you like' English man gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton. Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about for a few minutes, the scots man says 'whats wrong-can ye no play it ' The octopus says 'Play it - im gonna f**k her as soon as i get her pajama's off

2006-11-06 12:18:22 · 16 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

2006-11-06 12:17:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. you are driving a bus for th city. your route is stop at macon and third take a right....drive 1.3 miles to devon street take a left...there is a stop at the bakery....take a right 4.3 miles and head south for about 1.2 miles....left onto main street to the community center. at the various stops excluding the stop at the base the number of passengers are as follows: 3 at the first; 4 at the second; little timmy is the only one at the 3rd; and 6 total at the last....so the question is what color is the driver's eyes.

2006-11-06 12:17:39 · 10 answers · asked by apost 3

I heard that quiz on radio on my way to work, but never did find the answer! Now the question is just buzzing in my mind like an irritating fly!!

2006-11-06 12:10:09 · 14 answers · asked by Lady Liza 2

2006-11-06 12:05:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 old guys with alzeimer's disease were sitting on a park bench on a hot summer's day. One turned to the other and asked if he fancied an ice cream. 'Ok' said Bill 'I'll have one'...'Do you want a flake in it?' asked Charlie.....'Ok but you'll never remember that ' says Bill....'Oh yes I will' says Charlie. 'What about some crushed nuts on top?' asks Charlie.......'Yes, fine but here's no way you'll remember all this, we've got alzeimer's' says Bill.......'How about some raspberry sauce on as well?' Charlie asks.......'Definitely, but look, you can't possibly remember all that' says Bill......So Charlie goes on his way......20 minutes later he comes back.......'Here's your pie Bill' and hands Bill a pie..........Bill shouts...........'I knew it!'......'I bloody well knew you would forget!!.........'Where's my friggin' chips!!?

2006-11-06 12:04:44 · 15 answers · asked by kev3753 1

You Are No Longer "Cool" When


You find yourself listening to talk radio.


You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.


The pattern on your shorts and couch match.


You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.


You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.


You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.


You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.


You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.


When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.


When jogging is something you do to your memory.


Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.


All the cars behind you flash their headlights.


You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.


You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.


You actually ASK for your father's advice.


You don't know how to operate a fax machine.


When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

2006-11-06 12:04:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say


What do you mean today's our anniversary?


Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.


Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!


And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!


Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.


Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.


I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

2006-11-06 12:01:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:


Here honey, you use the remote.


You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.


Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!


While I'm up, can I get you anything?


Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?


Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?


Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.


Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.


We never talk anymore

2006-11-06 12:00:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was watching this documentery on paris hilton on how dumb she is and someone asked her if she has ever been to walmart and she said and i quote "Oh, Isn't that the store where poor country people go to get walls and stuff?"

2006-11-06 11:54:27 · 13 answers · asked by Aycilla 3

How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars don't start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don't start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

2006-11-06 11:49:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a town and needs a hair cut. He sees a man and asks where he can get his hair done. The man said there are only 2 places, a place on the West Side and a place on the East Side. The man goes to the East side and sees a barbershop, and it looks terrible. The mans place is dirty and his hair isn't groomed nicely. He sees outside it is 10 dollars to get a haircut and decides to leave. He goes to the West side and sees a beautiful barber shop. The floors are clean and the mans hair is styled nicely and he sees it is also 10 dollars to get his haircut. He sits down and thinks to himself and goes back to the East side... Why does he do that?

♥

2006-11-06 11:48:19 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral


Geez, what died in here?


He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.


Nice service...where's the keg?


When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!


Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.


Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.


You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.


Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

2006-11-06 11:45:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-06 11:44:30 · 18 answers · asked by deeky_ward 3

A penguin's driving when all of a sudden his car breaks down.
He waddles into a garage and asks the mechanic to look at his car.
The mechanic says, "Leave the car with us and come back in an hour."
The penguin waddles off. On his way he sees an ice-cream van and buys an ice-cream. A messy eater, he gets the ice-cream all over his face and flippers.
On his return to the garage, the penguin says to the mechanic, "What seems to be the problem?"
The mechanic says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin says, "No, it's only ice-cream."

2006-11-06 11:39:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyday at the coffee machine a male employee walks up very close to the same female co-worker, takes a big sniff and tell her how nice her hair smells. After weeks of this she gets fed up and goes to human resources to put in a sexual harrassment complaint against him. Puzzled, the human resource manager asks how is smelling her hair sexual harrassment. She replies.....because he is a midget.

2006-11-06 11:38:58 · 31 answers · asked by CJBig 5

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," " I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

2006-11-06 11:37:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
> No one I know has got it right.
> A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did
> not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she
> believed
> him to be, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for
> his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
>
>
> Question
> What is her motive for killing her sister?
> [Give this some thought before you answer] Think carefully i will give you the answer tomorrow

2006-11-06 11:25:28 · 37 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

how many vampires does it take to change a light bulb???

2006-11-06 11:10:43 · 9 answers · asked by kati d 1

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike’s Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba’s Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda’s Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Sod it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy’s Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

2006-11-06 11:09:32 · 15 answers · asked by Jennifer A 2

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not

going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his

Stetson and sets his jaw and says, ""Doc, what can I do?""

The doctor says, ""I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy

sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts

cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."



The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"



"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ***

is for.""

2006-11-06 11:08:17 · 11 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a pig and a dog. One day, the man decides he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. But when he approaches the sow for his moment of passion, the dog bites the man's backside. This continues for several days, and the man is beginning to get very frustrated.
But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea, he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on to the beach and proceeds to give her the kiss of life. The woman comes to and is very grateful.
"Thank you so much," she says, "I will do anything for you, and I mean absolutely anything."
The man can't believe his luck and quickly replies, "You wouldn't mind taking that bloody dog for a walk, would you?"

2006-11-06 11:06:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steward at Aintree is walking the grand national course & he sees a man sitting on top of Becher's Brook. As he approaches he sees the man's got a fishing rod......'Hoi you'! he shouts.....'Whaddya think your doing?'.......'Fishing!' came the reply. The steward says........'There's no bloody fish in there, that's Becher's Brook'.......'We're running the Grand National tomorrow!'...But the man insists that he'll catch a fish....'Tell you what mate'....'If you catch a fish in there i'll give you £100, if not you give me £100'....The man tells the steward its a bet.....After 10 minutes the man catches a flatfish.....The steward says...'I can't believe this!!' ...So the man asks the steward to pay up.....'Ok!' he says...I'm a man of my word, here's your £25'.....'Hold on!' says the man........'You bet me £100 didn't you?'..........'Yes!' says the steward........'But you only get 1/4 the odds for a plaice!!'

2006-11-06 11:06:40 · 6 answers · asked by kev3753 1

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

2006-11-06 11:01:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous