Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Two identical twins called Joe & John.
One day John’s wife died same day as Joe’s boat sank.
Walking down the street an elderly lady said to Joe (Thinking it was John) that she was sorry about his loss. Joe (The one with the sunken boat) said it’s ok, she was a rotten thing with a huge bottom any how. She was losing water, had a massive crack in the back and a big hole in the front which was getting bigger and bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to four guys. The fools, they tried to enter her at thte same time and split her right down the middle.
The old lady fainted!!!

2006-11-07 07:02:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a big glaring methodological problem with our profiling, in fact, it
undermines everything we think we know about offenders- what is it?

2006-11-07 06:58:08 · 3 answers · asked by Tony O 1

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next."

2006-11-07 06:57:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

picture the scene bert and george in the trench during the second world war surrounded by germans and they were the only 2 left in their platoon and they had not eaten for 5days.bert looks over the trench and says ''george look at that tree over there it has got rashers of bacon hanging from it''george says ''sit down bert you are getting delirious there is no such thing as a bacon tree''but bert was adamant and said''keep me covered i will get some bacon and we will have a good fry up for breakfast''with that he disappears over the top of the trench.Within a couple of minutes george hears machine guns grenades mortar shells gas bombs etc.after a couple of minutes bert falls back into the trench leg missing arm off big hole in his gut.george says''well dummy did you get the bacon''and bert says ''no it wasnt a bacon tree'' george says ''well what was it and bert says....wait for it ....wait....'it was a BLOODY 'AMBUSH''....(HAMbush )another play on words for those who dont get it.....

2006-11-07 06:56:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok this is not just a riddle but also a test

A girl is at the funeral of her parents, as she is mourning she see a very attractive man.
So much so that she falls in love with him.

The next day she kills her sister why?

2006-11-07 06:56:07 · 7 answers · asked by v32817 1

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

2006-11-07 06:55:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
”Certainly, Sir, that’ll be 1p.”
”1p?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
”10p” the barman replied.
”10p?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, ”The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

2006-11-07 06:54:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What piece of music is being played?........

2006-11-07 06:51:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if
she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly
sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The
note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7
inches in your pants.

The man after reading this note, sends one
of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know- I happen
to have a Rolls, BMW and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million
dollars in the bank: But not even for a woman as beautiful as you
would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back.

2006-11-07 06:46:05 · 18 answers · asked by chris b 4

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water the bartender looks at him and pulls out a gun the man says thank you and walk a way happy.

Why?

2006-11-07 06:42:48 · 17 answers · asked by v32817 1

Who the f,,ck, steals a pack of lions.?

2006-11-07 06:40:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The riddle is:

"Think of words ending in '-gry.' 'Angry' and 'hungry' are two of them. There are only three words in 'the English language.' What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."


I've been thinking for so long about it and I can't figure out what it is.

2006-11-07 06:35:14 · 22 answers · asked by bakermom26 1

i went to a pub the other night and i took my cap off and put it on the chair next to me.with that this dog came over grabbed my cap and ripped it to pieces i was shocked and went over to the owner and said''EXCUSE ME MATE BUT YOUR DOG HAS JUST RIPPED MY CAP TO SHREDS''he said''PI@S OFF YOU OLD GIT''so i said''WELL IF THATS YOURE ATTITUDE''and he said ''NO ITS YOURE 'AT E CHEWED '' GOOD UN EH!!!!

2006-11-07 06:30:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

which is the thing that belongs to you but people use it most?

2006-11-07 06:24:06 · 14 answers · asked by Vampire 2

ok i really really want a really good funny jokes it doesnt matter naghty clean anything that makes me laugh

2006-11-07 06:23:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 06:21:27 · 13 answers · asked by carla_mendoza005 2

what is everything to someone and nothing to anyone else.

2006-11-07 06:18:32 · 5 answers · asked by Vampire 2

If you look at the numbers on my face you won't find thirteen anyplace.

2006-11-07 06:17:32 · 14 answers · asked by Vampire 2

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."



"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
it will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

2006-11-07 06:14:22 · 26 answers · asked by chris b 4

hold on I have problems telling it

a boy and his father are standing in doctors office. the nurse and doctor walk in and the doctor tells the nurse I can't work on this kid he's my son.

how is that possible

hope I told it right

2006-11-07 06:07:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

U R the one who is CHARMING


U R the one who is INTELLIGENT


U R the one who is CUTE


And


I am the One who is spreading these RUMOURS


-------------------------------------------------


I saw U on the road that day


U Were Looking so fine


Ur Face So Divine


Ur Walk So Perfect


My Heart Started to Sing a Sweet Song :)



WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????


-------------------------------------------------


A - U r Attractive


B - U r the Best


C - U r Cute


D - U r Dear 2 Me


E - U r Excellent


F - U r Funny


G - U r Good-Looking


H - hehehe


I - I'm


J - JOKING


-------------------------------------------------





Another MOON ? Possible


Another SUN ? Possible


Another SKY ? Possible


Another Frnd Like U ? Impossible


'coz GOD can't make the same MISTAKE twice


--------------------------------------------------





Roses are RED


Violets are BLUE


Monkeys Like U

Should be kept in the ZOO


Dun Worry, u'll find me there TOO


Not in the Cage, but LAUGHING AT U


--------------------------------------------------


U r the ACCENT of my Life, ALTO of my Dreams, IKON of my Eyes, ZEN of my Thoughts, INDICA of my Joy, LANCER of my Heart.


Can anyone clear this TRAFFIC JAM plzz


------------------------------ --------------------


Those Saprkling Eyes


Those Marvelous Lips


A 100 Watt Smile


The Majestic Walk


The Cheerful Talk


Truly Charming Personality


Guess, That's Enough abt ME


--------------------------------------------------


so Sweet is ur SMILE:)


so Sweet is ur STYLE:)


so Sweet is ur VOICE:)


so Sweet are ur EYES:)


see how Sweetly I LIE!!!


--------------------------------------------------


You Look at the Ocean, see GOD's Abundance !


You Look at the Sky, see GOD's Wonder !


You Look at the Moon, see GOD's Glory !


You Look at the Mirror, see GOD's BLUNDER !!

2006-11-07 06:06:49 · 20 answers · asked by tejas_fundo 3

if peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers wheres the peck of pickled peppers that peter piper picked

2006-11-07 06:06:12 · 15 answers · asked by chocchip24 2

my friend came round tonite and was boasting about his new hearing aid he was extremely excited and boasted''it is the best i have ever had i can literally hear a pin drop if a drop of water splashes it sounds like an explosion to me i can hear a leaf fall from a tree '' i said ''alright dont keep going on about its only a blooxy hearing aid .i then said''what kind is it ''and he said''about 10.30.''

2006-11-07 06:01:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Top 20

Things Women Say...
And What They Really Mean.



#1. It's your decision...

Really Means

You better pick what I want if you know what's good for you.





#2. We need to talk...

Really Means

I need to complain.



#3. Sure...Go ahead...

Really Means

Baby, please don't leave me here all alone.


#4. I'm not upset...

Really Means

Of course I'm upset, you moron!



#5. I need wedding shoes...

Really Means

The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.



#6. You're so manly...

Really Means

You need a shave and you sweat a lot.





#7. You're certainly attentive tonight...

Really Means

Is sex all you ever think about?



#8. Be romantic, turn out the lights...

Really Means

I have flabby thighs.



#9. I'll be ready in a minute...

Really Means

Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.





#10. Do you love me?

Really Means

Will you buy me something really expensive?





#11. HOW much do you love me?

Really Means

I did something today you're really not going to like.



#12. I heard a noise...

Really Means

I noticed you were almost asleep.



#13. Am I fat?

Really Means

Tell me I'm beautiful.





#14. You have to learn to communicate...

Really Means

Just agree with me.



#15. I don't want to talk about it...

Really Means

Go away, I'm still building up steam


#16. Are you listening to me!?

Really Means

[Too late, you're dead]





#17. Yes...

Really Means

No...



#18. No...

Really Means

No!



#19. Maybe...

Really Means

No.



#20. All we're going to get is some laundy detergent...

Really Means

It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department and the shoe department. I also need to get this cute skirt I found, and oh my goodness, those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and... Oh by the way, Did you bring your checkbook?

2006-11-07 05:51:28 · 19 answers · asked by chris b 4

Words Women Use


"FINE"

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


"FIVE MINUTES"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.


"NOTHING"

If you ask her what is wrong and she says "Nothing", this means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."




"GO AHEAD"
(with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."


"GO AHEAD"
(normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


"LOUD SIGH"

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement > very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."


"SOFT SIGH"

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.



"THAT'S OKAY"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


"PLEASE DO"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."


"THANKS"

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome."


"THANKS A LOT"

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

2006-11-07 05:40:42 · 20 answers · asked by chris b 4

I Can Only Smell.............

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.

One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!"



The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"

The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.



Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

2006-11-07 05:37:42 · 12 answers · asked by chris b 4

I've always wondered why Yahoo Answers has a joke section. Riddles I can understand but do jokes genreally need an answer?

Am I just a misery?

2006-11-07 05:22:13 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband was watching football one Sunday and his wife asked him to fix the refridgeator the husband says "Why does it look like I have 'Fridgeatar' on my forehead?
Then she asked him to fix the stairs, to which he replied " Why does it look like I have 'This Old House' written on my forehead?"

The husband then got up and left to finish watching the game at the local bar.

Four hours later he came home and noticed that everything had been fixed. The husband then asked his wife how did she do it.
" Well" the wife said" I was outside crying after you left, and this nice guy came up and asked me what was wrong. He then said he would fix everything for me if I was to bake him a cake, or sleep with him as payment."
"So" the husband asked" What kind of cake did you make?"

"Why do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

2006-11-07 05:22:03 · 11 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. That husband died too.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

2006-11-07 05:12:49 · 25 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

please help !

2006-11-07 05:08:40 · 20 answers · asked by Darren M 1