Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

If a barber makes a mistake,
it's a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake,
it is an accident.
If a engineer makes a mistake,
it is a new venture.
If parents makes a mistake,
it is a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake,
it is a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake,
it is a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake,
it is a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
it is a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake,
it is our mistake.
If an employee makes a mistake,
it is a "MISTAKE"!

2006-11-07 11:49:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are Women Smarter?


A Woman and a Man are both
involved in a car accident...

Neither are hurt, but their cars are
smashed up.

After they crawl out of their cars,
The woman says; "So you're a man - That's
intereseting. I'm a woman..."



"...Our cars are completely demolished,
yet neither of us are hurt! This must be a sign
from God!"



The man replied; "Oh yes, I completely agree
with you. This must be some sort of sign!"

The woman continued; "And look, here's another
miracle. My car is completely smashed, yet this
bottle didn't even break! How about a drink to
celebrate our good fortune?"



The man nods and drinks half the bottle,
then passes it back to her.



The woman simply puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

"Aren't you
going to have a drink?" Asked the man.

To which the woman replies;
"No thanks. I think I'll just wait for the
cops to show up!"

2006-11-07 11:47:20 · 34 answers · asked by chris b 4

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary.Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on box bottom): Do not turnupside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.(But wouldn't that save more time?) (And whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operatemachinery.(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction if we just keptthose 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdooruse only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.(Hmm, now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet,eat nuts. (have lobotomy)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does notenable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

2006-11-07 11:44:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

well there was this man he walked into a music store and heard MA-MA-MEEEEEso he left the music store and went to a restaraunt and he heard FORKS AND KNIVES FORKS AND KNIVES he left the restaraunt and went to a eletrician store and heard PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN so he left the eletrician store and went to court and the judge said who killed this man? the man said MA-MAMMMEEEE and the judge said wat did u kill this man with the man said FORKS AND KNIVES,FORKS AND KNIVES. then the judge said we r going to have to put u in the eletric chair then the man said PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN


lmao i thought it was really funny

2006-11-07 11:38:00 · 15 answers · asked by nationwide 2

Ain't She Cute
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)

"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled...

isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

2006-11-07 11:37:33 · 13 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

Donald Rumsfeldt briefed Bush this morning, he told bush that 3 Brazilians were killed in Iraq, to everyones amazement the President collapsed and the blood drained from his face, finally when he had composed himself he asked Rumsfeldt "how many millions are there in a brazilian"

2006-11-07 11:37:12 · 8 answers · asked by glasgow girl 6

Two gangsters look at a woman who walks her dog. One says:" She's a cop"
The other:"She must be the police commissioner. Ha-ha". Why do they laugh?

2006-11-07 11:29:03 · 8 answers · asked by Theta40 7

When a monkey sh!t on his head

2006-11-07 11:19:43 · 21 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A teacher gave her

class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a

> >> >story with a moral at the end of it.

> >> > >

> >> > >The next day the kids came

> >> >back and one by one began to tell their

> >> > >stories.

> >> > >

> >> > >Ashley

> >> >said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying

> >> > >hens.

> >> > >One time we were taking our eggs to market in a

> >> >basket on the front

> >> > >seat

> >> > >of the car when we hit a big bump in the

> >> >road and all the eggs got

> >> > >broken.

> >> > >

> >> > >"What's the morale of

> >> >that story?" asked the teacher.

> >> > >

> >> > >"Don't put all your eggs in one

> >> >basket!"

> >> > >

> >> > >"Very good," said the teacher.

> >> > >

> >> > >Next

> >> >little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers

> >> > >too.

> >> > >But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we

> >> >had a dozen

> >> > >eggs,

> >> > >but when they hatched we only got ten live

> >> >chicks, and the moral to

> >> > >this

> >> > >story is,

> >> > >

> >> > >'Don't

> >> >count your chickens before they're hatched'."

> >> > >

> >> > >"That was a fine

> >> >story Sarah."

> >> > >

> >> > >"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

> >> >

> >> > >

> >> > >"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty

> >> >Sharon

> >> > >was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane

> >> >got

> >> > >hit.

> >> > >She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had

> >> >was a bottle

> >> > >of

> >> > >whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank

> >> >the whiskey on the way

> >> > >down so it wouldn't break and then she landed

> >> >right in the middle of

> >> > >100

> >> > >enemy troops. She killed seventy of

> >> >them with the machine gun until

> >> > >she

> >> > >ran out of bullets. Then she

> >> >killed twenty more with the machete until

> >> > >the blade broke. And then she

> >> >killed the last ten with her bare hands."

> >> > >

> >> > >

> >> > >"Good heavens,"

> >> >said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did

your daddy

tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

2006-11-07 11:17:07 · 30 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

Crazy Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2006-11-07 11:16:23 · 28 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

two snow men standing beside one another and one says to the other can you smell carrots.

why did the monky fall out of the tree
because it was dead

2006-11-07 11:13:40 · 18 answers · asked by brioduinn 3

none they like it dark

2006-11-07 11:10:42 · 10 answers · asked by kati d 1

You know you live in 2006 when...










1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.















2. You havent played solitaire with real cards in years.















3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.















4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.















6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.














7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.















8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.














9. You were too busy to notice number five.














10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.















11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.












12. Repost if you fell for it. You know you did

2006-11-07 11:07:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hypothermia!

2006-11-07 11:06:31 · 15 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-11-07 11:04:40 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 11:01:07 · 21 answers · asked by Cliff E 3

write a joke and if its freiken hilarious ill give you ten points.

2006-11-07 11:01:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put our trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "in my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant! replied, without missing a beat, "well sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen so I out rank you.

Tray-up, b*****."

2006-11-07 11:00:20 · 15 answers · asked by Karen C 2

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good. How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart.”

2006-11-07 10:56:55 · 21 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

How, exactly do you post an Open Question?

2006-11-07 10:55:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond and a brunette were walking down the street when they passed a Florist. The brunette glanced in the window and saw her husband inside. Brunette says "Oh no, I just saw my husband in there buying me flowers again.
Blond says " What's so bad about that?"
Brunette says "It means that for the next few days I'll be lying on my back with my legs in the air."
Blond says "What? You don't have a vase?

2006-11-07 10:48:41 · 18 answers · asked by yolkyolk 5

2006-11-07 10:47:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, so there was this island called "Tridia." The people that lived on the island were called "trids." Every monday, the trids would line up in front of the giant's cave so he could kick the trids. The trids loved to be kicked. So, one monday, all the trids lined up to be kicked when a Rabbi came to the island on the boat. The Rabbi wanted to be kicked, too. So he asked one of the trids if he could be kicked, and the trid answered, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for trids!"

LMFAO!!!, that makes me laugh so hard! XD

2006-11-07 10:42:57 · 18 answers · asked by Crystal ♥'s Raymond 3

yo momma so poor she gotta do the dutty wine to mop the floors.

(the dutty wine is a dance)

2006-11-07 10:36:09 · 37 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-11-07 10:28:17 · 34 answers · asked by Ginger 2

I know it's sad but it' funny and remember it's a skit. so use your imagination.

a kid is jumping up nd down on the street and yelling 21. and Finlay it bugs a guy trying to read. and they argue or a little bit till the man that was reading ask why the kid was doing it. he kid answers because it's fun. the kid says why don't you try it and if you don't think it's fun then I'll stop. so the the agrees. he starts jumping and yelling 21 over and over. when he gets to the third one the kid pulls the man hole out from under him and the man falls in. quickly the kid replaces the man hole. he listens for minute. and then starts jumping and yelling 22.

I told you it's sad but it works better as a skit.
what do you think of it.

2006-11-07 10:22:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in prison for 15 years. He dug a tunnel to escape. When he came out of the tunnel he was in a playground. He yelled, "I'm free, I'm free! A little girl looked at him and said, "Big deal, I'm four.

2006-11-07 10:18:48 · 21 answers · asked by Fish <>< 7

2006-11-07 10:18:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A) 598
B) 2, but only with a little help from Robert.
C) Chicken
D) John has no mouth.
E) other....

2006-11-07 10:16:25 · 12 answers · asked by andre benoit 2

A very nice guy takes this girl out one night on a date and he's not one to kiss and tell. So the next day his friends call him up wanting the details to see if they ended up having sex. He was very truthful and told his friends "no we didn't, we were very affectionate, we did everything but sex." His friends had seemed dissapointed at the time and about an hour later the girl came over to his house and yelled at him saying "You told everyone we had BUTT SEX!!!???

2006-11-07 10:12:04 · 22 answers · asked by Jeremy 4