Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

2006-11-07 14:17:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK."

2006-11-07 14:16:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think of a number between 1 & 10.
Multiply your number by 9.
Add the digits of your answer. (if it was 23 then 2+3=5)
When done correctly you should be left with a single number. Now minus five.
If your number is 1 your the letter A. If it's 2 your the letter B. 3 your C. 4 your D 5 your E etc etc.
Go to the next letter in the alphabet after yours.
Choose an animal beginning with that letter no birds or insects though!!!
Have you thought of one? I'm gonna try and guess it.... ***PHANELET***
If you can rearrange these letters to get your animal I got it right ;-)

2006-11-07 14:16:24 · 18 answers · asked by born2survive 2

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was," Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8.Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

2006-11-07 14:13:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a beer. he drinks it.Then asks bartender for restroom. he uses it and leaves. 2nd little pig goes in orders a 6 pack. Drinks it asks for the restroom. He used it and left. 3rd pig goes into bar orders whole case of beer. He drinks it and starts to leave..when the bartender says hey Aren't u gonna ask for the restroom??The pig says Don't you know me??I'm the pig that goes weewee all the way home!!

2006-11-07 14:02:24 · 13 answers · asked by Dotr 5

A dog limps into a old west saloon, sits down at the bar, the bar tender asks the dog,"Can I help you?" Dog replies, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

2006-11-07 13:20:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family of four is hanging out in their house because its soaking wet outside,but 3 hours later when they went outside it was sunny and it never rained.How can this be?

My friend gave me this riddle.

2006-11-07 13:18:51 · 21 answers · asked by SportsErika13 1

OK...
A man is trapped in a room with no windows and a locked door. The only things in there are a calendar, a piano, and a matteress. Somehow, he ate, got water and unlocked the door, but how?????

brunette cheer

2006-11-07 12:59:51 · 10 answers · asked by Cheltzey-ASLterp 1

okay i am making a letter that is going to look old what is a good riddle i can put in it? it has to be something that a fifth grader can't figure out any ideas? i am making a letter that is going to look very old and made in 1996 any suggestions? thanks!

2006-11-07 12:57:31 · 6 answers · asked by dogloverfav 2

Can you unscramble these celebrities?

grovoanilae

dmnhoysarreu

2006-11-07 12:53:41 · 9 answers · asked by Blah B 1

Frog and bear in the woods come across magic lamp both rub it and genie appears to grant them 3 wishes each

Bear says " i wish every bear in the wood was female"
Frog says" i wish i had a motorcycle helmet"

Bears second wish says " I wish every bear in the neighbouring woods was female"
Frog says "wish i had a motorbike"

Bears third and final wish says" i wish every bear in the world was female"
The frog puts on his helmut, starts his motorbike and shouts"i wish the bear was gay"

2006-11-07 12:51:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 12:35:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This dude, we'll call him Mr. Smith, has cancer. He prays and asks God to let him take some gold to heaven. When he finally dies and goes to heaven, Peter stops him. He says:
"Yes, you're in the Lamb's Book of Life! Come in. Wait a minute! U CAN'T TAKE IT WITH U WHEN U GO!"
"But God told me I could!"
Peter goes to consult God. He comes back and says:
"Oh yes, God explained it all to me. But, uh, what's in that suitcase anyway"
He revealed the gold blocks.
"U brought pavement?"
This joke makes me DIE laughing!
#1denverfan
Proud Christian, Introvert, and almost computer genius!

2006-11-07 12:34:21 · 14 answers · asked by #1denverfan 3

ok there are 4 novels on a shelf. each cover is 1/6 of an inch,and all the pages in one book is 2 inches thick. if a bookworm eats from page 1 of the first book to the last page of the fourth book.
first right will be best answer!

2006-11-07 12:34:05 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your
doctor's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of
whatever you have; therefore, you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed is certainly
less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for
funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off
half an hour early, provided all of your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at
least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your
job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, those surnames beginning with "A" will be
allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, "B" from 9:05-9:10, and so on. If you are
unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

2006-11-07 12:33:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're a lovely bunch, a veritable Alogfred distinginging. But (and it's a big but) you seem unable to grasp the ...shall we say......finer points of, what's really a very simple query. I'm trying here...I'M TRYING HERE to post an Open Question. As a newcomer I thought I'd ask for some assistance, but what do I get......stymied and stumped (sounds like a firm of solicitors-"Hello Stymied and Stumped here, how may I help? No,I'm afraid Mr Stymied is on lunch at the moment, could I put you through to Mr Stumped, I think you'll find he's familiar with your case). Please assist or I'll transpose all the vowels in my next sentence. Theer, nwo ese whta yeouv deno?

2006-11-07 12:25:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
&n
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

2006-11-07 12:25:08 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

2006-11-07 12:24:55 · 12 answers · asked by nationwide 2

What Job Applicants Really Mean
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.


I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.
I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!
I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career

2006-11-07 12:19:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was one little boy named PEPITO
One day the teacher told pepito "peito im gonna need u to do a homework assignment about your family. You are to aske each family member one question and then right their responses down, and then tomorrow i will ask for it."

So Pepito goes home and aks his mother :Mommy what are we having for supper?" and his mom says "Mind Your F~cking business." So he writes it down.

Then he goes and asks his older brother "Can You take me to the arcade?" His brother says "sure why not?"

Then he asks his little brother who was watching the T.V.
"What are you watching?" and his little brother says "SUPERMAN"

The next day the teacher asks him "Where is your homework?" Pepito says "Mind your f~cking business"

Teacher says "Pepito do you want me to send you to the principals office?"

Pepito says "Sure why not?"

Teacher very offended asks "Who do you think you are?"

Pepito response "SUPERMAN"


I hope y'all liked it..........

2006-11-07 12:17:01 · 14 answers · asked by bReN bReN 2

I have "figured it" as you say "out". My gran...Mrs Smith (I was once asked if she was a myth...no, I quickly responded.. "She's a mythes...Mrs Myth") Anyway (I said Gran,put that down NOW) Too late, she's collapsed again. Oh dear, she's wet herself. Anyway,nearly there,nearly (how you say?) there. Will you just listen to me. How do you post an Open Question?

2006-11-07 12:09:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_feb2001/Republican_Democrat.htm

2006-11-07 12:06:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

2006-11-07 12:05:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple go on a romantic holiday on the rockies, on arrival the man decides he will go out and cut some wood. When he comes back he says to his good lady "my hands are freezing", she replies "put them in between my legs, and warm them up". Lunch time he goes out to cut some more wood, comes back and says " babe, my hands are freezing", so she replies "put them in between my legs - it worked last time". Just before their romantic meal in the evening, he cuts more wood - he comes back in and says "my hands are so cold their blue". And she replies "FOR GODS SAKE !!, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD".

2006-11-07 12:03:03 · 31 answers · asked by dan T 3

ok. every question think or the answer and then scoll down Ready...?























3+3
































































9-3

























































5+1














































8-2
































































30/5

















































QUICK THINK OF A VEGETABLE!!!


















































































































is it a carrot??

2006-11-07 12:02:52 · 16 answers · asked by Choir~Geek 4

1)We want to cook some vegetables for a period of 9 minutes, with no breaks. However, the only timepieces available are a 4 minute egg timer and a 7 minute egg timer. Neither timer has any markings on it, so they can only be used for starting and stopping. How is it possible to measure a continuous 9 minute period by combing these two timers?

2)You have 10 bags of gold coins. The bag are numbered from 1 to 10. Each bag contains 10 coins, and each coin is supposed to with 1 ounce. However, you suspect that one of the bags is light. You have accurate wieghing scale available, but you will only be allowed to make one weighing with it. How can you figure out which bag has the light coins by making only one weighing with the scale?

I have heard of the last one but I can't remeber the answer. Can someone help.

2006-11-07 12:02:37 · 7 answers · asked by TJ 1

Look at her in the adverts, that cloak she wears is the key I think... and in some internet web shots she has no hair, check it out... I sense the dark side at work....

2006-11-07 11:58:24 · 8 answers · asked by Buzzard 7

Can anyone give me a riddle that rhyems, and please give me the answer =D Thank You

2006-11-07 11:56:57 · 3 answers · asked by Carolina P 1

Ordained.......... Twelve priests were about to be ordained.The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with noreaction She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up......Then all the other bells started to ring....

2006-11-07 11:56:29 · 26 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

all right how this one...

"Ok class to day we shall work on Most definitely questions. For example, My eyes are most definitely blue." siad the teacher.

Sue's had shot up...
"The sky is most definitely blue" she said

"No Sue.... Some time the sky is green, pink gray or black. the sky is most definitely not blue" Replied the Teacher.

Jimmy rased his hand and siad, "Grass is most definitely green."

"No Jimmy,some times its brown or yellow. So grass is most definitely not green."

Tom siad "Fire is most definitely warm"

"No, not if it's blazing, or ihas just started." said the teacher getting a little anoyed.


Bobby slowly raised his hand.
"Mrs Kay? Do farts have lumps??"

"Uhhh... no I don't think so...Bobby" Se anwersd puzzled.

"Oh, Ok then... Then i MOST DEFINITLY pooped my pants!!!"


How many stars do ya think??

2006-11-07 11:49:22 · 15 answers · asked by Choir~Geek 4