Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas....

Cancer

2006-11-07 10:04:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sergi and Sally where sitting in their family room one night. While Sergi was watching T.V his wife Sally was reading. All of a sudden the power went out and Sergi decided to go to bed, but Sally kept on reading. With no use of artificial light, Sally kept on reading. How?

2006-11-07 10:03:53 · 16 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

not saying blondes are dumb ok here one two blondes walk into a building you would think one of them would of seen it lol

2006-11-07 10:03:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

question is,how funny is that??

2006-11-07 10:03:22 · 12 answers · asked by ady 4

What comes next in this series? And yes, there is a real answer...

M A M J J A S ___

2006-11-07 10:01:31 · 15 answers · asked by sweetsum691 5

how to write?

2006-11-07 09:57:51 · 8 answers · asked by Gail D 1

I am the center of gravity, hold a capital situation in Vienna, and as I am foremost in every victory, am allowed by all to be invaluable. Though I am invisible, I am clearly seen in the midst of a river. I could name three who are in love with me and have three associates in vice. It is vain that you seek me for I have long been in heaven yet even now lie embalmed in the grave. What am I?

2006-11-07 09:48:04 · 11 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

we're 5 little items of an everyday sort,
you'll find us all in a tennis court.
what are we?

2006-11-07 09:45:19 · 12 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2006-11-07 09:38:44 · 19 answers · asked by Ravenra 3

i get IT out my hand goes back and forth on IT i do this for a while then when im done i blow IT and stuff comes out of IT


you sick minded ppl have a nasty answer but really IT is a ______

2006-11-07 09:37:11 · 10 answers · asked by im lost come and find me 4

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

2006-11-07 09:35:02 · 16 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

something ive never heard before

2006-11-07 09:32:59 · 9 answers · asked by jesse 2

Eye yam sofa king we Todd did.

2006-11-07 09:31:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

My vibro, which brings me heaven. Rabbit be thy name. Till Kingdom come, thy makest me kum, on earth with eyes on heaven. Give me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as I forgive flat batteries. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration. For thine is the rotation,the power and the buzzing, for ever and ever, no men!

2006-11-07 09:29:39 · 20 answers · asked by chutney 4

Ex President Bill Clinton and President George W. Bush are riding on a train with a spectacular blond woman and a fat old one. The train goes through a tunnel turning the car dark, and there is a loud audible slap. When the train emerges, there is a red handprint across Clinton's cheek. Each person had their own thought of the incident:

The Sexy Blond: That dirty old Clinton! He must have wanted to touch me, but instead he felt the fat woman up and she smacked him.

The Fat Woman: That scoundrel Clinton! He must have tried kissing the blond girl, and she smacked him.

Clinton: Bush must have touched the blond, and she smacked me by mistake.

Bush: I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can smack Clinton again!

2006-11-07 09:26:38 · 13 answers · asked by writinggirl01 3

2006-11-07 09:24:04 · 13 answers · asked by Smo 4

and raped in a lane. First nun says "god forgive them for they know not what they do" the second nun says "Oh god, this F**ker does".

2006-11-07 09:23:21 · 14 answers · asked by chutney 4

it's three green frogs on the left, three brown frogs on the right. All sitting on a stone. There's an empty stone in the middle. Now, how to make them jump (skipping only one stone at the time), to change the positions of the frogs on right and left.

Help me?
My friend has send me this and I cannot solve it!!!

2006-11-07 09:12:15 · 13 answers · asked by Endie vB 5

A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw
>a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
>Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood.
>
>He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone
>was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ
>and flirting with the women.
>
>
>At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator
>in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
>who has the balls to jump in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
>everyone turned around an d saw Leroy in the pool!
>
>Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the
>gator in the eyes with his thumbs,
>throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts and chokeholds,
>biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like
>some kind of Judo
>Instructor.
>
>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
>were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
>it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
>
>Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
>him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a
>million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
>
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
>
>How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
>answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.
>That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?
>" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then
>what do you want?"
>
> > Leroy said,
> > "I want
>the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool

2006-11-07 09:00:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

goes into her local sex shop. She tells the shop keeper that she is looking for a dildo but doesn't really know what type sha wants. He shows her a few but none of them seem to be what she has in mind. Well he says " I think you have seen all the most popular ones, even some of the very biggest". Just as he thinks she has given it all up as a bad idea she says " what about that nice one up there on the top shelf, the nice one with the checker pattern on it. You can't have that luv he says that's my bloody flask!!!!!!

2006-11-07 09:00:10 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

came home to find him shaging a blonde polish girl, thats it i want a devorce she shouted, please dear let me explain, on the way home i saw this girl collasped in the road, i brought her home and ran a bath for her, while she was in it i was going to wash her clothes but the smelt awful, i gave that saucy underwear set you said u wud never wear, then i gave her that red dress you said you hated as it made you look fat, and then those boots my mum gave you last christmas you dont wear out of spite, and i was just seeing her to door when she asked if there was anything else that my wife doesnt use anymore!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-07 08:51:40 · 26 answers · asked by polly a 2

http://img479.imageshack.us/img479/2339/brq3rj6.png

2006-11-07 08:43:22 · 2 answers · asked by llppoo333 1

had 3 sows, nad after 6 months still no litter so he called the vet who told him he'd have to artificail inseminate, but how will i know there pregnant, the vet they roll in the mud, so that nite he oaded them into the pick up ,went to a beauty spot and gave each one a good seeing to, next morning he looked out the window and they were all stood up, so that nite they went off again and he gave them two portions each, the next morning the looked out the window and they were still stood up, so that nite off they went, not returning till 4am, the farmer woke up exhausted and told his wife to check on the pigs, she said there in the pickup and one of them is sounding the horn dear.

2006-11-07 08:40:26 · 13 answers · asked by polly a 2

2006-11-07 08:32:18 · 8 answers · asked by TAns 2

Two guys are walking down the street, and one of the guys pulls out a huge lighter & lights a cigarette. The other guy says "Man, that is the biggest lighter I have ever seen in my life! Where did you get it"

"Well" says the other guy; "You are my best friend, so I will tell you."

The guy draws deeply on his cigarette, puts away his lighter and says, "Ive got a magic genie."

"A magic genie?" says the friend, "Do you think I could have just one quick wish?"

The guy says very hesitantly, "Well, I guess you are my best friend," and with that, proceeds to pull out a miniature bottle from his coat pocket.

The friend immediately starts his wish "I wish I had one-million bucks right now," and poof! The sky grows instantly dark with the shadow of one-million ducks flying in the sky.

"What the hell happened?" says the friend, "I asked for one million bucks, not ducks!"

"Oh i forgot to tell you, my genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?"

2006-11-07 08:30:13 · 36 answers · asked by ♣fo' by fo'♠ 3

Dick works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling,
playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinking he is pushing himself too
hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dick, how ya doing?"
Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dick. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dick if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dick. "Hi Dicky," she says,
"Want your usual table dance?"
Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dick follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Dick
jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ****** tonight, Dick!"

2006-11-07 08:30:02 · 17 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

Confused.....?

2006-11-07 08:27:35 · 14 answers · asked by iklfarieyaz 1

that its never the first piece of a jigsaw puzzle thats missing, its always the last one, but im getting better, did one in two months, and it said 7 to 8 years on the box

2006-11-07 08:25:46 · 23 answers · asked by polly a 2

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

2006-11-07 08:17:58 · 25 answers · asked by bubble 1

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and
Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for
old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of
the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay
in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like
to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast
is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so
bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit
juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get
fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.


The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.


I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like
the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat
training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have
to be real careful though, they break real easy. It
ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that
Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him
once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near
300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join
before other fellers get onto this setup and come
stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail.

2006-11-07 08:17:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous