Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Think Swinming

2006-11-07 17:57:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anthony E 1

5) Wasn't that guy arreseted for having sex with a farm animal?

4) I know they are lying..their lips are moving,.

3) I would not buy a used car from that guy!!!

2)Who are these people

And the number one Reason Not To Vote:

If we really could make a difference it would have be outlawed years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-07 17:54:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 17:46:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anthony E 1

Two ol boys having a chat , one says , i'v got to give up golf Jack coz i cant see where the ball goes , Jack says thats no problem Bill i'l stand behind you an watch it for you , so of they go , whack ! Bill hits the ball , did you see that Jack , yeah i saw it Bill , where is it then , fcuk knows ! i'v forgotten !!

2006-11-07 17:45:44 · 8 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2006-11-07 17:41:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."

"Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished, we will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.

"Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up"

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy, that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me, it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me"

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Hello, Pete, it's Peggy, it's gonna be a while!"

2006-11-07 17:39:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's

and nobody offered me a damned thing."

2006-11-07 17:38:32 · 12 answers · asked by stone 4

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and

replied, "! Not this time!"

2006-11-07 17:36:49 · 13 answers · asked by stone 4

A Man has been sick for sometime and finally goes to doctor.

Doctor examines him, does a bunch of tests, and tells him, "You've got Herpes, full-blown AIDS, the Bubonic Plague, and you're coming down with the Eboli virus."

The guy asks, "What can you do for me?"

The doctor tells him, "We'll put you in the hospital and feed you lots of pizza and pancakes."

The guy asks, "Will that cure me?".

The doctor says, "No, that's the only things we can slide under the door.

2006-11-07 17:23:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Next time you think you're hungry, have a glass of water and see what happens.

WATER

#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.)

#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.

#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.

#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.

#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%. , and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?

COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

#8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a Hazardous Material placards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water? or Coke?

2006-11-07 15:58:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about Sike the Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business...
However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

The parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

2006-11-07 15:55:07 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

funny

2006-11-07 15:48:19 · 8 answers · asked by marcguks 1

some of my favorite children's jokes are
1. What do you call a snake with grandchildren?
Nanaconda.
2. How do skunks go to school?
Alphabetical odor.
3. What animal works in the hospital?
The ether bunny.

2006-11-07 15:48:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If i was a smurf i would be______ and i would eat all of the_______. Then i would go ________ and ________

make a funny :)

2006-11-07 15:30:47 · 9 answers · asked by !kyradarkmoon! 3

A very poor man found a dusty lamp and while cleaning it
out came a Genie. The Genie offered the man three wishes. The man's first wish was for a nice home, *POOF*
he got his wish. The next wish was for a nice car *POOF* he got this wish too. Well, with a nice house he found a good job, a nice girlfriend whom he later married and became very happy with his life, he could not think of anything else to wish for.
One day on his way home from work the man was listening to his radio when an old commercial came on and he started to sing along, "OH, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner" *POOF"

2006-11-07 15:30:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 15:23:36 · 12 answers · asked by rbh62551 2

Four insurance companies were in competition One came up with the slogan

"Coverage from the cradle to the grave"

The Second one tried to improve on that with

"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one came up with

"From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with

"From the erection to the resurrection"

2006-11-07 15:19:18 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

B L B L E U E L

2006-11-07 15:17:50 · 16 answers · asked by gabby 1

In this statement she explains her outburst at the CMA awards...

"THE IDEA THAT I WOULD ACT DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS A FELLOW MUSICIAN IS UNIMAGINABLE TO ME. FOR THIS TO BECOME A FOCUS OF ATTENTION GIVEN THE TALENT GATHERED IS UTTERLY RIDICULOUS. CARRIE IS A TALENTED AND DESERVING FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR."

It got attention because what she did was ridiculous. Is it me or is this the season for misread jokes? I know and expect that when you are in the public eye you will make a bad joke or say something the wrong way or even let an emotion slip when you don't mean to.

It still doesn't make it right given it was taken the wrong way. Joke, mistake, or stupidity, Faith should apologize for what she did and not act so suprised when people take her reaction at face value. How can it be taken as a joke when she really hasn't shown herself as that kind of person on television before?

Not that any of this matters but why is it so hard for a person to just admit they screwed up?

2006-11-07 15:11:20 · 6 answers · asked by j615 4

iuoetnsq



no cheating. hurry and guess!!!

2006-11-07 15:09:56 · 20 answers · asked by gabby 1

A

married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

2006-11-07 15:08:52 · 21 answers · asked by stone 4

2006-11-07 15:05:29 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the maths teacer got a chance to take the games period how she will teach the students. please answer humourously

2006-11-07 14:59:31 · 2 answers · asked by senthil k 1

ooo! lets see if u get my answer

2006-11-07 14:51:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 14:51:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a american a mexican and a african american.One day they found a magid lamp.they rubbed it and a genie came out(i know,no duh!)He said there could each have 1 wish.The mexican asked"Let my people go back 2 where we came from and b happy"The african american asked the same about his people to the geine.The the american looked around then said"eh,gimmie a coke"Dont under stand email me at super_cool_ye@yahoo.com

2006-11-07 14:31:59 · 14 answers · asked by Clarissa H 1

a guy walk into a wh0re house, he hands the owner a thousand dollors and says "I want the dirtiest, ugliest, nastiest, smelliest wh0re that you have and a bologna sandwhich." the owner says "but sir for a thousand dollors you could have the cleaniest, prettiest, sweet smelling, sexiest wh0re that we have and a steak dinner." the guys says "but you don't understand, I am not horny or hungry, I am homesick."

2006-11-07 14:21:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said,
"I am sorry,but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
I would say:
"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."


The teacher fainted.

2006-11-07 14:21:46 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

...How many of you went and tried it and and what did you do with the slice when u were finished?

2006-11-07 14:20:20 · 3 answers · asked by kiti4u 4

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

2006-11-07 14:19:35 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6