Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Lets make like an Actor a do depart

Add your own or others you've heard. Compile as many as we can.

2006-11-08 05:15:05 · 14 answers · asked by elliott 4

11/7/2006: Newport Music Hall, Columbus Ohio

Tragedy struck the music world this evening when two members of the legendary rock music group, The Rolling Stones, were killed in an incident at the Newport Music Hall. The group, in town on another venue, announced an impromptu concert to be held at the music hall. During the event, a deranged assailant in the upper balcony of the theater lofted an object, later found to be a frozen turkey, onto the stage, striking both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. Both performers were rushed to a local area hospital, but later died of injuries from the assault. The assailant was apprehended and is currently being held with out bond by the Columbus police department; no information has been released by the department on the ID of the attacker or his motive.

This is the first ever reported case of killing two Stones with one bird.

2006-11-08 05:03:40 · 9 answers · asked by Siouxxi M 5

Here's a little test for you. I will post the answers very soon. Once it's done, I will show you the scoring chart so you can see just how bright/dull you are. :o)


1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widows sister?
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What's the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you 3 pills, telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?

I missed two.

2006-11-08 04:57:08 · 20 answers · asked by Barbi 4

Since the symbol of the Democratic party is a Donkey.......does that mean that the country is now run by a bunch of Jackasses....or Jennyasses?

Sorry you Dems/Libs have no sense of humor. You all are the one's that choose your symbol not me!! If it looks like a Jackass, Acts like a Jacass, and Brays like a Jackass then it is probably a Jackass.

2006-11-08 04:42:02 · 7 answers · asked by Ted 2

2006-11-08 04:25:03 · 18 answers · asked by Dont call me retarded 1

There was an 80 year old virgin who thought that she had crabs
So she went and told her doctor
The doctor performed some tests and came back out
He told her that he had good news
And he had bad news
The good news was that she didn't have crabs
The bad news...............
Her cherry was over-ripe and she had fruit flies!!!


Hahahahahahaha!

2006-11-08 04:16:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-08 04:14:58 · 6 answers · asked by Fox 2

I am planning to compile riddles but the answers should be modern objects. Do you have ideas?

2006-11-08 04:13:10 · 1 answers · asked by michelle 3

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visited the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "Whats the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out,

and we still cant get the lid off the bloody bottle."

2006-11-08 04:12:56 · 37 answers · asked by Janey 3

Who was or is the greatest magician in the world? Best answer to the the first person with the correct answer.

2006-11-08 04:10:54 · 11 answers · asked by Osunwole Adeoyin 5

2 cookies cross the road when one gets run over. What did the other one say?
Crumbs! HAHA lol

2006-11-08 04:05:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

guy goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his pants,
the doctor say`s thats got to hurt!
guy replies yes it`s driving me nuts.

2006-11-08 04:00:06 · 31 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

I am so agile, that not only on occassions have I stuck my foot in my mouth, but stuck it all the way up to my hip.

2006-11-08 03:56:23 · 5 answers · asked by sweetsmile 2

BODY MEETING:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood,
"because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days...
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The *** hole is usually in charge !!

2006-11-08 03:54:25 · 16 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed
a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people
chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted
a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting,
before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye.

As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen,
fourteen, fourteen ..."

2006-11-08 03:39:31 · 24 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

why are there so many old jokes posed in this category???

is there by chance anyone with new ones out there?

please let me know.

for those who asked the other day - yes this is an adequate question to be placed in this 'room'.

2006-11-08 03:33:09 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

i met a man on a bridge he tipped his hat and drew his cane in this riddle i said his name

2006-11-08 03:28:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family are in a hospital after a family member is in a terrible car accident. After a while the doctor comes out and says to the family

"Look, he has no chance in his current state. but we have an experimental procedure in which we transplant a brain into his body. The results are promising."

The family then says "yes. let's do that"

The doctor says "O.K. It is $5900 for a man's brain, and $1,000,000 for a woman's brain"

At this, aware of the situation started grinning, and there was an awkard silence. Finally the mother asked "look, we all want to know, why is the woman's brain soooo much more expensive?"

The doctor then grinned and said "Well, naturally we have to mark down the man's brain because it HAS been used"

2006-11-08 03:23:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 pts will go to the one who makes me laugh the most. it can be dirty, clean, racial, or just plain stupid

2006-11-08 03:22:46 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man decided to walk in a large square. It took him 90mins to walk one side, 90mins to walk the second, 90 to walk the third, but an hour and a half to walk the last side. Why?

He does not get tiered, and the ground is level.

2006-11-08 03:18:46 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wut is it??

2006-11-08 03:08:01 · 11 answers · asked by Bologna 2

2006-11-08 03:06:38 · 12 answers · asked by Bologna 2

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

2006-11-08 03:04:43 · 13 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

2006-11-08 03:03:10 · 9 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

2006-11-08 03:01:23 · 11 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

would be able to make up a punchline if I just wrote a random question right off the top of my head?

Why don't vicars eat cake?


or

Why was the blonde girl mesmorized?

2006-11-08 03:00:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

2006-11-08 02:59:37 · 13 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

2006-11-08 02:58:36 · 7 answers · asked by chanda 3

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

2006-11-08 02:55:16 · 12 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

2006-11-08 02:48:03 · 10 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2