Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

a blonde woman had been stood up on a date. so she got absolutely smashed out of her box on vodka before getting in her car and driving home, as she swerved across both sides of theroad a policeman saw her and gave chase, she finally pulled over and expalined what had happened to her, the policeman was not very sympathetic and began to read her rights, i am arresting you on the suspicion of drink driving, anything you say will taken down and used against you" , when she interupted him and said "panties and dildo"

2006-11-08 08:17:58 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

2006-11-08 08:10:19 · 20 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

Three men approach you and stand in a straight line. They are each holding a suitcase, two are empty, one contains a lot of money! Your job is to pick the man who is carrying the suitcase with the money. You have been told beforehand that two of these men always tell lies, and one always tells the truth. You ask each man where the money is, and there response is the following:

Man 1: I do not have the money
Man 2: I do not have the money
Man 3: The second man has the money

Who has the money, and you must explain your answer!

2006-11-08 08:08:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

why is it that so many people come on here and think that this is x factor and do rather stupid impressions of simon and co?
isnt it just annoying how many people think they are clever because they pick upon a spelling mistake
and how many times do you see the same person slate every single joke posted? and when you check their questions they dont tell any jokes.
why do a lot of people on here bother?

just remember we the people the joke tellers are telling jokes
we are not racist, we are not super intelligent beings that can spell every word in the english dictionary, we are just trying to tell jokes to entertain the good people that actually want to laugh
and even if you have already heard a joke 100 times it can be funny
personally i just want to share some happiness so next time you want to slate my spelling or tell me i am a racist tell me i am sick or anything negative remember 1 thing i dont care i will keep telling my silly jokes regardless

2006-11-08 07:59:11 · 39 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a care package.

He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend off .

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

2006-11-08 07:57:29 · 22 answers · asked by ♣fo' by fo'♠ 3

My 9 year old has had a nasty cold and has been home from school all week. Does anyone have any kid appropriate jokes for her?
Thanks.

2006-11-08 07:51:43 · 8 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

a blonde cop pulls over a blonde and asks for her liscense and registration she finds her registration right away but she cannot find her liscense and shes digging through her purse finally she asks the cop what does it look like? the cop says it's a card with your picture on it the blonde pulls out a little mirror and hands it to the cop the cop says "oh I didn't realize you're a cop, you're free to go." please make yours clean

2006-11-08 07:47:29 · 11 answers · asked by Nick 2

BANANAS the older they get the less firm they are CHOCOLATE sweet and smooth and usualy head for the hips COMMERCIALS cant beleave a word they say. DEPARTMENT STORES clothes allways half off POPCORN can satisfy you but only for a short while

2006-11-08 07:40:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walked into his house and heard his wife calling him, he ran into the living room to see his blonde wife with the most serious look on her face ever, whats wrong he asked, at that point he noticed that the tv was upside down and facing the wall,then she began to explain " i was watching eastenders when my mum phoned me and told me to turn the telly over as there was something funny on the side, but i just dont see it, do you ?"

2006-11-08 07:36:19 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

a man walked into his house and heard his wife calling him, he ran into the living room to see his blonde wife with the most serious look on her face ever, whats wrong he asked, at that point he noticed that the tv was upside down and facing the wall,then she began to explain " i was watching eastenders when my mum phoned me and told me to turn the telly over as there was something funny on the side, but i just dont see do you ?"

2006-11-08 07:34:53 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The gaff prone President is known for his idiotic quotes, lets have your best.

2006-11-08 07:30:31 · 9 answers · asked by jg655 4

he he he :P

2006-11-08 07:28:43 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

My brother does it all the time and it's gross!

2006-11-08 07:21:46 · 33 answers · asked by carla 2

Lava lamps fun to look at but not to bright Parking spaces all the good ones are taken and whats left are all handicapped Are like a laxitive they irritate the crap out of you

2006-11-08 07:12:46 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS....



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from.


So he says, "Do you know me"?


To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery ???"


She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

2006-11-08 07:00:42 · 12 answers · asked by slaphappypimp 3

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again! Ha!

2006-11-08 06:56:17 · 7 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

Below are questions about Australia. They were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the anwers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Yes, it’s only 3000 miles - take lots of water

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is the big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Hervey Bay. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180o. Contact us when you get there and we’ll send the rest of the directions


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is next to Germany...oh forget it, every Tuesday after the Hippo racing. Come Naked

2006-11-08 06:53:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 prostitutes were driving down the road with a sign that said, " 2 Prostitutes for $50.00".
A police man pulled them over and stated that they would have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then a car drove by with a sign that said "JESUS SAVE"
The 2 pros asked the officer why he didnt pull over that car.
The officer stated that the sign pertained to religon, so it was okay to display.
The 2 pros took down the sign and drove off.

The next night the same police officer saw the 2 pros with a new sign and new it was an easy booking. When he caught up with the car he read the new sign that said "2 FALLEN ANGELS LOOKING FOR PETER"

2006-11-08 06:41:04 · 14 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

how many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
none all 200 failed to work out how to open the box

did you hear about the blonde who thought extra terrestrials were itv3 and itv4?

did you hear abouth the blonde who thought the erogenous zone was somewhere between the moon and mars?

did you heat about the blonde tap dancer?
her right foot got burnt

where do you find a blonde with a map and written directions to the pub?
where you left her

did you hear about the blonde who fell off the floor?

2006-11-08 06:38:58 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

This last summer we decided to go the beach for vacation. We ended up at Mustang Island. We rented a sailboat and went sailing. My wife got seasick about the time we got to the lee side of the seawall and to add to my problems, my daughter took one look at my wife and started to turn green. When we finally got offshore things were a bit calmer, and because I was odd man out as to the nausea I had to rig the sails for our sail on the sea.

The above has one or two classics. Can you name them?

2006-11-08 06:27:51 · 7 answers · asked by Terry 7

Because let's face it, have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law!!?

2006-11-08 06:21:40 · 10 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

did you hear about the blonde the blonde who bought a book on self mensa testing, she sat and did the three tests and passed them all with flying colours,so she applied to mensa and they invited her to sit the exams in their headquarters and she came out with an IQ of 212 putting her in the top 1% of brainiest people in the world?
















i didnt think so and nor have i

2006-11-08 06:12:24 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Also on the side of a bottle of salt "Ingredients: Salt"
Do you know any stupid things like that?

2006-11-08 05:58:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.



"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table

and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.



"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

2006-11-08 05:56:57 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steve has just bought a motorbike but everytime it rains the seal leaks and he has to put Vaseline on it to stop it. He carries a jar of Vaseline with him where ever he goes.

That night he is going to his girlfriends house to meet her parents when he gets there his girlfriend is stood outside waiting for him, she tells him not to talk at the dinner table, as the first person to speak has to "do the dishes"!

When he gets inside it's just as she has described it, the pots are piled high to the ceiling and no one is saying a word. He thinks "I'm going to have bit of fun here"!!.... he grabs the mother, clears the dinner table and shags her.....when finished they both sit back down, still no one is saying a word, the girlfriend is furious and Dad is seething. Steve thinks "I'm going to have a bit more fun" he grabs his girlfriend throws her on the dinner table and shags her.....still, no one is saying a word. The mother is a little jealous, his girlfriend is much happier and Dad is livid.

All of a sudden the heavens open and it begins to pour down, Steve jumps up, pulls the Vaseline from his back pocket when Dad stands up and says......."**** that, I'll do the dishes!"

2006-11-08 05:55:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on"
The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?"
The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off".

2006-11-08 05:42:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A king captured three men and told them to go find a fruit and to get ten of them.
The first guy came in with apples, and the king said" If you want to live you have to shove all the fruit up your butt without making any facial expressions or noises." So up goes 1,2 and the first guy made a hurting sound, so the king killed him and he went up to heaven. The second guy came in with berries and the king also told him to shove them up his butt without making any facial expressions or noises. The guy thought that it would be easy since he only had small berries. So up goes 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and the guy busted out laughing. So of course the king had to kill him, and he went up to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven and the first guy says," Why did you laugh, you were so close!". Then the second guy said ," I saw the third guy come in with pineapples!"

2006-11-08 05:35:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I havea co-worker that says he'll never say it and I'm trying to just find a way to get him to say it, even if accidentally. whether in riddle or some other way.

2006-11-08 05:25:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Gates of Heaven



After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

2006-11-08 05:19:29 · 24 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

My boyfriend told me this story...it happened when he was an MP on patrol.

He pulled this guy for drunk driving, he walked up to the car and looked in, and saw the guy had a beer label on his forehead. He asked him how much he had to drink, the guy said "none sir" and pointed to his head and said, "I'm on the patch!" Needless to say he didn't give the guy a ticket because he was laughing too hard! He just made him park his car and walk home. Too Funny!

2006-11-08 05:19:08 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Amanda♥ 4