Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Never lie to Kids

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach.
Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his
private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, "What's under there?"
So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in
hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"
The man answers, "I don't k! now. I was at the beach and I
fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the
beach to find any witnesses. When they get there, they see the little girl the
man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the
man.
She answers, " I didn't do anything to the man, but while he
Was sleeping, I
played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I
broke itsneck,
burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.

2006-11-08 02:44:08 · 22 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

Ew that's not a question, yeah so what

2006-11-08 02:04:28 · 12 answers · asked by Powerpuffgeezer 5

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does b*tch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my tiyties" and the man said "feel my d*ck". Their son walked in and asked "What does tiyties and d*ck mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "****" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "****" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey. Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you b*tches and bastards, put your d*cks and tiyties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh*t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!

2006-11-08 02:01:21 · 14 answers · asked by nuri b 1

2006-11-08 01:37:22 · 25 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

If you had a donkey and i had a rooster and your donkey ate the legs off my rooster, what would you have?



two feet of my co*k in your as@

2006-11-08 01:32:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Visiting a psychiatric ward, a man asks a nurse how it's decided whether to admit a person.

"Well" she says " we fill a bath, then offer a spoon and a bucket to the person and ask him to empty it."

"I get it" the visitor says, "a normal person would use the bucket because it's biggest."

"No," the nurse says. "a normal person would pull the plug. I'll go and prepare a room for you."

2006-11-08 01:12:26 · 16 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

2006-11-08 01:10:27 · 9 answers · asked by who_me? 2

The spelling of "poor" is as printed on the quiz, but I guess it could be "pour" if that suits!!

2006-11-08 01:05:42 · 4 answers · asked by Lisa G 1

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice hot story!
Oh Sam please don't touch me at all.!
Oh Sam please don't touch me at.!
Oh Sam please don't touch.!
Oh Sam please dont.!
Oh Sam please.!
Oh Sam.!
Ohhh..!

EVER WONDER WHAT ALL THOSE ADVERTISING TERMS REALLY MEAN?

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

2006-11-08 01:04:19 · 25 answers · asked by Pd 6

Prime minister "we are in the s**t again sir". Why what's happened now asks the PM. Young Blenkinsop has been out flashing again last night on Oxford street, he was stood there with a huge erection flashing it at two young ladies. My god says the PM that will do us no good!!. Hang on a minute though, last night it was minus seven degrees outside, makes you proud to be British eh!!!!!!

2006-11-08 00:41:35 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

The Pope has to go for a visit and calls his chauffeur. The chauffeur pulls up with a brand new limo. The Pope beeing in a very jolly mood asks the lad if HE could drive the limo.
Its impossible your Holiness i would loose my job, answers the chauffeur.
Dont worry with me you will have no problems answers the Pope.
The Pope then starts the car and after a few minutes starts driving at an incredible speed and of course is spotted by the police who starts a pursuit to stop the car.
The police officer comes near the car and spots the Pope.... he immediately calls his boss.
Chief, i just stopped a car that was driving at 115 miles an hour.
And? answers the boss... just fine him !
I cant boss we would have problems he is so famous.
Who is it ? Tony Blair ?
No chief ...More important !
Someone from the royal family ?
No chief..... much more important !
Oh come on! says the "chief" who is it ?
Chief..... I think its GOD because he has the pope as chauffeur!

2006-11-08 00:41:23 · 16 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

2006-11-08 00:40:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-08 00:40:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was out in the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A coffin was followed by a second one’ behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement

"Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Join the queue."

2006-11-08 00:31:29 · 38 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-11-08 00:25:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I'll find a little quiet,
Far from the daily Family Riot.
May I lie back ..... not have to think.
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at,
And what they're doing to the cat.

I ask for time all to myself.
(Did something just fall off a shelf)?
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed.
(Oh, no! Another goldfish ..... dead)!

Some silent moments for Goodness Sake!
(Did I just hear a window break)?
And that I need not cook or clean...
..... Well, Heck, I've got the right to dream!

Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

2006-11-08 00:24:46 · 14 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2006-11-08 00:24:29 · 16 answers · asked by mac 4

President bush is rehersing his speach for the 2008 olympic games. he begins with
"ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo, ooo"
imediatly his speech writter jumps up and rushes over to president bush and wispers in his ear,
"Mr president, those are the olympic rings, your speech is underneath.

2006-11-08 00:14:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-08 00:12:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I say just 3. 1st was that .. having a bowl of curd in his hand and somebody asks him time... ofcourse he says the real time .. 12 oclock... 2nd was .. he was going to ofiice and forgot spects, watch and hankie.. remember ? asks his wife from downstairs to throw spects .. then the watch.. both broken and then stops her to throw the handkerchief.. 3rd was when santa and banta were playing chess.... !!!!! ONLY 3... ALL OTHER ARE NOT JOKES... BUT, REAL STORIES !!!! LOL !!!!.....

2006-11-08 00:11:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-08 00:02:15 · 19 answers · asked by elmow293 1

Most inventive and amusing answer gets the points

2006-11-07 23:49:38 · 16 answers · asked by Pope my ride! 4

once on a sarturday morning a man was killed who killed him?

@the maid checking the mail

B.the butcher at the 24-hours-a day-resturant

C. The gun-keeper at the shop

2006-11-07 23:46:14 · 17 answers · asked by Curtis H 1

A cowboy and his new little bride asked the hotel clerk for a room in which to spend their honeymoon.
" Congratulations on yor wedding! I know you are so happy! Would you like the Bridal, then"?
"Naw, thanks," replied the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it".

2006-11-07 23:39:25 · 5 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2006-11-07 23:33:09 · 28 answers · asked by leila b 2

richard,peter and john have a big mistake to there Cheftale Captain, for there penalty. the captain tell them to get ten fruits same kind.
first to came back is john brought ten oranges, captain said put it to your a** if you cried in pain or laugh, you will be killed. First orange john cried in pain.
Second to came is Peter brought 10 grapes, same as the captain said, the 10 grapes Peter to put in his a** he laugh.

At the heaven John and Peter met, John asked Peter why he laugh, and it is already the last grapes to put in your As*.
Peter answered:it is beacause i see Richard coming with 10 jackfruits..

2006-11-07 23:29:13 · 4 answers · asked by candy m 2

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids ..
"WOW,"
the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"



"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."



All the children rush to find seats.



"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."



"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well,
this
one he is Leroy, also."



The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the
oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to
the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm
seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"



Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'



'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes
a
runnin.



'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell
'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Leroy."



The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the
whole bunch?"




"I call them by their last names."

2006-11-07 23:24:39 · 15 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

Q How did the electrician lose the power in his home?
A He got married

2006-11-07 23:14:03 · 26 answers · asked by Jamieson 5

Women's a s s size study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their a s s is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their a s s is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

2006-11-07 22:57:02 · 17 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

One Saturday morning, John got up early, put on his thermal underwear and get dressed very quietly. He made him some lunch, grabbed his golf clubs from the spare room, and then went to the garage, he put his golf clubs in the trunk, and drove out the driveway.

Driving out of the garage, rain was pouring down; it was like a torrential down pour. There was hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 70 kph. Minutes later, He returned to the garage. Went back into the house, and turned the TV on to the weather channel.

He discover it's going to be bad weather all day long. I took the clubs back out of the boot, returned them to the spare room, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

He cuddled up nest to his wife's back, now with a different type of activity on his mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replied,

"I know!.......... Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this ****."

2006-11-07 22:48:41 · 22 answers · asked by chantelle d 3