Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-07 08:14:26 · 19 answers · asked by ezerkis2256 1

A girl from Georgia and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then in her Sweetest Southern Accent replied:
"So, where ya from, *****?"

2006-11-07 08:14:08 · 15 answers · asked by bubble 1

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one throws up over himself. "Damn," he says. "My wife is going to kill you when she see this."
"It's not a problem, "says the second drunk. "Just put £20 in your shirt pocket. When she asks what it's for, say a man threw up on you and gave you £20 to get your shirt cleaned."
"That's a great idea," says the first drunk, and to celebrate they both buy each other many drinks.
Later the first drunk returns home.....
"Look at the state of you!" shouts his wife. "You're covered in vomit!"
"It's not my fault," replies the drunk. A man threw up on me and gave me £20 to get it cleaned up."
Saying this, the drunk hands his wife some money.
"What do you mean £20?" says his wife. "There's £40 here."
"Oh yes," replies the drunk. "I forgot to mention, he crapped in my pants too."

2006-11-07 08:08:13 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway
patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I
can get
away from him no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he pushed
it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on
earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to
the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

2006-11-07 08:04:08 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 2 cannibals eating a clown..... one turns to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you"?

2006-11-07 08:02:36 · 7 answers · asked by ♣fo' by fo'♠ 3

A blonde and her boyfriend are in a bar when the news comes on. There is a man on top of a building threatning to jump. People are trying to coax him down. The boyfriend says to the blonde
"I bet you €20 he'll jump."
She says: "I bet you €20 he doesn't!"
So anyway after about half an hour they hear that the man jumped. The blonde gets her purse out to pay the boyfriend.
The boyfriend says:
"No I can't , I cheated, that wasn't a live news flash, I seen it earlier."
The blonde replies:
"So did I but I thought he'd change his mind this time!"

2006-11-07 08:02:14 · 34 answers · asked by ciaragw 3

he told police he was just f ukinaboot

2006-11-07 08:00:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two Cannibals killed someone, One of them started to eating at the head the other started at the feet. The one at the feet with out looking up, asked the one at the head how was he doing. When his reply was I'm haveing a ball. The other one told him to slow down he was eating to fast.

2006-11-07 07:58:49 · 16 answers · asked by flying bug 2

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?Paddy: Six.Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven!Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home!

2006-11-07 07:56:37 · 12 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

A bunny with an eyepatch walks into the store, pulls out a carrot and says:
"Give me all your money, or it will be like the last time!
A scared store clerk quitely asks "What happened the last time?"
A bunny lowers his head and says "Nobody gave me any money last time.."

2006-11-07 07:56:24 · 8 answers · asked by wdzone 3

Bloke wants his 70yr old wife dead. He asks a killer how to do it? Killer says, i'd shoot her below the left nipple, husband says i want her dead not bloody kneecapped.

2006-11-07 07:49:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little boy disturbs his parents making love, mums on top, boy asks wot they are doing, mum says dad has a big tummy so i get on top of it to help flatten it, little boys says your wasting your time cos when you go your shopping the lady next door goes down on her knees and blows it back up again.

2006-11-07 07:41:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence… and then a shot is heard.

Luigi’s voice comes back on the line,

“Okay, now what?”

2006-11-07 07:39:38 · 10 answers · asked by wdzone 3

Wullie walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone red-haired wife, Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'. "This," says Wullie, " is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae aboot." "Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep."
"Haud yer tounge woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."

2006-11-07 07:38:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 finalists in a peotry comp is given the word TIMBUKTU to use in a poem.
1st finalist : Slowly cross the desert sand, trecked a lonely caravan, men on camels 2 by 2, destination TIMBUKTU.
Irish finalist : Me and Tim a hunting went, met 3 whores in a pop up tent, they was 3 and we was 2, so i bucked 1 and TIMBUKTU.

2006-11-07 07:35:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man dies&finds himself in Hell. He's wallowing in despair when the Devil comes along&says "Cheer up. t's not so bad.We have a lot of fun down here.You a drinking man?"
"Sure" replies the man.I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays"says the Devil."On Mondays all we do is drink.Beer,whisky,wine,as much as you want.Say are you a smoker?"
"You'd better believe it!"says the man.
"Then you're gonna love Tuesday"says the Devil.We get the finest cigars from all over the world&smoke our lungs out.I bet you like to gamble don't you?"
"Why yes,"replies the man.
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want" says the Devil."Craps,blackjack,roulette,poker,whatever you like.Hey,you into drugs?"
"I love drugs!"says the man.
"Well Thursday is drug day"says the Devil."You can do all the drugs you want!"
"Wow says the man."I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
"Say&I'll bet you're gay too aren't you?"
"NO"replies the man.
"Ouch"replies the Devil."Then you're gonna hate Fridays!

2006-11-07 07:33:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

havin problens with prem ejaculations is told when u feel yrself coming give yrself a fright by firing a starting pistol in the air to prolong the sex,2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went.


Bloke say's not to good i did a 69er then felt myself *** so i fired the gun, my wife **** on my face,bit my bell end off and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!!!!

2006-11-07 07:33:19 · 10 answers · asked by robertboozychic 4

The Irishman and the elephant
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.
The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.
The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried,
"Mother of Mary, he's right!...Farty-two!"

2006-11-07 07:32:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can i smell your f***ny ? Absolutely not! She replied . "Then it must be your feet", he said

2006-11-07 07:29:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

multiply by 2, then add ten, then half it, then take away the number you thought of, answer should be 5.

2006-11-07 07:28:10 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Womens' Guide To
DRIVING MEN CRAZY



Do not say what you mean. Ever. Be ambiguous. Always.

Make them apologize for everything.

Always bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago, or with other boyfriends.







Look them in the eye and start laughing.

Demand to be called or e-mailed often. Whine when they don't comply.

Get mad at them for everything. Cry.







Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.





Plan little relationship anniversaries, like "the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library and exchanged that little look". Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.







Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing loud.

Criticize the music they listen to.

Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them if you are. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Try to get them to dance when they don't want to.

Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"







Read into everything. Over-analyze everything.

Cry. Cry often.

Try to change them. When they don't, cry.

2006-11-07 07:25:45 · 16 answers · asked by chris b 4

No, Niether has he!










(trymeimbritish just reminded me of this joke)

2006-11-07 07:25:13 · 10 answers · asked by jabelite 3

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled on the blackboard:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

2006-11-07 07:23:26 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

It doens't have to be true, I just want to laugh! You can even tell me a riddle if you want to! anything to keep me busy!

2006-11-07 07:15:41 · 6 answers · asked by rawrawree 2

2006-11-07 07:13:59 · 14 answers · asked by Beverley H 1

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

2006-11-07 07:10:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-07 07:09:45 · 5 answers · asked by davidd 3

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit
pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly p’d off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability
Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike... and starts to sing .....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

2006-11-07 07:08:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

~ Sex Mathmatics ~

This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is amazing SEX math!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It only takes about a minute...
Work this out as you read.



Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun (& it's about sex).

First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex ... (try for more than once but less than 10)

Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

Add 5. (for Friday Night)

Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)

I'll wait while you get the calculator...



If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752...

If you haven't, add 1751 ...

Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. (if you remember)

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week).

The next two numbers are your age.

IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?

2006-11-07 07:05:32 · 28 answers · asked by chris b 4

IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT The OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL-LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER is none other than…………..Your Toothbrush!!!!! LOL

2006-11-07 07:03:00 · 15 answers · asked by EriksSweetheart 3