I want to know the funniest jokes people have ever heard.?

Answer 1

why did they cancel the wave at football and baseball games?


because two blondes drown ~hahaha

Answer 2

okay, so a woman walks into a bar,and sees a man floating above his chair. she asks him how is doing that. the man kindly repilies,"it's my magic beer, see?" and he jumps out the window (it was a 2-story bar), flies around the building once, and comes back in to float above his chair. the lady thinks that this is great and says,"i'll have what he's having"she gulps down her beer, jumps out the window, and dies from the fall. the bartender looks at the man and says, "Superman, you can be a real @$$hole when you're drunk"


THE MUFFIN JOKE
there are these two muffins sitting in an oven, one says, "man, it's hot in here", and the other yells "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"



Q:why don't witches wear underwear?

A:to get a better grip on the broomstick



Q:how do you get a nun pregnant?


A: dress her like an altar boy




3 men just got married, and are exclaiming over their new wives, the first one says, "yeah, I married a bright girl from oregon, and i told her after the honeymoon that everynight i expect a hot meal on the table and a clean house. it took 2 days, but she has it done every single night" the 2nd guy says, "well, i married a girl from florida, and i told her that everynight i want a clean house, a hot meal, and great sex. after 3 days, it started happening." the third guy says, "i married a girl from wisconsin, and i told her that i want the lawn taken care of, a hot meal, my laundry cleaned and ironed, a clean house, and the best sex ever everynight. after 2 weeks, the swelling went down enough that i could pick up the phone, order pizza, mow the lawn, learn how to run the washing machine, and ask her how she wants the dishes done."

Answer 3

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

and one more, cause I like laughing... even if it is at my own jokes by myself! :)

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks

Answer 4

A traveling salesman is going door-to-door. He knocks on one house's door and little boy, no more than 10 or 12, answers. He's wearing a poker visor, has a mug of beer in one had, and a fat smoking stogy burning in the other. The salesman says, "Hey little fella, is your mommy or daddy home?" The kid takes a big swig of his beer and a big hit on his cigar, looks up at the man and says, "What the f*ck do you think?"

Answer 5

Okay so two people walk into a bar. You would have thought that the second guy would have seen it! hahaha

How high can a flute go?
I duno, it all depends on how far a tuba player can chuck it accrost the football field.

Answer 6

there once was a bird called the foo bird.. A man was crossing the highway and realizes that he has stepped into some foo bird sh##. So in the middle of the highway, he stops to wipe the foo bird sh## off his shoe and is hit by a bus...fatal accident. Moral of story : If the foo sh##s...wear it!!!!