Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

There is a town in Texas where 5% of all the people living there have unlisted phone numbers. If you selected 100 names at random from the town's phone directory, on average, how many of these people would have unlisted phone numbers?

2006-11-06 01:22:29 · 5 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-11-06 01:21:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your **** with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his **** with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

2006-11-06 01:09:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can
Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said
sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
scrumptious dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with
me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you
are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back
and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet
and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f*ckin' funeral director would be my guess."

2006-11-06 01:08:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"

2006-11-06 01:02:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

2006-11-06 00:53:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A trucker goes into a wh***house and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't ho***, I'm homesick."

2006-11-06 00:50:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.


Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"



The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think.I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."



The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ****?"



"Your name never came up," she replied.

2006-11-06 00:05:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no smell". The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?", to which the doctor replied - "I'm going to open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!".

2006-11-06 00:01:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Laughing in the dead of night, what do I do?

2006-11-05 23:41:50 · 13 answers · asked by Waineo G 1

2006-11-05 23:37:12 · 13 answers · asked by kunging 1

a blonde walks into an electronics store and says can i buy a cooker please the man behind the counter says sorry i dont sell cookers to a blonde. she gets annoyed and walks out. the next day she comes in with a brunette wig on and points and says ill buy that cooker please. the man says sorry i dont sell cookers to blondes she gets stressed and walks out the nxt day she goes in again this time with a red wig on and points and says ill buy that cooker please he says sorry i dont sell cookers to blondes she looks at him and says how do u no im blonde he says well when someone comes in and points at a tv and asks if she can buy that cooker u no that she is blonde!!! ne body no any other good 1s?????

2006-11-05 23:36:16 · 16 answers · asked by jaqueline 2

A man died and went to heaven.there were thousands of people there.They were all naked and looked as if they died at the age of 21.he looked around to see if there was anyone who he recognized.he saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know that?

2006-11-05 23:24:36 · 20 answers · asked by kunging 1

2006-11-05 23:24:15 · 3 answers · asked by Bobbi 1

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;
And patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength,I'll just beat him to death
AMEN!!!!

2006-11-05 23:21:56 · 15 answers · asked by lisababyg ♥ 5

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For crying out loud''how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?


It was Momma Bear who got up first,

it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

it was Momma Bear who Made the coffee,

it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,

it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.


"I HAVEN'T MADE THE ******* PORRIDGE YET !!

2006-11-05 23:17:12 · 14 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

Just try guessing... ;)

2006-11-05 23:14:54 · 6 answers · asked by IVAN 1

a man left home running.He ran away and then turned left,ran the same distance and turn left again.,run the same distance and turn left again.Whaen he get home, there were two masked men. Who were they?

2006-11-05 23:13:14 · 13 answers · asked by kunging 1

Mine is completely confused and tells me that I am no longer in an id when I know I am not and have not been there for the past 15 minutes. It tells me I am not signed in in Answers when I am!!! guess it has that Monday morning feeling and must have watched too many fireworks last night and maybe drunk a little too much!!!

2006-11-05 23:09:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

are walking through a desert the brunette has a flask. the blonde asks why did u bring that the brunette replies so if i get thirsty i can have a drink. the red head has a packed lunch. the blonde asks why have u got that and the red head replies so if i get hungry i can have something to eat. the red head and the brunette look at the blonde carrying a car door and ask why have you got that and the blonde replies so if i get hot i can open the window!

2006-11-05 23:09:05 · 9 answers · asked by jaqueline 2

cause it was dead. (also told to me by my 4 year old) aparently heard it from a cousin.

2006-11-05 22:59:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two tourists driving through Wales. At Llanhyfryddawellehynafolybaarcudprinnanfygtif, they stop for lunch. One tourist asks the blonde waitress "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us, will you pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over and said "Burr-gurr-kinng"

2006-11-05 22:58:33 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2006-11-05 22:50:22 · 21 answers · asked by neeti 1

a man takes his wife to the doctor saying that she has been acting strange lately, so the doctor examines her and a week later calls the man in to the surgery to see him"i've examined your wife and i've determined that she has either altzhiemers disease or she is hiv+" "o fu*k" says the man "how will i know which?" "well" says the doctor "take her out in the car for a drive in the country,somewhere you've never been before and leave her there... if she finds her way home then DON'T SLEEP WITH HER!!!

2006-11-05 22:34:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy climbs a very tall mountain and as he reaches the peak, he comes across 2 frozen people, he looks @ them and says "this is adam and eve... how does he know?

2006-11-05 22:18:49 · 10 answers · asked by Smack 1

I was cleaning out my 'stuff to save folder' and found this funny joke that a friend sent me a long time ago...click the link to see it...oh and you need sound...

http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html

2006-11-05 22:18:03 · 3 answers · asked by Courtney 3

man wakes up one morning,looks out the window and sees a gorilla in his tree. startled he gets the yellow pages and finds gorilla removal service, explains his predicament and is asked if it is a male or female"male i think"says the man. half hour later there is a knock at the door and a man is standing there with a pair of handcuffs,a shotgun,a BIG wooden stick and a highly trained chuwawa dog.he asks to see the gorrilla so the man takes him outside and he then gives the homeowner some instructions.."i will climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick,he will fall out and the highly trained chuwawa will bite him in the nuts, he will then go to protect himself so you then slap on the handcuffs" "ok"said the man "but what's the shotgun for?" well he said "if i fall out the tree before the gorilla.... SHOOT THE BLOODY CHUWAWA

2006-11-05 22:08:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 22:08:06 · 13 answers · asked by SARA H 4

my 4 year old was in the backyard singing while i was hanging out the washing. he was singing shut up by black eyed peas, when all of a sudden he turns to me and says, 'i can say shut up cant i mum, but i cant say f##king hell! i was speachless. lol

2006-11-05 22:04:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-05 21:58:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous