have you ever had to read/write a letter of recommendations?

Question

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases

for the chronically absent=a man like him is hard to find or it seemed her career was just taking off

for the office drunk=I feel his real talent is wasted here or we generally found him loaded with work to do or every hour with him was a happy hour

for an employee with no ambition=he could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in or you would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you

for an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled=I can assure you that no person would be better for the job

for an employee who is not worth further considerations a job candidate=I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment or all in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him to highly

for a stupid employee=there is nothing you can teach a man like him or I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever

for a dishonest employee=her true ability was deceiving or he’s an unbelievable worker

have to read a letter of recommendations? here are a few translations:
a keen analyst=thoroughly confused

accepts new job assignments willingly=never finished a job

active socially=drinks heavily

alert to company developments=an office gossip

approaches difficult problems with logic=finds someone else to do the job

bridge builder=likes to compromise

character above reproach=still one step ahead of the law

charismatic=no interest in any opinion but his own

competent=is still able to get work done if supervisor helps

conscientious and careful=scared

consults with co workers often=indecisive, confused and clueless

delegates responsibility effectively=passes the buck well

demonstrates qualities of leadership=has a loud voice

deserves promotion=create new title to make him/her feel appreciated

displays excellent intuitive judgment=knows when to disappear

displays great dexterity and agility=dodges and evades superiors well

enjoys job=needs more to do
excels in sustaining concentration but avoids everyone=ignores everyone

excels in the effective application of skills=makes a good cup of coffee

exceptionally well qualified=has committed no major blunders to date

expresses self well=can string two sentences together

gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike=a coward

happy=paid too much

hard worker=usually does it the hard way

identifies major management problems=complains a lot

is well informed=knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept

inspires the cooperation of others=gets everyone else to do the work

is unusually loyal=wanted by no one else

judgment is usually sound=lucky

keen sense of humor=knows lots of dirty jokes

keeps informed on business issues=subscribes to playboy and national enquirer

listens well=has no ideas of his own

maintains a high degree of participation=comes to work on time

maintains professional attitude=a snob

meticulous in attention to detail=a nitpicker

mover and shaker=favors steamroller tactics without regard for other peoples opinions

uses all available resources=takes office supplies home for personal use

quick thinking=offers plausible excuses for errors

should go far=please

spends extra hours on the job=miserable home life

straightforward=blunt and insensitive

strong adherence to principles=stubborn

tactful in dealing with superiors=knows when to keep mouth shut

takes utmost advantage of every opportunity to progress=buys drinks for superiors

takes pride in work=conceited

uses time effectively=clock watcher

very creative=finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work

will go far=relative of management

willing to take calculated risks=doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money

Answer 1

Oh my god! I have to write one tomorrow! Can I borrow these?

Answer 2

ha ha!

Answer 3

UMMM...HAHA