Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-15 02:35:46 · 4 answers · asked by James Blond 4

2006-09-15 02:31:33 · 11 answers · asked by gifted 4

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen.


They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get Tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! if I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off".


Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham & Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.

Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.



Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and baseball cap. "Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch.

2006-09-15 02:30:55 · 13 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

What does a Chinese Down's Syndrome look like?

http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-15 02:29:47 · 6 answers · asked by simonpt 1

What am I?

I am enjoyed by some, despised by others, and some abuse me. I am a sacrament, a gift. I am never-ending, yet at times some break me. What am I?

.

2006-09-15 02:27:07 · 27 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

What is it about the smell of someone elses fart that makes you hungry?

http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-15 02:23:55 · 14 answers · asked by simonpt 1

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

2006-09-15 02:21:36 · 8 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

I am the begining of eternity and the end of time and space. I am the begining of every end and the end of every place. What am i?

2006-09-15 02:18:07 · 18 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;

metal,
wood,
stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES T OOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.



He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

:-[

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.



! She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)




V

!


V








M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


What were you thinking, you pervert??



GOTCHA

2006-09-15 02:17:47 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

2006-09-15 02:10:01 · 10 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

I got told a joke one time and i never found out the answer. I dont even know if there is one. It went like this "Santa Claus walked into a bar and someone said 'You're gay'. Who said it?" The person telling me the joke said that it doesen't matter about Santa Claus it could be Spiderman, Rick James, or anyone. What I need to know is who said Your Gay to the person who walked into the bar

2006-09-15 02:06:24 · 6 answers · asked by John Steigns 1

MISS BEATRICE THE CHURCH ORGANIST, WAS IN HER EIGHTIES.
SHE WAS ADMIRED FOR HER SWEETNESS AND KINDNESS TO ALL. ONE
AFTERNOON THE
PASTOR CAME TO CALL ON HER AND SHE SHOWED HIM INTO HER QUAINT
SITTING ROOM.
SHE INVITED HIM TO HAVE A SEAT WHILE SHE PREPARED TEA.
AS HE SAT FACING HER OLD ORGAN THE MINISTER
NOTICED A CUT
GLASS BOWL SITTING ON TOP OF IT. THE BOWL WAS FILLED WITH WATER
AND IN THE
WATER FLOATED, OF ALL THINGS, A CONDOM! WHEN SHE RETURNED WITH
THE TEA
THEY BEGAN TO CHAT.
THE PASTOR TRIED TO STIFLE HIS CURIOSITY ABOUT THE BOWL OF WATER
AND ITS
STRANGE FLOATER, BUT SOON IT GOT THE BETTER OF HIM AND HE COULD
NO LONGER
RESIST "MISS BEATRICE" HE SAID "I WONDER IF YOU WOULD TELL ME
ABOUT THIS"?
POINTING TO THE BOWL.
OH YES" SHE REPLIED "ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? I WAS WALKING THROUGH
THE PARK A
FEW MONTHS AGO AND I FOUND THIS LITTLE PACKAGE ON THE GROUND.
THE DIRECTIONS SAID TO PLACE IT ON THE ORGAN, KEEP IT WET AND
THAT IT WOULD
PREVENT THE SPREAD OF DISEASE. DO YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T HAD THE FLU
>ALL
> >>WINTER?"

2006-09-15 02:01:23 · 9 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

2006-09-15 01:59:29 · 9 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

2006-09-15 01:39:08 · 8 answers · asked by endagrogan 2

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question "

2006-09-15 01:39:00 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yes I have watched 'Alice in Wonderland' recently lol

2006-09-15 01:35:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"

2006-09-15 01:27:17 · 25 answers · asked by curious 5

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as

different emotions e.g. fear etc.



On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host

Opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And the guy says,"I'm green with NV".

"Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." The host replies.





A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."



A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing starkers
one with his kn*b in a bowl of custard, and the other with his kn*b stuck in
a pear.



The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both
doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street
like that. Anyhow what

emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in
despair"

2006-09-15 01:23:27 · 11 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of
our family holidays in Customs.


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to
sleep at night.


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people
were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

2006-09-15 00:54:07 · 21 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

he should have told bin laden to blow it up on 9-10

2006-09-15 00:49:56 · 4 answers · asked by mohawktrench 1

2006-09-15 00:48:42 · 7 answers · asked by jade a 1

2006-09-15 00:43:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

he goes in and pays $500. He's taken to a large room with a running track and there stands this really hot babe.

The clinic guy says "It's real simple,see the track? See the babe? If you can catch her, you can f@#K her!" So the guy goes round n' round all day until until he was exuasted & gave up

"I'll come back tomorrow"

So the next day he pay $1,000 & gets a babe to chase thats even hotter than the one before.

"Same deal dude If you can catch her, you can f@#K her."

So around & around they go & the guy still can't catch her.

"I'll come back tomorrow"

On the last day he pays $2,000 & tells the clinic guy.

"Your sign said 'Guaranteed weight loss in three days',so today better be good!"

He goes into the same room but today he find this huge guy who's an escaped convict

The convict looks over to the fat guy & says

"If I catch you ,I'm gonna F@#K you

2006-09-15 00:41:06 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and his date were parked on a secluded dirt road
and started to make out hot and heavy.
His date stopped and said,
"I really should have told you this earlier,
but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
John pulled a twenty out of his billfold
and proceeded to have his way with her.
After a cigarette, John just sat in the driver's seat
starring out the window.
The woman asked him, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
John replied, "Well, I really should have
told you THIS earlier." "I am actually a taxi cab driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."

2006-09-15 00:40:35 · 19 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

This guy with a black eye walks onto a plane. He has. When reached his seat, he found the man sitting beside also has a black eye.
After a few moments pause, the 1st man says, "excuse me, I think it remarkable that we are sitting beside and both of us have black eyes. Tell me, how did you get your black eye?"
"Well", said the 2nd guy, "It's actually a bit embarassing. Mine was due to a slip of the tongue. When buying my ticket today, I was served by a woman with the largest breasts I've ever seen. I meant to say 'can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh', instead I said 'can I have two pickets to Titsburgh'. She was not impressed, and boxed me in the eye."
"That's amazing", said the first guy "mine was caused by a slip of the tongue too! This morning, when I was eating breakfast, I meant to say to my wife 'Could you please pass the butter darling, when I said 'You fat ugly cow, you've ruined my life!'"

2006-09-14 23:44:23 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

one line her and one line there at an angle,
and then join them up with a third and you get a............?

lol its very simple!

2006-09-14 23:06:49 · 14 answers · asked by sinnedfairy 5

There were once two lovers who loved to try out kinky new ways of sex. The woman suggested they have sex in the park at night. The man agreed
Later that night, the couple hid in the bushes and waited for people to leave. The both undressed in pitch black and the man began kissing the woman all over, then 'moved south'. After what seemed like 10 minutes the man burst out:
"I wish I had a torch."
"So do I," the woman sighed, "you've been eating the grass for ten minutes."

2006-09-14 23:00:46 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-14 22:53:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's with the long face?"

2006-09-14 22:45:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-14 22:40:03 · 12 answers · asked by keerthu_93 2