Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

2006-09-15 07:25:06 · 17 answers · asked by Sasha 3

2006-09-15 07:18:43 · 5 answers · asked by Sasha 3

a: murder
b: suicide
c: merely making an obscene clone fall; or
d: a mess

2006-09-15 07:12:52 · 6 answers · asked by bob_smith_6666 1

much of a painter's paintings hav been featured at two different famous art mueseums, but very few ppl know his name, and while a child may no his name(very VERY few children no him) almost all art experts dont no him. why not?

2006-09-15 06:54:08 · 8 answers · asked by joe c 3

A blonde girl was really getting tired of hearing how dumb blondes are. Her friend suggested that she do something smart the next time somebody made fun of blondes ,like learning all the states and their capitals. The blonde went home and didn't come out for 2 weeks , she studied very hard. One night the blonde was at a party and heard a guy making fun of blondes. She went up to the guy and said"oh yeah I happen to be very smart, I know all the states and their capitals!". The guy said ok whats the capital of Maine? and the blonde said














M

2006-09-15 06:53:52 · 14 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

Who achieved the farthest human cannonball flight, being fired 185 ft. 10 in. from a cannon on May 29, 1998, at Kennywood Park, West Mifflin, Pennsylvania

2006-09-15 06:49:48 · 10 answers · asked by texgurll 1

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm
going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property,
and you're not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am
one of the best trial attorneys in the country, and if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old
farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and
so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly
thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old
farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff knocked out three of the lawyer's teeth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every
bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with
the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn." The old
farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

2006-09-15 06:46:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr.& Mrs. John are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 25th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Mr. John turns to his wife and asks, "Honey, did we pay our loan installment yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Mr. John, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Honey, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, honey. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me dear. "I didn't send that one, either."

Mr. John grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 20 years. Mrs. Sharma pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

He replied "We are saved darling. They'll find us!"

2006-09-15 06:33:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-15 06:20:39 · 8 answers · asked by Daniel 1

2006-09-15 06:13:01 · 13 answers · asked by cooker 3

a wealthy bald man met a doc at a party, and talked ab how he had gotten so many transplants, but they neva worked. He said to the doctor, who was a woman with lovely hair, that if she could make his hair look like hers, then he would pay her 1 mil dollers. she knew that it was impossible for him to gro hair, but she agreed and one the 1 million dollers. how

2006-09-15 06:08:07 · 17 answers · asked by joe c 3

feel the need, after a joke is posted, to attempt to alter the punch line or slate it as not being factually correct or worse have a dig at the person as the joke in thier opinion is not funny.

Fair enough if it is racist or way out of line, but most here are not.

IF YOU DONT LIKE MOVE ON WITHOUT JUDGING, OR DO BETTER YOURSELF!

Anyone agree?

2006-09-15 05:58:52 · 13 answers · asked by Platinum 3

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

2006-09-15 05:58:32 · 13 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A goup of sailors got to a port. one of the ugliest that had no money and was the meaest man u ever met made a bet to the other sailors that in 1 hr, he would have two beautiful girls in each arm . how did he win the bet?

2006-09-15 05:55:56 · 11 answers · asked by joe c 3

I had a very tough morning and am very very sad because my kitten just died. Can anyone help me feel better by telling me a good joke or something? Thanks...

2006-09-15 05:52:16 · 7 answers · asked by Sunshine 4

YOU'RE FIRED!!!

2006-09-15 05:51:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

2006-09-15 05:48:44 · 6 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

2006-09-15 05:46:16 · 6 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A women lives on the 10th floor of a block of flats.
Every day, she leaves her flat, gets in the lift on the 10th floor and goes down to the ground floor, exits the lift and goes to work.
When she comes back from work, she gets in the lift on the ground floor goes up to the 8th floor then takes the stairs up to the 10th floor. There is nothing wrong with the lift so why does she get off at the 8th floor when she returns home?

2006-09-15 05:45:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

As in your Momma's so fat your Daddy has some sex then rolls over four times and is still on the B*tch.

2006-09-15 05:27:08 · 18 answers · asked by Ben S 2

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming: “Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like . . .Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents”

2006-09-15 05:25:29 · 5 answers · asked by worldneverchanges 7

They call me a man, but I'll never have a wife.
I was given a body, but not given life.
They made me a mouth, but didn't give me breath.
Water gives me life and sun brings me death

2006-09-15 05:15:14 · 16 answers · asked by Mr. JC 1

a husband takes his wife of 30 years, back too their honeymoon hotel
whilst undressing for bed she says" all those years ago on our honeymoon night, when I stripped for bed, what did you think" the husband answered " I thought I could suck you t*ts dry and f**k your a*s off" he says "what do you think now" she says, "I think I succeeded" he says.

2006-09-15 05:14:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their politics or religion, agree is between heaven and earth?

2006-09-15 05:07:46 · 14 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

2006-09-15 04:57:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were driving in their car when it broke down. The man decided to go for help at a gas station a few miles back. He made sure nobody was in the car, rolled all the windows up, and locked all of the sedan's doors. He went off, but when he came back, his wife was dead, and there was a stranger in the car. No physical damage was done to the car, so how did the stranger get in?

2006-09-15 04:55:32 · 17 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?

2006-09-15 04:47:01 · 14 answers · asked by Lanie 3

Before you get into bed at night eat Herta Frankfurters, an entire pack, and follow that up with a litre of Tropicana Fibre drink. You will fart relentlessly through the night and on until about noon the next day. You can do this with the Firbre drink on its own, but the frankfurters bring a fabulous pungent dog food smell to the party - This has provided me with a fabulous source of entertainment during my commute today!

Please please do give it a go...

http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-15 04:46:33 · 16 answers · asked by head_achey 1

and he says to the barman "Quick, gimme a large scotch"
He takes the drink and downs it in one.
"Quick, gimme another one" - he drinks this in one go too.
"What's wrong?" says the barman
"Man, you'd be drinking fast too if you had what I had" says the guy.
"Why, what you got?" says the barman
"£1.12" says the guy.
LOL

2006-09-15 04:45:04 · 12 answers · asked by Tracy L 2

Which creature in the morning goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?

2006-09-15 04:42:30 · 6 answers · asked by horrorfan 3