Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $227.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

2006-09-15 11:57:31 · 16 answers · asked by pistonfan1111 1

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

2006-09-15 11:55:48 · 7 answers · asked by Precious Angel 2

2006-09-15 11:53:38 · 33 answers · asked by fingers 69 1

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

2006-09-15 11:48:29 · 11 answers · asked by Precious Angel 2

why does my body stinks so bad,it's not like dont wash myself i took a bath 5 months ago,lol

2006-09-15 11:43:01 · 18 answers · asked by what is the good word? 4

There was a girl who lusted after a man. She wanted him. He asked her out for a date. He was to come to pick her up at 7pm on Saturday.
At 6 55pm she felt that she had to fart. She did not want to fart in the house because she knew that it would smell and she did not want to have the man think that she had a stinky house. The fart was balled up in her intestines. It hurt. She had to fart. She developed a quick plan. When he walked her to the car he would open her door. She would fart while he walked around the car to his door. She would open the car window and fan all of the "offensive" gas out of the car before he got in.

The man arrived at 7pm, walked her to the car and opened the door as planned. When she got in she farted, a very loud BRAAAAAAT. She opened the window and waved her hands to fan the smell out. She was comfortable. The man got in, indicated to the back seat and said, "Oh, by the way, I want to introduce you to my parents. They are going to eat with us".

2006-09-15 11:28:58 · 15 answers · asked by pistonfan1111 1

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.


I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......

==========================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't ***
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

2006-09-15 11:28:45 · 21 answers · asked by neha 3

A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, "The first little pig went up to a man and asked, 'Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'"

The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, "What do you think the man said?"

One boy raised his hand and said, "I think maybe the man said something like, 'Holy S***! A talking pig!!!'"

2006-09-15 11:27:17 · 13 answers · asked by pistonfan1111 1

2006-09-15 11:15:11 · 5 answers · asked by doggiebike 5

2006-09-15 11:07:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Husband:
> >> >
> >> > I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
> >>good.
> >> > I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
> >>to
> >> > show for it.
> >> >
> >> > These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
> >>that
> >> > you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
> >>week,
> >> > you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
> >>nails
> >> > done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
>
> >>negligee.
> >> > You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
> >>after
> >>watching the game.
> >> >
> >> > You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
> >>anything.
> >> >
> >> > Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
> >>the
> >> > case is, I'm gone.
> >> >
> >> > P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
> >>moving
> >> > away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
> >> >
> >> > Your EX-Wife
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > Dear Ex-Wife
> >> >
> >> > Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
> >>true
> >> > that you and I have been married for seven years,
>although a
> >>good
> >> > woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much
> >>to
> >> > try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't
> >>work. I
> >> > did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the
> >>first
> >> > thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My
> >>mother
> >> > raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
> >> >
> >> > When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
> >>confused
> >> > with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
> >>I went
> >> > to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
> >>price
> >> > tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
> >> >
>brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and
> >>your
> >>negligee was $49.99.
> >> >
> >> > After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work
> >>it out.
> >> >
> >> > So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
> >>dollars,
> >> > I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I
> >>got
> >> > home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I
> >>hope
> >> > you have the filling life you always wanted.
> >> >
> >> > My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a
> >>dime
> >> > from me. So take care.
> >> >
> >> > P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother
> >>was
> >> > born
>Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
> >> >
> >> > Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

2006-09-15 11:07:44 · 35 answers · asked by neha 3

2006-09-15 10:33:26 · 22 answers · asked by worldlypuppy 1

2006-09-15 10:26:18 · 10 answers · asked by Missy W 1

A woman who loved baked beans had to give them up because they caused so much gas.
One day it was her birthday and her car broke down. As she was walking home, she passed a diner that had baked beans on special. She figured since it was still a long walk home, she would have some beans.
On her way home, she began to fart. Just when the last fart came, she arrived home.
Her husband met her at the door and said I have a surprise for you, but you must put on this blindfold. He led her to the dinner table and she sat down.
Just then the phone rang and the husband went to the next room to answer it. She felt a fart coming on, so she let it rip. Then another and a third and a fourth before her husband got back.
He then took off her blindfold and there sat six of her closest friends for a surprise birthday party.

2006-09-15 10:22:19 · 23 answers · asked by pistonfan1111 1

2006-09-15 10:17:31 · 31 answers · asked by Richard B 1

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

2006-09-15 10:09:39 · 16 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other one idiot?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

2006-09-15 10:09:21 · 14 answers · asked by pistonfan1111 1

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"

2006-09-15 10:05:05 · 12 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

for anything?...not cheezy ones like "your mom" but ones that'll wip the smile off thier face, and make me sound smart?lol.?

2006-09-15 09:57:16 · 10 answers · asked by indianschick24 3

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>
>He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
>"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil.
>
>"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but YOU DEFINITELY
>have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got
>three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
>them go, but you have to take their place.
>I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. But your choice will be final."
>George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
>
>The Devil opened the first room.
>
>In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept
>resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was h is
>fate in hell.
>"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
>don't think I could do that all day long."
>The devil led him to the next room.
>
>In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room f! ull of rocks.
>All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and
>more rocks appeared.
>"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
>agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
>The devil opened a third door.
>
>In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his
>arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
>Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
>George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
>said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
>
>
>
>r u ready??????
>
>
>
>
>
>really ready??????????
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The devil smiled and said... " Monica, you're free to go!"

2006-09-15 09:44:28 · 21 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

2006-09-15 09:43:14 · 18 answers · asked by noddy194 2

2006-09-15 09:39:56 · 3 answers · asked by houma_guy_rr 1

There was a family living in an round house. There was a mother, a father, a daughter, a son, and a maid. When the son was murdered everyone was suspects. The father said that he did not kill the boy, he was fixing the car outside. The mother said that she did not kill the boy, she was washing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom. The daughter said that she did not kill the boy, she was in her room all day listening to music. The maid said i did not kill the boy, i was sweeping every corner of the house. Who killed the boy?

2006-09-15 09:38:18 · 27 answers · asked by PYT 3

This image features two popular historical characters. One is Garibaldi and who is the other? And how can you see the other person?

image:
http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/4706/garlin5rwld1.jpg

2006-09-15 09:34:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only found in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

2006-09-15 09:32:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I would like to hear your funniest joke and please try to keep them short I don't feel like reading too much

2006-09-15 09:31:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen.....

Can you tell me how many wolves are there in this image?

Just tell me the right number and i will confirm it by posting the pic again and marking where the wolves can be found.

here is the image:
http://img160.imageshack.us/img160/528/wolfhdlg2dfxf8.jpg

2006-09-15 09:28:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a scotish woman comes home and her husband is stodd there with his knob hanging in his boot... what does she say to him

10 points for first right answer

2006-09-15 09:27:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is sitting down looking out of a window. How did he die?

2006-09-15 09:23:04 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

If there are, then entertain me. You know how teachers say there are no dumb questions? There are! Here is an example. "John Smith, what is ur name? When was the war of 1812? ETC ;) Have fun! This is for all of those bored jerks, like me, who like to give smartass answers! ;)

2006-09-15 09:17:54 · 24 answers · asked by ? 3