Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michegan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
“Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

2006-09-15 15:03:25 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

First one to get all three correct receive ten points!!

Four fingers and a thumb yet flesh and bone I have none. What am I?


I am neither in the house
Nor out of house
But I am still part of the house
What am I?


Girls have it
Boys dont
It is in life
But not in death.

What is it?

2006-09-15 15:02:17 · 7 answers · asked by ♂spakarun♂ 2

10 points for best answer 20 points if it is what i am thinking,lol

2006-09-15 14:58:17 · 15 answers · asked by ? 4

First person that answers all 3 riddles correctly recieves ten points! Good Luck!

1.) I am a three digit number.
My tens digit is five more than my ones digit.
And my hundreds digit is eight less than my trens digit. What number am I?


2.) Im sometimes white, sometimes black
I take you there but nevre bring you back.
What am I?


3.) A man was found dead one Sunday morning
His wife immediatly called the police.
The police questioned the wife and the staff which gave these alibis:

Wife said she was in bed reading a book.
The cook said he was in the kitchen cooking.
The gardener claimed he was planting seeds.
The maid said she was getting the mail.
The butler said he was pollishing the silver.

The police immediatly arrested the murderer? Who did it?

2006-09-15 14:46:45 · 16 answers · asked by ♂spakarun♂ 2

I have eyes but no face
I have skin but no hair
I am white on the inside and brown on outside.....
What am I?

2006-09-15 14:45:13 · 39 answers · asked by tawny 2

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

2006-09-15 14:45:05 · 12 answers · asked by JEFF HARDY #1 FAN 3

2006-09-15 14:41:25 · 8 answers · asked by JEFF HARDY #1 FAN 3

Sniffer

a man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this."
He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

2006-09-15 14:40:05 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

(1) It's so amazing what people will do in church! A man sitting right next to me lit a cigarette, I was so shocked that I almost dropped my damn beer! (2) You like dumb that's person retarded another to it send now dis readin time sweet your takin 4 thanks (now read it backwards) (3) Can you get pregnant if you have sex in da ***? Yes but you will have a crack baby. Send to 5 people b4 they have lil assholes runnin around

2006-09-15 14:29:32 · 11 answers · asked by teddybr 2

A man is found dead in an open field there are no witnesses all he has by his side is a small package, there are no signs of him being attacked nor are there any footprints around him. How did he die??

2006-09-15 14:24:46 · 45 answers · asked by christy w 1

ur in a room with 3 switches and in an other room there is 3 light bulbs that are randomly connected to the 3 switches. After switching on a few switches u can check if ur right ONLY ONCE and u cant look at both rooms at the same time good luck.

2006-09-15 14:22:10 · 21 answers · asked by yabhi70 3

2006-09-15 14:18:04 · 10 answers · asked by Kel Kel 5

2006-09-15 14:02:46 · 9 answers · asked by mohawktrench 1

Just tell me your absolute BEST joke ever. Make me laugh till I pee on myself.

2006-09-15 14:01:48 · 6 answers · asked by Death Virus 6

Q1. If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Q2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?
A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
C: He is a decorated war hero. H e's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion
question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

2006-09-15 13:50:51 · 20 answers · asked by Reca 2

Assume that these statements are true: Everybody likes cats and everybody likes boobs but nobody likes dogs and nobody likes doobs. Doobs is a cat. The statement is: a:True b:False c: Unable to determine

2006-09-15 13:37:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fleeing Hezballah guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $50."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It is run by my brother and has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

2006-09-15 13:27:04 · 13 answers · asked by Reca 2

Theres a picture of a poker table with poker chips that say Las Vegas, and 2 cards on the table (king of hearts and ace of hearts ) but the K is backwards... Help please....

2006-09-15 13:25:52 · 25 answers · asked by Shelle 1

2006-09-15 13:22:47 · 5 answers · asked by Me<3JB 2

2006-09-15 13:22:38 · 9 answers · asked by position28 4

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,
right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good
luck! By the way,what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them payed."

2006-09-15 13:21:34 · 13 answers · asked by Reca 2

These guys are so hilarious. I can't get enough of them.
*Vote for the Funniest Clip!

View the funny video clips at my other post-----> http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Amg0PcniiZJUxJ_LDg8KEunsy6IX?qid=20060915083924AAUP4HY

(All negative responses will be ignored and will put your rating low, don't waste your time. If you've seen my post in other categories and have already voted, you don't need to vote again, unless you want to. Thanks and enjoy!)

2006-09-15 13:19:14 · 4 answers · asked by comedy 1

MYSTERY SOLVED
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called
Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was
horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't
need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." "Man spoke up and
said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion
too, wanted only 10 years. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10
years?" "Of course," said the lion.
Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others,10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and got
them.
This explains why man has
20 years of normal sex life
10 years of monkeying around
10 years of lion about it and
10 years of making a jackazz out of himself.

2006-09-15 13:10:21 · 6 answers · asked by Reca 2

A burglar breaks into a house and as he's creeping around with his flashlight he hears this voice say, "Be careful! Jesus is watching!" The burglar looks around but doesn't see anything. He continues on to the next room and he hears the same voice, "Be careful! Jesus is watching!" Startled he shines his flashlight around and says, "Who's there?" when his light hits on a parrot who says, "Be careful! Jesus is watching!" "Who are you?" demands the burglar. "I'm Naploean." answered the parrot. "What fool would name his parrot Napolean?" asked the burglar. "The same fool that named his Rottweiler Jesus!" replied the parrot.

2006-09-15 13:03:07 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

a father and son driving to town.the car crashes the ambulance is called and the father is pronunced dead at the scene . the son is rushed to hospital, put on the operating tabel .the docter comes in and says i cant operate on this boy and the nurse asks why the doctor says cause he's my son ?

2006-09-15 13:01:33 · 17 answers · asked by jonny d 2

a tripp with no fall from a five sided space. or a small golden ball, from a magical place... what am I?

2006-09-15 12:55:14 · 7 answers · asked by christina c 1

I think who ever scarmbled this words had too much time on their hands, but it is funny!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

2006-09-15 12:47:22 · 9 answers · asked by Lindsey H 4

2006-09-15 12:43:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-15 12:34:22 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Points go to the person who tells the joke, no knock knock jokes okay? I HATE nock nock jokes.


DONT FORGET go and look at my other questions and ACTUALLY ANSWER THEM dont just tell me stupid things that I obvioulsly allready know and dont care about at all, and waste your time.

2006-09-15 12:08:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous