Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

It's simple you see.....You ram a brick up a dog's ***!!!

2006-09-15 09:15:55 · 4 answers · asked by dockyangel3 1

2006-09-15 09:08:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am a thing you all must buy
i cant see but i have eyes
my tongue is silent, i shall never talk
used on sand to the nearest rock
what i lack in heart i make up in soul
think real hard, do you know my role?

2006-09-15 09:03:34 · 11 answers · asked by glacier 4

a lawyer opened the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. when the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW
"officer, look at what they’ve done to my Beee-mer," he whined
"you lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "you’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident!" he chided
"oh my GOD, I’m going to faint!" replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his left arm once was, "where in the hell is my Rolex?"

2006-09-15 09:03:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My hostess thinks I'm an irritation, a bother, a pain.
But she can't evict me, so I stay, remain.
Then one day I'm taken and ranked among my peers.

10 points to the first correct answer.

2006-09-15 09:00:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-15 08:48:35 · 14 answers · asked by Jason A 2

A man lives on the 17th floor of a building. Every day he takes the elevator to the lobby and heads to work. When he comes home he takes the elevator to the 15th floor and takes the stairs to the 17th floor. Why does he do this?

2006-09-15 08:45:39 · 11 answers · asked by glacier 4

i've been looking throught the questions but they are all adult.

2006-09-15 08:33:15 · 36 answers · asked by flibertyjib 3

2006-09-15 08:31:45 · 34 answers · asked by playful 3

You know those annoying you have to send to 5 people in 5 min chain letters, some of them require people to send them back to the person that sent it to them. Once someone sends one back do you have to send it again?

2006-09-15 08:28:08 · 18 answers · asked by cutelil_bubble21 2

As of next week Viagra will only be avaliable through the chemists by its chemical name.

So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN, Thank you
****************
It's a couples Anniversary and the woman decides to do something nice for her husband so she goes to a tattoo parlour and says "can I have the initials of my husband tattooed onto my as-s please? I would like 'b' on one cheek and 'b' on another cheek."
After the tattoo is finished she goes home pulls her trousers down and bends over in-front of her husband and her husband says "Who's Bob?!."
**********
Two sperm cells are swimming along. One pulls out a map and says to the other: "How far until we get to the fallopian tube?"
and the other replies: "It's miles yet, we've only just past the tonsils."

2006-09-15 08:25:31 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

(setting: the beginning of "Napoleon Dynamite" movie)
Kid "What are you going to do today, Napoleon?"
Napoleon "I'm going to try to destroy this bus, what do you think?!"
Napoleon looks to see if the bus driver is looking at him and then he places a bomb under the seat in front of him and sets it for "10 minutes"
Napoleon says to the bus driver "I need to take a tinkle!"
The bus stops and Napoleon runs out of the bus.
After the bus leaves, Napoleon heres an explosion.
And realizes that it wasn't the seat he put the bomb on, it was his BACKPACK!

2006-09-15 08:24:40 · 4 answers · asked by Danny 2

2006-09-15 08:20:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

cdedbd ducks mr ducks yes mr mr not mr too
cdedbd wings oic mr ducks.
first to translate gets ten points!

2006-09-15 08:18:32 · 7 answers · asked by nakita 6

These guys are hilarious. I can't get enough of them. Vote for the funniest clip!

View these hilarious clips on my other post---> http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Amg0PcniiZJUxJ_LDg8KEunsy6IX?qid=20060915083924AAUP4HY

(All negative responses will be ignored and will put your rating low. These dudes worked hard to make people LAUGH around the world, so let's show some respect. If you've already seen my post in different categories and have already responded to my post, you don't need to vote again, unless you want to. Thank you.)

2006-09-15 08:09:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and shits in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

2006-09-15 08:08:45 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

2006-09-15 08:04:38 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

Henry's mother has four children, Summer, Sping and Fall. What's the fourth child's name?

2006-09-15 08:04:27 · 15 answers · asked by Martha G 2

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the
man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks. ...............

She answers: "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie

2006-09-15 08:04:05 · 6 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

2006-09-15 08:00:51 · 6 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6

You have a barrel, nothing is in it. What is ONE thing you can put in it to make it lighter?

2006-09-15 08:00:03 · 12 answers · asked by Martha G 2

A company was looking to hire someone for an
important position, so they interviewed dozens of
applicants and narrowed their search down to three
people from different parts of Canada . In an
attempt to pick one of them, they decided to
give them all the same question to answer within 24
hours, and the one with the best answer would get
the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed,
nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back
facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman s back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in
to give their answers. The first from Vancouver , says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is; that
there is no way to determine the answer with the
information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not
exactly sure, but I have it narrowed
down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

2006-09-15 07:59:46 · 6 answers · asked by babyblue 2

2006-09-15 07:56:56 · 13 answers · asked by michael o 5

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

2006-09-15 07:56:18 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

Fat and skinny went to bed, fat threw a fart and skinny dropped dead, Fat call the doctor and the doctor said no more fatties farting in the bed. Corny but I like to see answers>

2006-09-15 07:48:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, you're on an abandoned trail. You are trying to get to the carnival. You know this is the right road, but when you come to a Y in the road, you're not sure which one to take. There is one man standing at the beginning of each road. One of them ALWAYS tell the truth and the other ALWAYS lies. What is the ONE question that you can ask them both to know which way to go?

Remember, the question has to be the exact same to both men. Think about what the men would answer to your question. Make sure you check back in a few hours for the answer!

2006-09-15 07:47:43 · 24 answers · asked by Sera B 3

Make sure you do the demo!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and pun I sh-ment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarl y victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

2006-09-15 07:36:56 · 13 answers · asked by babyblue 2

My life is measured in hours, I serve by being devoured, Thin I am fast, Fat I am slow, Breath is my death, Wind is my foe. What am I?

2006-09-15 07:33:06 · 11 answers · asked by Emma 2

You have three light switches. Only ONE of the switches turns on the light in the room across the house and the other two aren't hooked up to anything. You only get one trip to the room across the house. How do you figure it out?

~ We'll see if anyone gets it, if not then I'll add some more hints ~

2006-09-15 07:28:18 · 37 answers · asked by Sera B 3

Chicken Breast, Leg, Nugget?

2006-09-15 07:26:02 · 8 answers · asked by Racewalking Invicta Swami 4