Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A butcher is 5 ft tall. He weighs twice as much as his car and that is 6ft tall. His son is half his weight and is 4ft tall. What does he weigh?

2006-09-15 04:36:18 · 19 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

I can't get enough of these guys. We were all ROFLMAO at work!
These guys are so hilarious!

LOL clip #1 ------> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFsQfR809TU&mode=related&search=

LOL clip #2
--->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cL1oPdTpAc&mode=related&search=

LOL clip #3---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9pL6RHZ26w&mode=related&search=

LOL clip #4----> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHejhi4PbWY&mode=related&search=

*Vote for the FUNNIESt clip! (All negative responses will be ignored and put your rating low. These guys worked so hard to make people around the world laugh so it's best to show some respect. Thank you)

2006-09-15 04:31:21 · 4 answers · asked by choosinghappiness 5

Here's mine:

Father Francis cam from a small town and was new to the big city. One day, he was beginning to get tired while sitting at his desk, so he decided to take a walk. He found himself downtown watching how people live in the big city. He say a woman with a very shor skirt and barely a shirt. He went up to here and asked, "Why are you dressed this way?"

The woman looked at him and said, "You want a quicky? Five bucks."

Father Fransic had no idea what she was talking about, but he was sure that he didn't want what ever a "quicky" was. He returned back to his work and as he was walking back to his office, he saw Sister Mary Katherine. "Sister Mary Katherine, what is a quicky?" By the surprised look on her face, he could tell it was something that normally wasn't spoken of in a church, so he urged, "No, please. Between me and you. Please tell me?"

Sister Mary Katherine looked at him, took a deap breath and said, "Five bucks, same as downtown."

2006-09-15 04:29:46 · 11 answers · asked by Sera B 3

The one who makes it sells it.
The one who buys it doesn't use it.
The one who's using it doesn't know he's using it.
What is it?

2006-09-15 04:24:16 · 14 answers · asked by horrorfan 3

2006-09-15 04:21:44 · 16 answers · asked by mr_dellacosta 1

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bit-ch to iron."

2006-09-15 04:20:14 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

Why didn't the monkeys want to play poker in the jungle?

2006-09-15 04:19:31 · 12 answers · asked by â?¥CURiOUSâ?¥ 2

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

2006-09-15 04:08:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Max looked up at the steep, icy mountainside. " I can't do it," he said. His companions begged him to climb the mountain with them. But he refused to move, "I'm against mountain climbing," he said. Now they call him " Anti-climb Max."

2006-09-15 03:54:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

am gonna be 19 in two weeks and thats what i wanna do b4 my birthday

2006-09-15 03:52:20 · 12 answers · asked by botho m 1

A little boy one night walks in on his mom and dad having sex. Bewildered he asks, “What are ya”ll doing?”
The father says, “Well son, we’re making that little brother that you’ve been asking for. Now go on back to bed.”
The little boy goes back to bed overjoyed that he’s going to have a little brother.
The next evening the dad comes home from work to find the boy sitting on the porch just sobbing.
The dad asks, “Son, what’s wrong?”
The boy says, “You know that little brother you and mommy were making last night?”
The dad a little puzzled says, “Yeeesss.”
The little boy crying even harder says, “Well I went into the living room today and caught the Mail Man holding mommy down on the couch eating him up!”

2006-09-15 03:51:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bit*h is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bi*ch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

2006-09-15 03:45:09 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)

2006-09-15 03:36:52 · 15 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

I'm think there maybe some viable way of producing prosthetic limbs from sausage meet. Benefits being:

* Realistic skin tone
* Realistic texture
* Potential tanning potential in sun (need to trial)
* Can bend and shape as is required

Potential downside:

* Would need to refrigerate over night
* Life cycle would be short and would probably smell towards end or useful period
* Could cause unwanted attention from dogs and the like
* Performs no useful purpose other than to look like an arm. Do to lack of a bone framework it could not be used to manipulate a switch for instance, or ones privates. (bone framework could be considered for version 2)

Read about my nervous breakdown...
http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-15 03:34:44 · 5 answers · asked by head_achey 1

2006-09-15 03:28:26 · 12 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

2006-09-15 03:27:38 · 16 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

A fairy appears to a couple in their sixties and grants them one wish each...The lady wishes that she could go on a luxury cruise with her husband and,the fairy waves her wand and immediately,2 tickets for a luxury cruise appear!!The lady crys with joy!!

The fairy then asks the man what his one wish would be.He turns to his wife and says,"sorry dear but, I wish my wife was 40 years younger"......So,The fairy waves her wand and.......................the man turns into a 95 year old!!!...............

The moral of the story is, never forget,all fairies are female!!!!!!!

2006-09-15 03:19:37 · 20 answers · asked by Happy. 3

and dont let ur boss catch u, he'll wonder what ur doin..

Beyond straaaannnge.........
>
> This is crazy, but it's true. How Smart is Your Right Foot?
>
> This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
> trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot,
> but you can't.
>
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and
> make clockwise circles.
>
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
> right hand. Your foot will change direction.
>
> I told you so ...... And there's nothing you can do about it!

2006-09-15 03:15:31 · 43 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

Three sisters at breakfast were feeding the cat,
The first gave it sole--Puss was grateful for that:
The next gave it salmon--which Puss thought a treat:
The third gave it herring--which Puss wouldn't eat.
(Explain the conduct of the cat.)

a classic carroll puzzle to round the week off!

10 points first correct answer.

2006-09-15 03:11:46 · 8 answers · asked by sly` 3

2006-09-15 03:07:13 · 4 answers · asked by Confused?! 4

At the National Art Gallery in New York husband and wife were staring at
> > a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three
> > black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
> > black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.
> >
> > The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
> > interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
> > over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
> > African Americans in the predominately white, patriarchal society.
> >
> > "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
> > willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression by gay men
> > in contemporary society."
> >
> > After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said,
> > "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
> >
> > "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
> > gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he
> > replied.
> >
> > "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
> > three Welsh coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

2006-09-15 03:06:17 · 13 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

and he says to the barman "Quick, gimme a large scotch" he takes the drink and downs it in one "Quick, gimme another one" he drinks this in one go too "What's wrong?" says the barman "I just had my first BJ" "Oh, you're celebrating then" "No" says the guy "I'm trying to get rid of the taste"

2006-09-15 03:02:16 · 16 answers · asked by Confused . com 2

A little boy and his Dad were walking down the street when they saw 2 dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, "Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

2006-09-15 03:00:14 · 36 answers · asked by KIM A 3

and he says to the barman "Gimme a large Vodka and a bag of crisps" The barman gets his order and says to the horse "Hey we have a whiskey behind the bar named after you" and the horse says "What Barry ?"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, sorry I had to laugh 'cos I heard this one before.

2006-09-15 02:56:23 · 9 answers · asked by Confused . com 2

MCE
MCE
MCE

MAUD

More on www.officeday.co.uk/blog.html and to enter the competition.

2006-09-15 02:54:08 · 2 answers · asked by yau 2

Everyone was drinking & dancing,having a good time.

...all except for the millionare. Money was not buying him the happiness he expected.

Out of frustration ,he grabs the
microphone.

"The first one to swim to shore gets anything they want!"

"You name it you got it!"

He was really looking forward to who was gonna jump in as he knew that the area was populated with great white sharks.

A moment of silence.. The everybody went back to the drinking & dancing.

The guy sighed

....then suddenly a man jumps into the freezing water and races to shor with unbelievable speed.

The millionaire is impressed & gets to shore on his speed boat.

The man,dripping wet, is on all fours, panting like an old dog.

The millionaire offers the guy 50 million.

The guy shakes his head

The millionaire offers the guy 100 million

Guy shakes his head

"Then what do you want?" asks the millionaire

The man replied

"I want that f#ker who pushed me into the damn water!!

2006-09-15 02:48:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house.

2006-09-15 02:43:40 · 13 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

Thought you might like this little story ......
> > > >
> > > > While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
> > > > across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
> > > > elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He
> > > > gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephants' foot
> > > > only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.
> > > >
> > > > Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the
> > > > elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the
> > > > man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a
> > > > good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else
> > > > but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.
> > > >
> > > > For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of
> > > > that day ..
> > > >
> > > > One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
> > > > approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and
> > > > walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him
> and
> > > > the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man
> > > > climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the
> > > > enclosure.
> > > >
> > > > He walks right up to the elephant and stares in wonder. The elephant
> > > > gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.
> > > >
> > > > Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs
> > > > and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly
> > > > killing him..................
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Probably not the same elephant then.

2006-09-15 02:42:15 · 41 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,and at a point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.



The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him 2 enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was keying in.+PENIS+



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

"PASSWORD NOT LONG ENOUGH"

2006-09-15 02:38:40 · 10 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

In Marble walls as white as milk
Lined with skin as soft as silk
Within a fountin crystal clear
A golden apple doth appear
No doors there are to this strong hold
Yet theives break in and steal the gold...

What am I?

2006-09-15 02:36:08 · 8 answers · asked by KIM A 3