Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Mine is..
A banana and a vibrator sitting on the bedside table.
The banana says to the vibrator..
"I don't know why YOU are shaking.... she's going to EAT me!"

2006-09-14 22:23:59 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is the joke i do not understand...

What is the usual composition of a typical Dogon family?
Mother, father, two children and a French Anthropologist!

perhaps i am not laughing because i am unsure of the meaning of the word "Dogon"
& also the precise meaning of the word "anthrapologist"

.. thank you much.. David

2006-09-14 21:06:50 · 8 answers · asked by David L 1

fill the blank. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

_______ moon

2006-09-14 20:50:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill the blank. If a person has 2 or more guesses, then i will only take their first guess.

_______ star

2006-09-14 20:48:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

2006-09-14 20:42:54 · 11 answers · asked by guys kicker 1

A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise the man is drunk.

"Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs and help him."

So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,"Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies," Over here on your swing"

2006-09-14 20:25:19 · 11 answers · asked by guys kicker 1

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go
and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51
days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,
orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing.
Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a
cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle
of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he
walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster
puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What
on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone
thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On
the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it
in only 51 days!!!

2006-09-14 20:20:40 · 25 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

2006-09-14 20:11:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This man walks into a bar that is on top of a very tall building, he orders one large drink. Downs it in one, goes over to a window and jumps out.

10 minuets later the same man walks back in. Orders one large drink, downs it in one, goes over to the window and jumps out.

Another ten minuets later he walks in again. Orders one large drink, but before he drinks it a man who has been watching all of this stops him and asks "excuse me, but how are you doing this? How can you be fine after jumping out that window?"

The man replys "well, when you down this drink in one, it gives you a warm sensation inside and everyone knows that hot air rises. So when you jump out the window all the warm air rushes to the top of your body and gently floats you too the ground."

"I've gotta try this!" the other man says. So he orders one large drink, downs it in one, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the pavement below.

The barman looks over at the bloke who's still sitting at the bar and says "You're a tosser when drunk Superman."

2006-09-14 20:09:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

2006-09-14 20:08:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he drinks it, he tells the bartender that it is his birthday, he is now 40 today and has never been to a bar before.

The bartender is surprised but listens. The man orders another pint and one for the barman, telling the barman that it was such nice beer he would like "one for the road". On downing his second pint, he walks to the center of the room, whips out his willy and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. The barman, very angry, throws him out.

The next evening the man walks into the bar again. The barman stops him saying, "I'm not serving you - you have two pints and then you go MAD!"

"I know how you must feel," says the man, "but I have come to apologise. This has never happened to me before and I am deeply embarassed. It has taken a lot of courage to overcome my embarassment and return here to apologise."

The barman decides to let him off and to buy a drink for everyone in the bar saying sorry. He has one himself. When the man has finished the drink, he offers to buy a drink for the barman, who accepts. On finishing his second drink, once again the man walks to the center of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his willy, and spins around peeing over everyone. The barman throws him out.

The man walks into the bar on the third evening. The barman is quite angry and tells him that he will not be served no matter what he says.

"I understand," our hero says. "I am very deeply embarassed that there has been a repetion of my gross behaviour. It has taken a lot of courage to deal with my embarassment and to come here to apologise. I have been so embarassed that I have sought professional help. I have been to see a doctor, who has treated me and now assured me that I am cured!"

Seeing that he is cured, the barman decides to allow the man to stay. He buys a drink for the dwindling clientele and one for himself. As he chats to the barman about his embarassment, the barman takes pitty on this lonley man and allows him another drink. He downs his second pint, walks to the center of the room, jumps onto a table, whips out his willy and spins in a circle peeing over everyone.

The barman calls out, "I thought you were cured!"

"I am!" replies the man, "I am no longer embarassed!"

2006-09-14 20:07:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 pints.

2006-09-14 20:06:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in a bar, and man runs in out of breath, face red, sweating like a pig. The bartender says," What on earth is happening out there" And the man replys," No time to explain...give me 15 shots of your best and most expensive liqour....HURRY"

So the bartender lays out 15 shot glasses and begins pouring. As he finishes pouring a shot, the man drinks it without hesitation or a pause to breath until he gets all 15 shots.

When the man was done the bartendor said," Why on earth did yah do that"

The man replys" Well, I couldn't do that with the 15 cents I have"

2006-09-14 20:04:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A village blacksmith working at his open forge, hammering a white hot horseshoe, had just finished the shoe and thrown it to the ground to cool.
The local wise-guy walked in at that moment. He picked up the horseshoe, but dropped it with a howl of pain.
"Pretty hot, eh?" asked the blacksmith.
"Naw," said the wise-guy. "It just don't take me long to look over a horseshoe."

2006-09-14 19:54:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage Jokes!
>> >>Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
>>The breakfast table.
>>
>>Husband gets up in a rage and
>>Says, " And you are no good in bed either,"
>>And storms out of the house.
>> >>After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides
>>To make amends and rings her up. She comes to the
>>Phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
>>Says, "what took you so long to answer the phone ?"
>> >>She says, " I was in bed."
>> >>" In bed this early, doing what?"
>> >>" Getting a second opinion!"

Now u may post urs...

2006-09-14 19:52:02 · 10 answers · asked by msleprikon 2

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What is a snake's most favored class in school?
A: Hiiissstory!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why was the lemon afraid to try bungee jumping, after the orange finished his turn?

Good luck! :)

2006-09-14 19:27:19 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

All evening long, four card players had been pestered by a kibitzer. When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him. " Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."
The kibitzer returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself. " I have a mingle," he said. " I'll bet a dollar."
"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded without betting.
The fourth, after due deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. "I'll raise you two dollars."
The kibitzer shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said.
"You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

2006-09-14 19:25:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
C'mon, tell me, she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," "if I tell you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - then there's you - 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.."

2006-09-14 19:21:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's a hint: it's not any type of fish!

First one with the right answer gets the points!

2006-09-14 19:12:43 · 8 answers · asked by CluelessOne 5

A girl is walking along a beach and finds a genie in a bottle.

The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but every lawyer will get two of whatever you wish for."

The girl says, "I wish for one million dollars."

"Okay, but every lawyer will get two million dollars," Said the genie, and he grants her wish.

The girl thinks for a while and says, "I wish for a fifty room mansion."

"Okay," Says the genie, "But every lawyer gets two fifty room mansions."

The girl thinks long and hard and finally says, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"

2006-09-14 19:08:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.


"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad!" Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

2006-09-14 19:04:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: He didn't care HOW the people got out of New Orleans

2006-09-14 18:52:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Snigglets are words that should be in the dictionary, but aren't
mine is REFLAVORABLE
an example would be like say you have a peice of gum and you've been chewing it for a long time and its lost its flavor, if you chew the gum with a peice of ice in your mouth its flavor comes back..........so that makes it reflavorable

2006-09-14 18:38:29 · 5 answers · asked by BrittyGirl 2

A Newfoundlander went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?" The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me -- you're the expert!"

2006-09-14 18:29:12 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

A tyrant king rules his people by fear . Fearing an uprising the chief minister tells the king he must do something to placate the people. The king summons the people to the main square and has with him young Will who was sentenced to death by the king for stealing a fish from the royal lake to feed his starving family. 'To show you I'm a just king I have decided to give Will a chance to walk free even though he stole from me. In my hand I have a green olive and a black olive, I'll place them in a bag and if Will picks out the green olive he walks free. If he picks out the black olive he will be shot'. But unknown to the crowd the sly king puts two black olives in the bag. Will sees what the king has done and is resigned to being shot, then he does something and walks free..........What does he do??

2006-09-14 18:00:44 · 17 answers · asked by kev3753 1

did u realize that reading this just wasted about 5 seconds of ur time?


hee hee gotcha. im reli bored...anyone got some jokes to help me get...unbored....lol

2006-09-14 17:59:12 · 5 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

Three ministers were at a function: a Pentecostal, an Anglican and a Methodist.


Drinks were served and there was a choice between wine or grape juice. The Anglican and the Methodist both took a glasses of wine, but the

Pentecostal said, "I'd rather commit adultery than pollute myself with alcohol!"

The Methodist quickly placed his wine back on the tray. "I didn't realise there was a third choice," he said.

2006-09-14 17:54:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Beans are a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants which places them in the vegetable category, too. Thus we can only conclude that chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you like.

2006-09-14 17:51:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Name the 12 Ancient Civilisations ...................

2006-09-14 17:47:40 · 10 answers · asked by nice_libra_guy 6

2006-09-14 17:47:37 · 6 answers · asked by KarY 1