Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-14 11:29:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-14 10:58:11 · 12 answers · asked by sexy_satin_ni5ghts 1

Voting for Bush is like running in the Special Olympics - Even if you win, you're still retarded

2006-09-14 10:56:59 · 12 answers · asked by ohdarliingletgo 2

Quick riddle:

If there is a eight-ft-long plank of wood, and each day you cut off one foot, how many days would it take for the whole plank to be cut into one-foot planks?

First one to answer right, gets 10 points!!! Everyone else, enjoy the two!!!

2006-09-14 10:53:59 · 19 answers · asked by AmandaGurl<3 5

How Long is a Chinese - what are you?

2006-09-14 10:43:26 · 8 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

my grandfather died at one.
He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower

2006-09-14 10:40:17 · 5 answers · asked by glacier 4

join the army, meet interesting people, kill them

2006-09-14 10:37:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A garbage bag outside the cancer clinic

2006-09-14 10:36:17 · 12 answers · asked by glacier 4

because they deserve it

2006-09-14 10:34:12 · 18 answers · asked by glacier 4

its easy to distinguish the mafia from the musicians. the musicians are the ones without the violin cases

2006-09-14 10:23:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

FUNNY ISN'T IT?


Dear All, This is not funny but rather serious - give it consideration and make a decision?
Funny how a $10.00 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent playing golf, fishing or playing bridge.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church, but how short they are when watching a movie. Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 200-300 pages of a best selling novel. Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how people scramble to get a front seat at any game, but scramble to get a back seat at church service. Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our schedule with yearly planner but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust it for a social event at the last minute.
Funny how much difficulty some have learning a simple gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and explain gossip about someone.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, and don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny, isn't it? Funny how we are so quick to take direction from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction to be found.
Funny how people are so consumed with what others think about them rather than what God thinks about them.
Funny how so many churchgoers sing "Standing on the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how people think that they can get more accomplished in a lifetime without God than in an hour with him.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don't have to believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything. "TO STAND UP TO ANY CHALLENGE, SPEND TIME ON YOUR KNEES"
Author unknown

2006-09-14 10:19:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

because its swollen

2006-09-14 10:14:42 · 20 answers · asked by glacier 4

about five pounds, including the urn

2006-09-14 10:13:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

2006-09-14 10:09:07 · 27 answers · asked by L!LO 4

what cme first... the chicken or the egg...and why?????!!!!

2006-09-14 10:07:04 · 8 answers · asked by lilbex87 2

an Italian mother and a Jamaican father? Pastafarians

a mother from cuba and a father from Iceland? Ice cubes

a father from Holland and a mother from
the Phillipine islands? Hollapinos

a father from India and a mother from Israel? Hinjews

a French mother and a Greek father? Freeks

2006-09-14 10:04:17 · 10 answers · asked by ponyboy 81 5

judge: 'did you stab the victim to death?'

defendant: 'no I didn’t.'

judge: 'do you realize what the penalties are for perjury?'

defendant: 'yes, and there a damn lot better than the penalty for murder.'

2006-09-14 10:02:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

the Italian crookster was returning to Rome. he had arranged two appointments; the first with the pope, the second with the mafia boss
'who should I see first?' he asked his advisor
'the pope,' was the response. ‘you’ve only got to kiss his hand’

2006-09-14 09:47:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?

2006-09-14 09:35:21 · 20 answers · asked by ReD SoX #1 3

There was this old married couple one night sitting in their living room; he in his chair, she on the couch.
She looked over at him and said, “You know… when we were younger … you would sit beside me.”
So he got up and sat down beside her.
After a couple of minutes she said, “You know…when we were younger…you would hold my hand.”
So he took her hand into his.
After a few minutes she said, “You know… when we were younger… you would nibble my ear.”
The old guy got up and started walking out of the room.
Disappointed the old woman asked, “Where are you going?”
The old guy replied, “To get my teeth.”

2006-09-14 09:29:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new nurse in training was following the Head Nurse around in an old folks home while she gave out medication.
The young nurse noticed that all the women would get a sleeping pill, while all the men got a sleeping pill and a Viagra.
At the end of the rounds the young nurse asked why all the men got the Viagra.
The Head Nurse said, “Oh, that’s to keep them from rolling out of bed while they sleep.”

2006-09-14 09:19:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's not incompatible with their jobs- they'd be back at work within no time.

2006-09-14 09:12:23 · 10 answers · asked by _Picnic 3

2006-09-14 09:05:27 · 10 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

first everything got to be the correct dimension and material or it won't work, if you haven't got some of this stuff, you need to go out and buy them.
take an object, 7-8 ounces ie. a glass or a mug will do just fine. place the object on your dining table. pull out a oak chair 2feet in height. switch on the dining room light. the light has to be a 120 watt flourescent light. turn off all the other light in the house or it will cause a distraction and the trick wouldn't work. if u need to go to the toilet please do it before u start cause u can't stop the trick half way. drink three glasses of flesh milk. set your alarm clock to ring three hours later. now that everything is ready, you can begin the trick
take out the oak chair and sit on it. clear out all the distraction from your mind and concentrate. stare at that object you have placed on the dining table. the alarm will tell you when to stop.
do you get the same result i did. that bloody object is still there.

2006-09-14 09:01:37 · 7 answers · asked by AlfRed E nEuMaN 4 preSIDent 4

Three old guys were in an old folks home sitting at a table playing cards. The first one said, “I hate gettin’ old. I can’t seem to take a crap anymore. I ain’t had one in three days!”
The next one said, “Yeah! I know what you mean. It’s been for ever since I’ve had a good pee. When ever I go it’s just a trickle, trickle, trickle.”
The first one said to the third one, “What about you Ed, you got any problems like that?”
Ed said, “Well, usually between 6:00 and 7:00 in the mornin’ I take a huge dump and pee what seems like a bucket full. The only problem is… I don’t wake up until 8:00.

2006-09-14 09:00:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

THIS IS NOT A DIRTY, ADULT CONTENT JOKE!!!!

ANSWER TOMORROW 9/15

2006-09-14 08:59:49 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

because were all cool like thatt =D

2006-09-14 08:50:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

there once was a ................

2006-09-14 08:47:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

It has something to do with don't apply for a job if you have to buy a new wardrobe?

2006-09-14 08:39:50 · 3 answers · asked by jollyconsumer 1

yeah, so youll get 10 points if you make me laugh for a really long time which should be easy since it dosent take that much to amuse me

ive always wanted to go into a busy city and attach a dollar bill on the end of a fishing line and make people fun after it. seems fun, but then again, thats just my opinion

2006-09-14 08:39:16 · 16 answers · asked by Michelle 4