Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-13 21:28:59 · 27 answers · asked by KAMALESH K 1

What are the three fastest ways of
communication?

Three fastest means of communication in the world.
Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
(Tell her not to tell anyone)

2006-09-13 21:18:05 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

. Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some
sleeping pills.
Wife:
When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

2006-09-13 21:16:36 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

2006-09-13 21:14:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhVJk9PR3_xaDosSxW0Du0Hsy6IX?qid=20060914004637AAt4JWF

2006-09-13 21:05:34 · 10 answers · asked by Spinning Times LLC 3

When a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this?

2006-09-13 20:49:08 · 19 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

There is a postman and three house NO16 NO17 and NO18 the postman have a letter for this three house, he go to NO16 and give the letter then he go to NO18 and give the letter then he go to another place but why the postman didn’t go to NO 17 house. He knows there is a letter for the house and he pretend he forget about the house.

2006-09-13 20:43:20 · 15 answers · asked by aaa 1

THEY BOTH GET LAID BY MEXICANS! HAHA

2006-09-13 20:40:25 · 16 answers · asked by valcor 1

And be decent! ;)

2006-09-13 20:36:05 · 9 answers · asked by sergeytsp 1

The Perfect Husband
Several men r in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phne on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- funcn and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes
WOMAN: I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $65,000.
MAN: OK, but 4 dat price I wnt it with all the options
WOMAN: Great! Oh, n 1 more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They'r askin $950,000.
MAN Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000
WOMAN: OK. I'll c you later! I luv u! MAN: Bye, I luv u, too
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him.. Then he smiles and asks: ane 1 knws whos phon is this?

2006-09-13 20:30:55 · 18 answers · asked by Fraueline 2

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese”. “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”

2006-09-13 20:08:39 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-13 19:57:15 · 4 answers · asked by aaa 1

Jenny awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.
"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"
"Yes, I do remember," she replied.
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

2006-09-13 19:53:05 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied, "Big ones!"

2006-09-13 18:43:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A skunk and a duck were in the forest. The duck was upset. The skunk asked the duck what was wrong.
"I don't know what I am" said the duck.
"what do you mean" said the skunk.
"I don't know what I am"
"well let's see," said the skunk.
"You have a bill. You have feathers. You have webbed feet. You must be a DUCK"
"Yeah!" said the duck. "That's it! I'm a duck! I always wanted to be a duck!"
So they went along further in the forest. Then the skunk stopped.
"What's wrong?" asked the duck.
The skunk said, "Come to think of it, I don't know what I am either."
"well, let's see" said the duck.
"You're black. AND you're white. And you stink. That means you must be a Puerto Rican."

2006-09-13 18:35:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

2006-09-13 17:56:33 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-13 17:52:02 · 21 answers · asked by bartender101dd 2

2006-09-13 17:42:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the massacre at little big horn, Gen. Custers father wanted something to memorialize him. so he decided to have a portrait painted of his brave son.
He spent months looking for just the right artist to capture his son's last thoughts. after a few months he returned to artists home
and was happy to find the artist was satisfied that he had caputured the moment, the artist led the father into another room.. There on the wall was a huge mural, it showed a beautiful valley surrounded by hills,, the sun shown brightly down into the valley, and standing on the hills were cows, and all of the cows had halo's above their heads, and on ther valley floor there hundreds of Indians that looked like they were having sex, the father said "What is this about"?.. and the artist said: I figured when he came over the hill . he said "Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians. "

2006-09-13 17:40:58 · 9 answers · asked by mark m 2

tom the fire fighter went home one day and told his wife, you know honey we have a good system at the station the first bell rings we put our suits on , the second bell rings we slide down the pole and the 3 bell rings we go. we are going to run our house this way. so he comes home from work and yells "bell 1" she took her clothes off. bell 2 she jumps in bed, bell 3 they start going at..after awhile she yells "bell 4 bell 4", he said bell 4, what is bell 4? more hose she said your no where near the fire"!!!!!

2006-09-13 17:24:37 · 15 answers · asked by princesswhitepaw 3

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

2006-09-13 16:50:38 · 25 answers · asked by pink_latina 3

Why do the stink bombs I purchased only give off a slight sulfer smell instead of the gym clearing type of strong odor? Where do I purchace those really smelly (gym clearing) stink bombs? What site? What brand?

2006-09-13 16:47:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was trying to find a cute little gift idea for a mentee. I wanted to give a gift bag with items such as a rubber band, gum, penny, etc. and each item has a meaning. I am not sure what the name of these bags are but if anyone could help me find a unique one that would be awesome.

2006-09-13 16:40:41 · 3 answers · asked by from_me_to_you 3

how many books could a wood duck chuck if a wood duck could chuck books?

10 points for the best original toungue twister

2006-09-13 16:25:07 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can use the word in whatever form ie flash a smile, flash light, etc, make it as funny as possible... not gross though.

2006-09-13 16:22:16 · 8 answers · asked by Hermione Granger 1

Erica was reading a book outside on a bench and she needed to get lunch, so she took out the right amount of money she needed to pay(she already knew how much it costs)and left the book and put the rest of the money in her book. She came back and saw it was missing. Jerrica ran to the police station and told born the detective what happened. "what pages was the money in?" asked born. "It was in page 23 and 24" replied Jerrica. "you lie yelled born.

How did born know?

2006-09-13 16:17:03 · 14 answers · asked by dragon 4

2006-09-13 16:17:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let me know what you think, Enjoy
> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-13 16:16:53 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

just 3 more riddles, these are the hardest yet! If you can even answer one, thats better then me

1.While on my way to St. Ives

I saw a man with 7 wives

Each wife had 7 sacks

Each sack had 7 cats

Each cat had 7 kittens

Kitten, cats, sacks, wives

How many were going to St. Ives?

2. Apple Mystery

A mom has three children and seven apples. She wants to devide all the apples among her 3 children so no apples are left over. But she knows that her kids are very messy so she decides to give one piece or chunk of apple to each child. With using all seven apples she ends up being able to use all of them and gives each child one piece with none being left over.

How was she able to do this?

3.A man with no eyes saw plums on a tree,

He took no plums, and left no plums.

How could this be?

2006-09-13 15:52:02 · 13 answers · asked by dragon 4

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
The receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen
minutes later, a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles" So she gave
Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Finally the doctor arrived and did a quick glance at Buford's naked body. He said, "where do you have the shingles?"
Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?

2006-09-13 15:49:56 · 14 answers · asked by GIGGLES 2