Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

the FBI was hiring new recruits. three men were called in for an interview. the interviewer, a thick set, nasty looking man, told the first of interviewees, 'one of the selection criteria for this position is undying loyalty to this organization. we expect you to do everything you are told, no questions asked. we want you to take this gun, go into the other room and shoot your wife.'
the first interviewee refused. 'sorry, its against my principles to do that.' he was promptly asked to leave and never again apply for a position there. the second applicant was then called in and given the same instruction. 'i cant do that,' he protested. 'its our tenth anniversary tomorrow.' the interviewer thanked him for his time, but told him to leave and never again apply for a position there. the last interviewee was then shown in, and given the same instruction. 'okay, no problem, I’ll go do it now.' and he went into the other room where his wife was waiting. shots were fired.
then all sorts of noises were heard…grunting and groaning, a shriek here and there, a thud or two. Finally the third applicant returned and was asked what had happened. He replied, ‘some moron put blanks in the gun. So I had to strangle her.’

2006-09-13 15:43:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is pot O O O O O O O O, if GSGE equals scrambled eggs and poFISHnd equals Big fish in little pond. how about Y Y guy guy and gone let gone (on top of) gone be gone and knee (on top of light light)?

knee
light light

and

gone let gone
gone be gone

2006-09-13 15:40:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man dies and leaves one million pounds to be divided equally between his children. How much did each child get?

Honestly, there IS an answer to this question. It's not a trick question, and the answer is an amount (of pounds). Read it carefully, and you'll get it.

2006-09-13 15:33:32 · 56 answers · asked by miles_muso 2

Really if you can even just answer one of them that would be great

1. The maker doesnt want it, the buyer doesnt use it and the person that uses it doesn't see it.

What is it?

2. how do you get ten horses into 9 stalls?

(And only one horse can fit in each stall, and none of them are pregnant and one didn't get eaten.)

So how do you do it?

3.Two highway patrolmen were staked out behind a billboard to wait for speeders. To cover all six lanes, one of them looked up the freeway while the other looked down it. "Sam," said one without turning his head, "what are you smiling about?"

Explain how he could tell that Sam was smiling.

4.What stays in bed most of the day and sometimes go to the bank?

What is it?

5. Why has no one ever spotted a leopard in Africa?

Why?

2006-09-13 15:32:18 · 26 answers · asked by dragon 4

1. google the term "christmas"
what is the address for the third link?
2. google the term "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"
what is the first 2 words of the first link?
3.google "oink oink"
what is the name of the fourth link?

2006-09-13 15:25:56 · 8 answers · asked by ☆Star☆ 2

the three bears returned home from an early morning walk to find the door of their house wide open. cautiously they went inside.
'someone’s been eating my porridge,' papa bear said. 'and someone’s been eating my porridge,' mama bear said. baby rushed in. 'who cares about the porridge? someone’s taken the video!'

2006-09-13 15:23:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Christopher learns about a terrible crime that has been committed by John and Bob. He has known both of these men for years and cares for them equally. Why, then, does he only report John to the authorities and not Bob?

2006-09-13 15:22:58 · 14 answers · asked by Dani G 7

A life insurance agent was speaking with a would-be client. After a long presentation of the risks of not buying the policy, the man was still a bit hesitant. "I feel that you're trying to frighten me into a hasty decision.

"Oh, no, I would never do such a thing!" the agent assured him. "I'll tell you what - Sleep on it tonight. IF you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know your decision."

2006-09-13 15:22:17 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

This riddle has really stumped me I just don't get it! lol


I am just two and two,

I am Hot. I am Cold,

I am the parent of Numbers that cannot be told,

I am a gift beyond measure,

a Matter of course,

I am Given with Pleasure when taken by force.

What am I?

2006-09-13 15:18:42 · 9 answers · asked by dragon 4

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

2006-09-13 15:18:18 · 19 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

one day a man is at a casino playing the one arm bandits when he notices a frog sitting next to him. 'ribbit,' says the frog, 'use this machine.' a little weirded out, the man nevertheless swaps machines, and what do you know, his first go and he lands a jackpot.
'jeepers!' he thinks. the frog then says, 'ribbit, now use the machine over there.' so the man goes over to the machine and sits down, and straight away the coins are pouring out all over him. I’m on a really good thing here,' he think to himself, and decides to take the frog to Las Vegas where the big money is at. so that night the man and the frog board a plane and arrive there the following day
after playing the tables for only ten minutes the man is a millionaire, thanks entirely to the frog and his strange lucky ways
he say, 'frog, I don’t know how to repay you. what can I do to show my appreciation?'
the frog replies, 'ribbit, ribbit, kiss me.' the man figures, well, why not, if that would make the frog happy, so be it. So be it. So he gives the frog a big sloppy kiss and the frog magically turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl
‘and that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room

2006-09-13 15:08:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a guy was sitting at a bar in Chicago and looked over and saw this guy that looked exactly like him. He said to the guy, "Hey! You look just like me!"

The other man agreed and asked, "Where are you from?"

The first guy answered, "Chicago."

"Me too!" said the second guy. "What street do you live on?"

"Forty-Ninth Street," answered the first guy.

"Me too!" said the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"

"951."

"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"

"John and Cathy," said the first guy.

"Me too!" shouted the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders were changing shifts and the guy coming on asked if anything is new.

"No," said the first bartender, "Just the Smith twins, drunk again."

2006-09-13 14:47:59 · 24 answers · asked by summerbrze 2

Its hard

2006-09-13 14:44:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

FUNNIEST GETS BEST ANSWER LOL MAKE ME CRACK UP!

2006-09-13 14:35:03 · 22 answers · asked by Christina G. 3

you have 10 coins. with those coins you have to make 5 lines of four coins each. how do you do it?

please help!!

thanks

2006-09-13 14:28:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-13 14:21:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had
the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have
the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows. The Italian then replies, "We have the
Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced
mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, and says, "But we built Roman
Empire ." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks
will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented
sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women.

2006-09-13 14:01:18 · 10 answers · asked by workingclasshero 5

i'm not crazy it's a riddle

2006-09-13 13:59:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-13 13:43:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Out of every ten things she says, nine are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

2006-09-13 13:32:47 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

For all those men who say, "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?" Here's an update for you:
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ................. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas ..................... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .......................................Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ........................................Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .......................................Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .......................................Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .......................................Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .......................................Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like.......................................Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ............. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ......................................Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots........... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2006-09-13 13:22:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns. Do u think that 1 was good?

2006-09-13 13:20:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

...You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances, Ivan, or Jeanne.

...Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time.

..You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows to accent the house color.

...You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy".

...Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in".

...Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it.

...You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months.

...You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster.

...You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means in your homeowner's policy.

...You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood.

...You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw.

...Your street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted.

...You now own more than 5 large ice chests.

...Your parrot can now say "hammered, pounded and hunker down".

...You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations.

...You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street.

...You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer.

...You've spent more than $20 on "tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags.

...You're considering upgrading your chainsaw from 16" to 20".

...You know what "bar chain oil" is.

...You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas.

...You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems like a reasonable investment.

...You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice".

...Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy".

...You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street with the noisy generator doesn't....

2006-09-13 13:15:24 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done??

2006-09-13 13:05:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for "Two Punts, one canoe"
The answer next day
Said-"Girls on the way
But what in Hell's name's a Panoe?

I'm in love with a girl from Uttoxeter
An exquisite and passionate ****-sitter
With her prehensile hole
She envelopes my pole
And then jumps up and down as my rocks hit her.

2006-09-13 12:40:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a kid gose to a doctor for a physical and says HAY!!! only priest are alloud to touch me there

2006-09-13 12:38:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
Meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make
$300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's
Four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about him self, the CEO looked around the room and
Asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice,

"He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

2006-09-13 12:17:05 · 24 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

(Note: Hellen Keller was blind and deaf for those who do not know.)
1. What do Hellen Keller's parents do when she is bad? They re-arrange the funiture.
2. What do Hellen Keller's parents do when she is really bad? Put door knobs on the walls
3. What do Hellen Keller's parents do when she is really really bad? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

2006-09-13 11:46:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-13 11:45:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-13 11:42:06 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous