Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-15 23:30:07 · 12 answers · asked by ALAN B 2

2006-09-15 23:24:22 · 24 answers · asked by bisht.anil 1

a man in South Africa had a problem of drinking beer too much so he went to doctor and was told to stop drinking but he refused to listen then one day the doctor decided to make an experiment the doctor took two glasses one with water and other with beer then he put worm inside each glass, the glass with water and worm nothing happened to the worm it just went swiming around then the glass with beer and worm, the worm died instantly inside. then doctor convienced that this man will stop drinking beer he asked him what did you saw ? the man answers " ohh i see the beer is good coz it kills worms'

2006-09-15 23:22:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'd rather a bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy."

2006-09-15 23:11:04 · 5 answers · asked by ? 4

God asked Tom how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied three! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave him a Mercedes!
John too were asked the same question. When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.
Sam is next. He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children. God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Suzuki.
Sometime later the three saw a person returning on foot. They ask why God hadn't given him anything he replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was father of the nation!!

2006-09-15 23:08:45 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink."

The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid."

"Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic. Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."

2006-09-15 22:55:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "5 shots?"

"Yes", the guy says, "I'm celebrating my first bl*wjob." The bartender replies, "hell let me buy you 1!"

"No thanks" the guy says, "If 5 don't get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter!"

2006-09-15 22:50:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde finished her English exam and came out. Her friends asked: How was the exam?

For that she replied: "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ...
and at last I wrote..... THINKED"

2006-09-15 22:44:15 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the US marines, if there is an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority is granted to whichever officer can program the VCR.

2006-09-15 22:35:25 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two people are found dead in a cabin in the middle of the woods. There is broken glass all around. How did they die?

2006-09-15 22:12:22 · 9 answers · asked by middleshoes 3

2006-09-15 22:07:42 · 14 answers · asked by Rotten egg 1

2006-09-15 22:06:23 · 24 answers · asked by Rotten egg 1

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'

2006-09-15 21:58:32 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

Any Guesses///

Reward: 10 Points !!!

2006-09-15 21:55:53 · 26 answers · asked by Cherry 4

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?


When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If

2006-09-15 21:26:36 · 14 answers · asked by gots_mad_paper 1

He pays $500 & clinic guy tells him
"In the next room is a running track, a hot babe & if you catch her, you can f#%K her!"
The guy enters the room to find just that!
Babe asks " R u here to loose weight?"
Fat guy replies " Yeah, & if I catch ya , I'm gonna f#%K ya!"
so around & around they went till the fat guy was exhausted.

"I'll come back tomorrow"

2nd day he pays $1000, clinic guy says
"Same deal dude,You catch her, you f#%k her!"
Guy enters the room to find an even hotter babe!
"R u here to loose weight?"
Fat guy replies "Yeah, & if I catch ya , I'm gonna f#%K ya!"
so around they go but fat boy still can't catch her

"I'll come back tomorrow"

3rd day, fat guy tells clinic guy
"I'm not losing much weight!"
Clinic guy says "Oh, you will today, I guarantee it!"
He pays $2000 & enters the room to find a HUGE ex convict!

Fat boy asks "R u here to loose weight???"

To which the convict replies

"YEAH, & if I catch ya, I'M REALLY GONNA F#%K YA!"

2006-09-15 21:18:14 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman with a deformity in her boobs went to buy a bra.The sales girl at the shop noticed that one of her boobs was much longer than the other.The girl asked the woman about it.The woman told that her husband wont sleep without her nipple in his mouth due to which her boob was like this.The girl replied that it was strange and told that even her husband does that even then she dint have such a deformity.The woman replied that her husband's bed and her bed was far apart!!!!!!!

2006-09-15 21:10:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.

He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.

They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register.

His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... just the sweater.

2006-09-15 21:09:30 · 7 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

2006-09-15 21:02:43 · 8 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfectorder. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, whatcame over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Johny spoke up and said,"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
*****************

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase pistol too. Timmy raised his hand, and after being recognized said, "The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion and his pistol too." Very good says the teacher.Little Johnny raised his hand, and after being called on
said,
"Down at our house we make home-brew, drink till twelve, and piss till two"

2006-09-15 20:49:48 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

identify the thing that grows and flow if we hit him

if we dont hit him it havent had any reaction

2006-09-15 20:29:02 · 14 answers · asked by Arial 1

There was a man eating something in a place he would'nt be if he had what he was eating.....Who is he? Where is he? And what doesn't he have?.....................................................

A unique in a harem eating nuts

2006-09-15 20:27:22 · 11 answers · asked by debbie l 2

A man is driving slow through a town. He is carrying two passengers, one in the front and one in the back. on arriving at their destination, where they meet up with four other, they all get out and it begins to rain, six of them get wet, even though they hurry on their way, the passenger who was in the back is completely dry even though he makes no attempt to hurry ahs no hat or umbrella. how is this possible?

2006-09-15 20:12:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wondering because you never really know what some people might believe...

2006-09-15 19:56:33 · 8 answers · asked by Middy S 2

can anyone test me with riddles?

2006-09-15 19:53:50 · 9 answers · asked by May 2

Eric Holdall has held the title of srongest man in thWorld , for thee tears. Yet there is one thing - that weighs virtually nothing - that he finds impossible to hold for more than a couple of minutes .
What is it ?

2006-09-15 19:43:54 · 9 answers · asked by kevin d 4

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
> The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
> The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl:
>replied, "They will in a minute."

2006-09-15 19:43:27 · 8 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

...would he then be known as FED-EX?

2006-09-15 19:40:16 · 7 answers · asked by Middy S 2

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
> > The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a
>human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very
>small.
> > The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
> > Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
>human; it was physically impossible.
> > The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
> > The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
> > The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

2006-09-15 19:40:05 · 11 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

2006-09-15 19:31:25 · 8 answers · asked by joan t 1