Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Deep within the forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped off into the air.....and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped,.......and fell to the ground. He tried again, and again, and again; while a couple of birds sitting on a branch sadly watched his efforts.
Finally the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear", she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted".

2006-09-16 05:14:15 · 37 answers · asked by jfmm 7

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major,
but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally,
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow,
you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

2006-09-16 05:12:42 · 14 answers · asked by easyboy 4

who,s the more foolish? the fool or the fool who follows him?

2006-09-16 04:37:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

the clues are she is us, catch 150, Quaffle, and bludger

2006-09-16 04:35:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will give 10 points to anyone that can give me the best Australian slang phrase or word they have heard of, the meaning of the term, and the reason that you think it's the best one.

My personal favourites are:

"Don't come the raw prawn"...I STILL don't really know what that means....

"...carrying on like a pork chop"...what DOES a pork chop "carry" on like?

"Crook as Rookwood"...I think more a Sydney thing, to do with what was, for a long time (and maybe still is) Sydney's largest cemetry, Rookwood.

Lastly: "Dry as a nun's C***"...the last word rhymes with stunt. Pretty self-explanatory that one. Yes, something that is very dry, and reportedly nun's stunts are.

The more, the better. So, get cracking!!!

2006-09-16 04:08:38 · 25 answers · asked by lozzy1970 2

2006-09-16 04:04:47 · 16 answers · asked by ? 3

I can think of 100's of male comics but hardly any females ones. Why would that be? Why is there no female version of Chris Rock or Seinfeld?

2006-09-16 04:00:27 · 26 answers · asked by Martin P 1

1. Is there a fourth of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

14. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

15. Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

16. Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

2006-09-16 03:55:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If possi ble tell some tongue twisters

2006-09-16 03:49:38 · 15 answers · asked by siddharth kumar 2

Man: my wife needs a bra but i don't know the size...
Salesgirl: don't worry sir,
touch my boobs and try to estimate.
Man: oh i forgot!!!
she needs panties too..heheheh

2006-09-16 03:44:42 · 11 answers · asked by tess 6

Who ever answers most of the ?'s right I'll give them a free answer!
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. Some months have 31 days; which have 28?
3. How many outs are there in an inning?
4. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
5. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
6. Is it legal for a man in CA to marry his widow's sister?

I know the answers to all of these, but do you?

2006-09-16 03:35:26 · 38 answers · asked by Searching4Love 3

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

2006-09-16 03:06:10 · 11 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

2006-09-16 03:02:42 · 9 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

2006-09-16 03:00:32 · 22 answers · asked by sanat 3

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

2006-09-16 02:59:05 · 11 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

2006-09-16 02:58:58 · 19 answers · asked by shee 1

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

2006-09-16 02:54:44 · 19 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

2006-09-16 02:51:25 · 13 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

In five years time, I will be three times as old as I was three years ago, how old am I now?

2006-09-16 02:05:49 · 20 answers · asked by Dodgey Jon 2

CYGTNLIT......?

2006-09-16 02:03:28 · 24 answers · asked by Dodgey Jon 2

You arne’t ginog to blveiee taht you can aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I am wirtnig. Beuacse of the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tish is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and you awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

2006-09-16 01:48:53 · 24 answers · asked by Carthic 1

i know the porn star one. its the name of your first pet and your mothers maiden name, mine is Ginger brown.

how do you work out the others or any other funny names?

2006-09-16 01:39:54 · 9 answers · asked by bennymole316 4

I woke with an achey banana
I relieved it of its milk
tummy ache gone too
need night night

http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-16 01:17:43 · 2 answers · asked by head_achey 1

2006-09-16 00:50:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country . . .we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . ”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex?

I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

2006-09-16 00:38:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-16 00:31:16 · 22 answers · asked by jodie t 1

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.

I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied,”Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

2006-09-16 00:23:10 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anyone seen one?

http://headachey.blogspot.com/

2006-09-16 00:16:16 · 7 answers · asked by head_achey 1

It is thing sometime with life, sometimes wet, sometimes hard, sometimes dark, some times bright and shining, go with seasons, dance to the every tune, likes to drink and dip and mostly shy and indoors, except on holidays and special days, and sometime on night shifts and don’t like buddies, but peep at them to test strength. Celebrates Independence Day with vigor. What it is.

2006-09-16 00:02:19 · 7 answers · asked by seshu 4

2006-09-15 23:58:12 · 7 answers · asked by Confused?! 4