does anyone know any funny jokes or poems?

Answer 1

There was a young girl from midrass
who had a MAGNIFICENT ***.
Not rounded and pink, as you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.


There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.


What do you call a spider with no legs?

A full stop.

BEWARE the Badger,
It said on the gate.
It bit off my tadger,
I'd read it too late!

Answer 2

I know a silly poem from Storyteller (audio tapes & books for kids, which some of you may remember from the 80's)

Here goes...

Silly old baboon, one afternoon, said "I think I shall fly to the sun"
So with 2 great palms strapped to his arms, he started his take-off run.

Mile after mile he galloped in style, but never once left the ground,
"You're running too slow!" said a passing crow, "Try reaching the speed of sound"

So he put on a spurt, by gosh how it hurt! The soles of his feet caught fire!
There were great clouds of steam as he raced through a stream, but he still didn't get any higher.

Racing on through the night both his knees caught alight and smoke billowed out from his rear!
Quick to his aid came a fire brigade, who chased him for over a year!

Many moons passed by, did baboon ever fly? Did he ever get to the sun?
I've just heard today that he's well on his way... he'll be passing through Acton at 1!

I don't know why I remember it so well, but it makes me giggle every time I recite it (this usually happens when I'm drunk, funny that)

Answer 3

Stupid but funny- What does a snail say riding on a turtle's back?....WEEEE! The next one I've told on the internet before....dirty elephant joke: A little boy went to the zoo with his father & they were looking at the elephants. The little boy said to his father, "What's the thing hanging down there?" His father said, "That's the elephant's trunk." The little boy said, "No, in the back! What's the thing hanging down there?" The father said, "That's the elephant's tail." The little boy said, come on Dad, you know what I'm talking about. What's the thing hanging down there?" The father said, "OK son, that's the elephant's p*nis" The son asked, "How come when I was here with Mom, she said it was nothing?" He said, "Son, your mother's spoiled!"

Answer 4

A man walks into a pub wid a cat under one arm an a osterage under the other. Goes to the bar orders 3 pints of larger and sits at the bar. The cat says get your ******* money out tight **** i paid 4 the last one in the other place . So the man gives the bar tender 50 note and says keep the change. This goes on all night the cat saying get your ******* money out tight ****. Last orders same again 3 pints of larger but this time the bar tender says to the man , Whats the score wid the cat and the osterage?. The man says on the way here i met a gini he gave me 3 wishes one was to allways have money in my pocket , to have a nice bird wid long legs and a ******* tight *****..................................

Answer 5

There was a young girl from Sweden, who had a peculiar feeling,
she lay on the bed opened her legs and peed all over the celling.


Mom asks daughter hows your sex life dear, daughter says, well its like British airways mom, 7 days a week both ways.

not sure weather i got that one right or not.????


Mary had a little lamb she thought it very silly, she through it up in the air and caught it by the willy was a watch dog sitting by the grass along came a bumble bee and stung him up the *** no questions tell no lies you ever see a police man pulling up his flys are nuisance bees are worse that the end of the Chinese curse.

Answer 6

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".

"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.

"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!"

Answer 7

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.So she reached behind her,lowered her zip and tried again.Still the skirt was too tight.So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step.But still the skirt was too tight.Determined to catch this bus,she once more reached behind her,lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard.Then suddenly she felt two hands on her bum which helped her on to the bus.
She turned around angrily and told the man behind her:"Sir,I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man replied:"Lady,I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

Answer 8

i love those parts: heritage's a topic it really is As lifeless because it should be. as quickly because it killed the Romans, And now that's killing me. when I die, bury me deep Bury my heritage e book at my feet. tell the instructor i have lengthy gone to relax and heavily isn't back for the heritage attempt. LOL... others at the prompt are not quite humorous, to be honest... 0=D

Answer 9

A sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said, Sorry. We don't serve food"

Answer 10

I nearly missed the boat coming over from Ireland to England, I could see the boat 10 yards out, well I made the biggest jump of my life, the captain shouted, you shouldn't have jumped, we're coming in to dock!