Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

It would be half full if your filling it up, but if your pouring it out it woulld be half empty.

2007-01-15 03:58:20 · 11 answers · asked by gabeymac♥ 5

These 2 cannibals are eating a clown when one looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

2007-01-15 03:54:34 · 14 answers · asked by velcroboy15 4

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

2007-01-15 03:51:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is a man who lives on the top floor of the buildin (7th).
he walks down two flights of stairs and gets a lift down to the 1st floor why did he walk down 2 flights of stairs
10 points for the best answer xx

2007-01-15 03:50:23 · 22 answers · asked by Break Me Down 2

A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."

The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"

The doctor says, "Change of plans -- I'm going to drown the bastard."

2007-01-15 03:49:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000,or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-01-15 03:47:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

wants to sleep in his parents bed but he cant fit so he lets a bit of air out of his mum he still cant ffit so he lets a bit of air out of his dad still wont fit so he lets a bit of air out of himself his dad wakes up and says jonny you have let your mum down me down and yourself down

2007-01-15 03:35:41 · 9 answers · asked by top cat 3

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-01-15 03:34:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get The Fourth One To Say Bingo

2007-01-15 03:32:25 · 11 answers · asked by zed10096 1

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2007-01-15 03:31:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Another, slightly more difficult, 10 pts to the first correct answer!

2007-01-15 03:26:06 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

My dad made this joke/riddle up. Ok it's a 2-part joke that's pretty short and it goes like this:


Q. How do you fit 5 elephants in a volkswagon beetle?


A. Two in the front and three in the back.


Ok now that you know the first part I'll try and let you try to figure out part two of the riddle.

Q. I went to the beach one day and before I saw any elephants or elephant footprints I knew that there were 15 elephants on the beach. How?

I'll post the answer later.

2007-01-15 03:24:43 · 7 answers · asked by Ace 5

2007-01-15 03:23:46 · 3 answers · asked by kimmycat 4

Its between 1-215
:-D Good Luck!

2007-01-15 03:18:17 · 17 answers · asked by jlh_1215 1

If an unstoppable object was heading towards an unmovable object and both objects were indestructible, what would happen?

2007-01-15 03:17:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 easy pts to the first who can work this one out!

2007-01-15 03:12:42 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

at the end of the shift paddy was asked how many he installed.the answer was 16.the foreman went mad saying mick did1000 paddy says yes but look how much he's left sticking out of the ground

2007-01-15 03:12:39 · 12 answers · asked by peter.w 4

As I was walking down the road one day, out of the dead the living came, six there were and seven there'll be. Can you answer this riddle written by me?

2007-01-15 03:05:30 · 19 answers · asked by Chimpanzees? Monkey. 7

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30

>>

>> SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

>>

>> A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25

>>

>> SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

>>

>> ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY

>> BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR

>> HIMSELF.

>>

>> THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF

>> $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

>>

>> WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-01-15 02:57:28 · 16 answers · asked by sdilib 1

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were thousands of times we just didn't get nothin'."

2007-01-15 02:33:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many different words/phrases do you know to describe being drunk? I have come to realise it doesnt matter too much what you say no-one ever questions you.
i.e. I could say "i was 7 different kinds of wednesday" (thank you funny man on tv for that-it did make me laugh) and everyone would know what i mean!

2007-01-15 02:26:47 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she flunked recess

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

2007-01-15 01:54:46 · 18 answers · asked by O.kbOrEd 2

i'm looking for some funny quotes or sayings or jokes to put in my profile! any ones you know or you made up websites, movie quotes anything REALLY funny

2007-01-15 01:52:58 · 8 answers · asked by Jay 2

Taking all offers

2007-01-15 01:50:15 · 6 answers · asked by tanor s 2

my son is 4 yrs old and only knows 1 knock knock joke and my 47 year old but don't remember any good ones.can anyone help?

2007-01-15 01:45:11 · 12 answers · asked by redwingnut16 3

can you say it first time?

2007-01-15 01:44:44 · 11 answers · asked by L666 1

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!

I have other jokes like these on my website http://www.okay-ok.co.nr/

2007-01-15 01:37:49 · 16 answers · asked by O.kbOrEd 2

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

2007-01-15 01:28:45 · 7 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

2007-01-15 01:21:27 · 18 answers · asked by Chloelouise 2

mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocai

2007-01-15 01:11:31 · 14 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5