Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

“The Key to Extinction”
On night, after eating chocolate ice cream, God had a horrible nightmare. He envisioned His mom yelling and scolding at Him, for having such a messy room. After finally waking up from his boundless tormenting dream, He got up and searched his computer for the greatest cleaner on earth. It took him a flash of light for His 1997 Dell computer to jump start and go onto the internet to search up the cleanest person living in the world. On Godgle’ list, the fastest search engine ever to be built, the name Jesus Cortez was on the top, with the record holding “The Earths Best Cleaner.” A light bulb went on, above God’s head, and he said, “I’ve got it.” With a wave of his fingers, He summons Death to bring up Mr. Cortez from Earth.
After an hour past, Death comes back to God and behind him was scared little Jesus.
“What took you so long?” God said to Death.
“The drunk driver pulled over for some coffee,” Death said.
With great confusion, Jesus finally said out load, “Hrare am I? Last thing I remember was that I saw a flash of light and now I am here. I demand an explanation.”
“You are in heaven my son,” God said, “I have brought you here to help me do something.”
“Heaven, but I never went to church except the time I went to paint the walls.”
“Aye, my son, for I have brought u here to ask you to help me clean thy room. It is a mess!” with those words God puts His hand on Jesus’ shoulders and leads him to His room. After a short walk, passing the Garden of Eden, they stop in front of a pair of massive door. “Aye, braise yourself my son” and He opens the doors.
With a great shock, Jesus’ jaws dropped as similar as the apple when Newton found gravity. “Oh my,” Jesus mumbled.
“Aye, it was this way since man was around. You see, my son, men always have a handful of problems they want me to solve, and I try to do my best, so I don’t have time to fix anything in my room. That is why I brought you here. This is my one job for you, Jesus. Can you help me?”
“Yes Sir,” Jesus said and went straight to work.
God suddenly stopped him and walked him straight to a little hole with purple light and a sign, saying “Warning Do not put the Key in the Hole.”
“What is this?” asked Jesus.
God pointed to a black key to the left and said, “This, my son is “The Key to Extinction. Don’t ever put the key in this hole!” and with out saying another word God left to finish off His work.
Jesus worked quickly to clean God’s sloppy room. It tool him a long time, but after six hours of hard and exhausting cleaning Jesus finally finished. He started walking toward the doors but accidentally bumped into the table with made a rumble and shook off the two signs and key of the table. The signs slipped into the back of the garbage can and the key fell on Jesus’ shoe. Not noticing the signs in the wastes he picked up the key and looked around. He spotted a little key hole on the wall and he tried to remember what God had said before about some sort of key. The key looked as if it was suppose to belong within the hole, so he stuck the key into the hole and walked out of the room.
“Are you finished with cleaning the room” God asked.
“Yes sir,” Jesus replied.
Suddenly, there was a sound coming from the computer, which Jesus recognized. The sound made him remember the time when he was talking to his seven kids about the internet, when suddenly a weird noise came on from the computer.
“Sir, I think you have an I.M.,” Jesus said.
When God walked over to his computer he was shocked. His eyes almost jumped out of its socket. He quickly went to his room and left Jesus standing there. Since Jesus was tired from the cleaning he slipped onto God’s computer chair, which had a label from Ikea. He then heard the same familiar “Boink” sound coming from the computer. It caught his attention and the information from the computer caused him to fall onto the ground. The message read
“Warning, the world is in trouble. There is a “Green House Effect” in the atmosphere causing global warming. The carbon, created from the factories and cars, have tripled the oxygen. There is also an imbalance of salt and fresh water within the ocean cause from the melting of the polar ice caps and creating much more violent storms all across the world.” Suddenly another “Boink” came up and this message said, “Warning, killer comet from space is going to collide with earth. Warning, new influenza found flying with birds.
Suddenly God comes back into the room furiously, “What on God’s World did you do!!”
Jesus replies, “Clean your room?”

2007-01-15 09:12:29 · 9 answers · asked by azn boy 2

2007-01-15 09:11:14 · 9 answers · asked by Kripster 1

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

2007-01-15 09:10:58 · 8 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

ok this girl just got married and 2 months later her husband died well before the funeral she cut his white daddy off and took it home and put it in a not hole so every day she would come home and backup on it well news gets around in a small town some hot guys got the idea they took the white daddy out of the not hole and put his in she came home and said come on dic we movin!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-15 09:10:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

pat and mick were walking home after a heavy session one night when they came across 2 men one was holding the other by the ankles dangling over a bridge,watching they the man being pulled up holding a 6lb salmon.pat said right mick next bridge we come to you dangle me over,sure enough next bridge mick dangled pat over,after about 10 minutes pat yells mick mick pull me up have you got a salmon says mick no theres a fu##ing train coming.

2007-01-15 09:10:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV. In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

2007-01-15 09:10:03 · 14 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

yes, i lived in Essex and my Essex bird said to me in bed one night..RIGHT that's it no one calls me a slapper.!

now get out of my bed ..
an take your mates with you..
lol

2007-01-15 09:09:58 · 9 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

I do

2007-01-15 09:08:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 09:05:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

JANUARY-----------I KICKED
FEBRUARY---------I PUNCHED
MARCH-------------I LICKED
APRIL---------------I MADE OUT WITH
MAY-----------------I SLAPPED
JUNE----------------I BEAT
JULY-----------------I KISSED
AUGUST------------I F***ED WIT
SEPTEMBER--------I DREAMED ABOUT
OCTOBER-----------I TAPPED
NOVEMBER---------I B**** SLAPPED
DECEMBER---------I BIT

DAY YOU WERE BORN ON

1--------A SEXY *****
2--------MY FRIENDS PANTS
3--------50 CENT
4--------YOU
5--------HIM/HER
6--------A HOBO
7--------1000 PEOPLE
8--------MY EX
9--------A GANGSTER
10-------UR EX
11-------A SPOON
12-------MY NEIGHBOR
13-------A PICKLE
14-------A H**
15-------A CHICKEN
16-------A FOOTBALL PLAYER
17-------A WHITE BOY
18-------***** BOY
19-------A LESBIAN
20-------MY BOYFRIEND
21-------SPONGE BOB
22-------A BANANA
23-------A HOMO SAPIEN
24-------W/ A MEXICAN GANGSTA
25-------A BLACK GUY (i'm not racist sorry)
26-------A NOODLE
27-------A GOTH
28-------MY BEST FRIENDS BOYFRIEND
29-------A PERP
30-------MY TRUE LOVE
31-------MY CAR

COLOR OF YOUR SHIRT

WHITE---------BECAUSE IM BALLIN
BLACK----------BECAUSE IM EMO
PINK------------BECAUSE THAT B**** STOLE MY TACO
YELLOW--------BECAUSE THE VOICES TOLD ME TO.
BLUE------------BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT S***
GREEN----------BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I ROLL
PURPLE---------BECAUSE I CAN
GRAY------------BECAUSE I KEEP IT GANGSTA
NO SHIRT OR IN A TOWL LOL------BECAUSE HE WAS FINE
ORANGE--------BECAUSE CHICKEN TASTES GOOD.
RED-------------BECAUSE I WAS HIGH
MAROON-------BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK.
BROWN--------- BECAUSE IM SEXY AND I DO WHATEVER I WANT.
STRIPED--------BECAUSE YOUR MOM SAID SO
TURQUOISE----BECAUSE I LOVE IT
TAN-------------BECAUSE IM JUS PLAIN STUPID
MULTI-COLORED---------BECAUSE IM IN LOVE
OTHER----------BECAUSE IT WAS ILLEGAL

2007-01-15 09:03:05 · 15 answers · asked by R ♥ I ♥ P ♥ Casey Calvert 3

Has BAFTA failed geography? i think soo! Cant we keep British things British? Next they will be holdin the oscars in London ( and i dont think soo)!

2007-01-15 08:57:40 · 5 answers · asked by Stars 1

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cold drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can creatively say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So, the Doberman quickly says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie remarks, "That's just not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

The Collie remarks, "That's not creative."

Finally, the Chihuahua speaks out, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

2007-01-15 08:52:55 · 6 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Who has some good "Yo Mama" jokes????

2007-01-15 08:50:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

oops there goes 2 pts lol thanks 4 looking

2007-01-15 08:49:39 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

YO mammy so ugly when she looked out the window the police said she was mooning . lets get her

2007-01-15 08:45:04 · 40 answers · asked by Hes perry perry the platupus 2

2007-01-15 08:44:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple are out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the petrol station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

2007-01-15 08:36:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

what does: lmao mean????

2007-01-15 08:36:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 08:33:32 · 9 answers · asked by BullShit Man 2

There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

"Hi!" said the young man standing there. "My name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. we're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" "Yes, I'll go and get her" said the farmer.

About 10 minutes later there's another knock. "Hi, my name's Eddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" So the farmer goes and fetches her.

Another 10 minutes go by, and there's a 3rd knock. "Hi, my name's Tucker..." And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.

2007-01-15 08:31:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 08:30:36 · 3 answers · asked by Ashy-Licious 2

Complete the last two in this sequence: 1=3, 2=3, 3=5, 4=4, 5=4, 6=3, 7=5, 8=5, 9=4, 10=3, 11=?, 12=?

2007-01-15 08:25:33 · 15 answers · asked by desertcoyotes88 1

lol dis is funny....

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2007-01-15 08:24:16 · 12 answers · asked by g00d_kiss3r_1992 2

Eight and five, last name and given,
We are one six six six even;
The first in cow, the last in oxen
Three in damsel, three in vixen.

Question: What are we called?

2007-01-15 08:21:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

boy:Jack was looking for u
Girl:Jack Who?
Boy:Jack!
Girl:Jack who?!
Boy:Jack.. dat dic*!!!ha ha
And there's another one where the boy asked do you want some skittles?In this sentence what are skittles?
Is there a joke similar to this for a gurl?

2007-01-15 08:19:47 · 8 answers · asked by baby*Phat 2

2007-01-15 08:15:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont get this, can some one explain....



Girl on the beach?
man walking on the beach sees a girl with no arms and no legs crying, so he stops and askes her why, shes says i am 18 years old and never been huged, so he feel bad,gives her a hug and goes on his way, the next day he sees the same girl crying and asks her what is wrong now, she say im 18 and ive never been kissed, so he leans down kisses her and goes on his way
next day there she is crying again and he asks what now, shes says i am 18 and never been fucced, so the guy thinks for a minute,picks her up and throws her in the water and says your fucced now!

2007-01-15 08:08:11 · 11 answers · asked by g00d_kiss3r_1992 2

guess a word ...... get anything close to mine and you get 10 points! HINT: it starts with M and ends with E it has 5 letters

2007-01-15 08:02:22 · 18 answers · asked by Kayyyy&♥; 4

2007-01-15 07:58:51 · 14 answers · asked by MErcuRY2007 1

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops $hit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.

3. When you're in deep $hit, keep your mouth shut!

2007-01-15 07:54:13 · 7 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3