Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

2007-01-15 12:18:39 · 11 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captain's log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your a r s e with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his a r s e with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

2007-01-15 12:17:24 · 23 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

There was a boy whose parents were so strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. One day he saw one of his friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!" On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt." He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she gave him a hot one across the lips. He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!" She said, "Why are you going to die??" He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"

2007-01-15 12:15:15 · 14 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

So...I just hit 4000 points on Answers. Plus, I have a "best answer" ratio of over 20%. Am I "all that AND a bag of chips?" Ten points to the Answer that hands me the best laugh!

2007-01-15 12:08:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you know you're stupid?

Does your mother know you're stupid?


A good riddle for someone who is annoying ask them if you can ask the two questions but the catch is they must amswer both questions with a yes or no answer

2007-01-15 11:58:10 · 18 answers · asked by Melissa S 2

A water lily in a pond doubles it size every 24 hours. After exactly 30 days, it covers the entire pond. How many days did it take until the lily covered just half of it?

2007-01-15 11:53:49 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 11:49:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The snail to climb a 6ft wall?

2007-01-15 11:46:11 · 22 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-01-15 11:41:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Beef Jerkey!!!

2007-01-15 11:34:07 · 10 answers · asked by FutureSoldier 2

Dan, dan the frying pan.... he combed his hair with the leg of a chair. I remember something about a verse like that when I was a kid, but can't remember the rest. Maybe some of you of my vintage will remember it. Thanks.

2007-01-15 11:29:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

it has to do with a man sending an email to a dead man's wife. please answer ever if you dont know

2007-01-15 11:17:45 · 12 answers · asked by Lizzy 1

I recently registered with a new doctor. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a sh it?"

2007-01-15 11:15:50 · 25 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-01-15 11:14:53 · 19 answers · asked by shark38dd 4

1.) giv me a 5 lettered-word that begins wit Y and ends wit O.

2.) unscramble this: spyisohthe ( begins wit H and ends wit S )

3.)ther were 5 cats in the play-pin when 3 jumped. how many cats were left?

4.) ther were two gus playin chess. both won 7 games, without draws or stalemates. how is this possible?

5.)ur on stuck on an island so u go out to find some food. the only food u find is a banana tree but its too high and u r too weak from hunger to climb it. u find a greedy monkey on top of the treeeatin the bananas so u sit next to a pile of rocks to think. finally u thought of how to get the bananas. wat would u do to get the bananas?

2007-01-15 11:14:20 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 11:11:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 11:11:18 · 8 answers · asked by katlin 1

What is the song name and the artist that has a line like this: "I'm skinny when im standing, but I'm Buddha when I sit." I know the answer but I'm bored and want to see if anyone has the same taste in music I have.

2007-01-15 11:06:12 · 6 answers · asked by bibsio 2

Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?







Because it hurts when they boil their nxpples.

2007-01-15 11:05:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 11:04:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A single woman went shopping for groceries late one night. Taking a small basket, she filled it with some soup, a frozen meal and a bottle of milk.
At the checkout, the male attendant said: "You're single, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Because you're so goddamn ugly."

2007-01-15 11:02:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

dear, nothing will burn. I forgot to turn off the shower,”

2007-01-15 11:01:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-01-15 11:01:16 · 14 answers · asked by shark38dd 4

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F".

He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T".

She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-od I-ts F-riday; get it?"

The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

2007-01-15 11:01:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

2007-01-15 10:57:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

2007-01-15 10:56:48 · 8 answers · asked by firebabe1717 2

This can't be hell! -- Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance she called out, "John, dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me? A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"Well, what do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."

"Well then, where are you?" "I've been reincarnated as a jack rabbit in Arizona." --

2007-01-15 10:52:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a female sex change?































An addadictomy!

2007-01-15 10:45:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 being the best:

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

2007-01-15 10:44:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wot do batman and scousers av in common????
Neither can go out with out robin!!!

2007-01-15 10:44:04 · 14 answers · asked by laura G 1