Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

It wasn't funny at the time, but I guess now 2 years later I can find a little humor in this.

My family used to have a house by the countryside...one day I accidentally stepped on fire ants, and they started crawling through all my clothes. I had to strip EVERYTHING off, and run about a mile back to my house!

Thankfully nobody was there to see this (i am very SHY), but it was in BROAD DAYLIGHT and there was a road right behind me that nobody ever used.

If you had been driving down that road that afternoon and saw me running back to my house...in the alltogether...and knew i was okay, what would you say or do to make me BLUSH the most?

2007-01-15 19:02:14 · 8 answers · asked by brian 1

After a difficult night in bed daddy balloon says to baby balloon

"Tommorrow you must stay in your own bed .You are too big now to spend the night in our bed."

Sadly baby balloon agreed.

The following night after much tossing and turning baby balloon could stand it no longer and went through to his parents bed. He could see there was no room so he untied daddy balloon's knot and let some air out. Still he could not squeeze in so he untied mummy balloons knot and left some air out. Still no room, he sighed and untied his own knot and let some air out.
Finally he could just squeeze between them ...He fell asleep.

The following morning daddy bear was very angry and confronted baby balloon.

" I am very unhappy with you, we discussed this and you agreed not to come to our bed baby balloon............................

You have let me down, you have let you mother down, but most of all you have let yourself down........"

2007-01-15 19:00:17 · 25 answers · asked by deepee 4

2007-01-15 18:35:30 · 10 answers · asked by vijay r 1

Aging gracefully, a 70 year old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great....just great....Some ***-*ole's got my pen!"

2007-01-15 18:21:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

first one to get them right wins best answer!

1. what does someone have to take in order to give it to you?

2. a woman has 7 children. half of them are boys. how can that be?

3. a man lives on the 26th floor of a high rise apartment building. every morning he gets on the elevator hits the #1 button, gets off the elevator on the first floor and goes to work. every evening he gets off work, goes to his apartment building, gets on the elevator hits the #12 button, gets off on the 12th floor and takes the stairs to the 26th floor. why does he do this?
(hint: it's not for exercise.)

2007-01-15 18:19:17 · 10 answers · asked by it's me, julie 2

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidently bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that wall!"

2007-01-15 18:16:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers
helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies

2007-01-15 18:11:07 · 12 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time.....But I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"
Her friend glared at her. For at least 3 minutes she just sat there and stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

2007-01-15 18:10:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 18:06:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I doubt the British soilders families who've lost a child to American who thinks he's playing an XBOX would call it "Friendly"!

Some 300ILB tub of TRANS FAT shooting everything he sees that moves....'Oh gee sorry buddy...you're just gettin' outta the shower huh?' 'You had a towel on your head you looked "EYE RACK E".'

2007-01-15 18:04:13 · 15 answers · asked by Stevie G 2

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

2007-01-15 17:50:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 17:45:37 · 7 answers · asked by vijay r 1

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

2007-01-15 17:34:52 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was lead into a dark room
I was lit on fire
I cried and wept
And my head got cut off.

What am I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX :)

2007-01-15 17:18:01 · 12 answers · asked by Kat 2

2007-01-15 17:16:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q1.What are you before you use the bathroom?
Q2.What are you when your using the bathroom?
Q3.what are you after you use the bathroom?




Ans.
1.Russian
2.European



3.You are uncloging the toilet...lol!!!!!!!

2007-01-15 17:13:41 · 11 answers · asked by someone 2

i want to try and make people smile when they read this page, so feel free to write a joke or tell a funny story...you might make someones day :-)

I have struggled with depression for a while now, so i know how a smile can make a difference, so in the spirit of being happy, i will start off the jokes/stories...

2 rabbit families,1 from the city,1 from the country. the city rabbits invited the country family over for christmas. During the meal the father of the country rabbits asked "how do you cross the road with so many cars"?. "well i shall show you" replied the father of the city rabbits. So they all trekked outside... The father of the city rabbits ran across the road just as a car was approaching, he reached the middle of the road and ducked down.The car went over him and the rabbit trotted to the other side. so now the country rabbit tried it, he reached the middle of the road and ducked down,car came..SPLAT.. *gasps*

"what was the chance of a 3-wheeler coming along"

2007-01-15 17:01:49 · 14 answers · asked by fireman sam 4

I'm not an airplane.. but I can fly through the sky..
I'm not a river.. but I'm full of water..

What am I?

2007-01-15 16:58:15 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: Boys pants were half off.

2007-01-15 16:57:48 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

ao i guess u guys r stupid rite?...anyway iam not gonna pick a best answer...iam gonna tell u guys

(1) i have five hands and fifty fingers, and fiftyifive legs what am i?
ans: a liar

(2) a guy in a bathroom dies after drinking a poison and a guy in a living room didint..whay is that?
ans: becos he drank it inside a LIVING ROOM so he lives..


another riddle 4 u guys...what bright orange and sound like a parrot?....try this if u can

2007-01-15 16:57:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot

2007-01-15 16:41:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

thier is this blond out in a corn felid in a row boat. just rowing away. then this blound that was driveing by stoped her car and shouted out in to the corn felid.. its blounds like you who give the rest of us a bad name !!!! if i could swim i would come out thier and woop your butt

2007-01-15 16:29:40 · 8 answers · asked by A_GUY 3

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, ......just ******* beautiful!’”

2007-01-15 16:23:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have five hands, fifty fingers, and fifty five legs..what am i?

(2) a man in a bathroom dies after drinking a poison and a man inside a living room didint..why do u this this is posible?

2007-01-15 16:22:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

2007-01-15 16:17:04 · 15 answers · asked by Borg_MonkeyDrone 3

Just read this and thought it was hilarious... so I thought I'd share.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:

"You're next."

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

2007-01-15 16:13:50 · 14 answers · asked by gravytrain036 5

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-01-15 16:12:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

2007-01-15 16:09:02 · 14 answers · asked by Borg_MonkeyDrone 3

There is an international wrestling match between the U.S.A. and Russia. The American coach is talking to his star wrestler before the game and warns him about a new move the Russians have called the 'Russian Corkscrew'. He tells the boy that no matter what not to let him get that hold.The match begins and both sides are very even. At the last 30 seconds, the Russian pulls the 'Russian Corkscrew' on the American.The coach is very angry and leaves for the locker room. He starts slamming lockers and throwing chairs when suddenly he hears this weird sound coming from the gymnasium. LIstening in on it, he hears people chanting, "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"Surprised, he walks out onto the gymnasium to see the Russian passed out on the mat and the ref holding the American's hand up in the air in victory.After the match he pulls the boy aside and asked "How did you do it? How did you get out of the 'Russian Corkscrew'?"The boy replied, "I was laying on the mat and out of the corner of my eye I saw these testicles hanging there. I thought what have I got to lose so I bit down on them. Oh man, you never know your own strength till you bite your own balls!"

2007-01-15 16:01:21 · 8 answers · asked by gravytrain036 5

??????????????????????????

2007-01-15 15:57:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous