Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose.

2007-01-16 05:17:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.

The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

2007-01-16 05:15:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language, "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?".

The wife replies in sign language, If you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex bite my left nipple twice".

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex pull my penis 50 times".

2007-01-16 05:13:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 05:11:13 · 3 answers · asked by James M 1

this is a hard one.plz help me!!!

2007-01-16 05:06:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

pady went on to who wants to ba a millionaire and sed to chris im stuck on the first question can I phone a friend and chris sed who do you want to phone he sed ill phone mick when he phones mick he sed I mick im stuck on the first question what shall I do go 50/50 or ask the audience. does anyone like that joke?

2007-01-16 05:01:39 · 10 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-01-16 04:58:28 · 13 answers · asked by ps3loco 1

2007-01-16 04:46:11 · 11 answers · asked by profeSSSSor 2

a chinese doctor...

she says help me doctor i cant find a husband...

Doc.....Take off all your clothes and go and kneel on the floor over there .

Doc.....now crawl towards me....ok....now turn around and crawl away from me.....

Doc....you can get dressed i have found out the problem you have ed zacharies disease...this is why you cant find a husband.

she....is it serious

Doc ...it cant be cured you see you is damn ugly and your face looks edzachary like your ***..

2007-01-16 04:37:43 · 17 answers · asked by cosmic 2

An Egyptian Riddle:

What animal walks on 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening? First person to get it right gets Best Answer!!! Have fun!!!

2007-01-16 04:37:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a little easy but I liked it. What starts with a P and ends with a E and has a million letters inbetween?

2007-01-16 04:34:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

These are the only that would fit, but add your own!!!

2007-01-16 04:33:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now
had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm
is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

2007-01-16 04:17:56 · 13 answers · asked by Tabor 4

Can you wake up dead? Can something be found missing?

2007-01-16 04:16:38 · 11 answers · asked by Nia GonzaLez 1

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

2007-01-16 04:16:38 · 3 answers · asked by mai51156 2

Blonde in car get's stopped by equally Blonde female motorbike cop, cop says maam your driving back there was atrocious I need to see your drivers licence, blonde in car looks flustered and searches through her handbag(purse) looks up and apologetically states ermmmmm..... what does it look like exactly......Blonde cop sighs and says calmly maam it's sort of small slim square and has your picture on it...the blonde driver smiles nervously and delves back into her bag....she spots a small square cosmetic mirror pulls it out and looks at it and sees her reflection...triumphantly she hands it to the cop who looks at it and Says!!! damn if I knew you were a police officer we could have saved all this trouble...lol!!

2007-01-16 04:13:48 · 11 answers · asked by William C 2

what does that mean? what do you think of it

2007-01-16 04:08:35 · 7 answers · asked by trey64op 2

2007-01-16 04:08:06 · 22 answers · asked by SUVITH R 1

if it was and you could take 3 items on the rocket that was sent to save us what would u take quick u have only 2 minutes ?

2007-01-16 04:04:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 04:01:18 · 6 answers · asked by SUVITH R 1

I don't understand. If someone says I spat all over the floor instead of I spit all over that floor then shouldn't "I fit in that pair of jeans" actually say "I fat in that pair of jeans" I know fat deals with weight but don't you think it has 2 meanings.

2007-01-16 03:59:05 · 6 answers · asked by JUDI 3

my favorite is red

2007-01-16 03:55:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 03:48:10 · 16 answers · asked by Plato 5

What can I put on a card for a blow pop candy to sound cute?

2007-01-16 03:42:36 · 10 answers · asked by angelic1302 3

Fred went to the doctors because he had swallowed his glass eye. The doctor said bend over and let me take a look. Fred bent over, and there was the eye staring back at the doctor. He at once said, now, now, Fred, we will have to trust each other more than that!

2007-01-16 03:42:27 · 27 answers · asked by Plato 5

A man lives on the tenth floor of a hotel. Everyday to get to work, he goes down the elevator, gets into his car, and drives to work. When he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks 2 flight of stairs to get to his room. Why doesn't he take the elevator all the way up?

*HINT* He doesn't need the exersize!

2007-01-16 03:42:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am looking for the first person who can give me a coherent sentence that uses all of the letters of the alphabet. You can use each consonant only once. First to answer correctly will get the ten points.

2007-01-16 03:24:03 · 10 answers · asked by kgforaingeal 2

2007-01-16 03:23:55 · 10 answers · asked by Plato 5

2007-01-16 03:22:45 · 8 answers · asked by Plato 5

first one to get them right wins best answer!

1. what does someone have to take in order to give it to you?

2. a woman has 7 children. half of them are boys. how can that be?

3. a man lives on the 26th floor of a high rise apartment building. every morning he gets on the elevator hits the #1 button, gets off the elevator on the first floor and goes to work. every evening he gets off work, goes to his apartment building, gets on the elevator hits the #12 button, gets off on the 12th floor and takes the stairs to the 26th floor. why does he do this?
(hint: it's not for exercise.)

2007-01-16 03:15:48 · 26 answers · asked by it's me, julie 2