Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

It's in the wee hours at Denny's, and I'm at table five,
Pondering without her, what's the use to be alive?
My life is full of emptiness, my heart full of dispair,
blacker than my eyeliner, I'm bluer than my hair.

For what use on this mortal strand to wander so alone,
I would start a gothic band, but I've no microphone
Even this denied to me, I wallow in my angst
and a double order of twisty fries, for which I grunt my thanks

the waiter, Manny, stares at me and my pierc-ed nostril
I glare back and grit my teeth, in a manner hostile
No one understands but she. No one else is able.
Oh, there she is at table three. I was at the wrong dang table.

2007-01-16 08:00:43 · 11 answers · asked by Kris G 3

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got a DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

2007-01-16 08:00:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The other night I went to the pub with my mate and when it was his turn to buy I said "Your round" and he said "So are you, you fat ba5tard!"

2007-01-16 07:59:39 · 9 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up...

2007-01-16 07:56:29 · 7 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

2007-01-16 07:51:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vacuum salesman walks up to a door and knocks. A moment later a little old lady opens the door and yells, "Go away I am broke!" She starts to slam the door. Just then the salesman shoves in his foot. "Wait!", he says. He then proceeds to dump a big bag of horse manure on her hallway carpet. Then the salesman says, "I guarantee my vacuum will clean this entire pile of manure up, leaving no trace". The saleman pausing a bit then says, "If it doesn't, I will eat whatever is left over". The lady looks at him, smiles and says, " What part of broke don't you understand? My electricity has been shut off since yesterday".

2007-01-16 07:50:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 07:49:05 · 2 answers · asked by UMCorky 1

2007-01-16 07:42:29 · 3 answers · asked by Maria Laura 3

Here is your first question, the foreman said. Without using
numbers,represent the number 9.
Without numbers? The Irishman says, Dat is easy. And proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this? the boss asks?
Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine, says the
Irishman .
Fair enough, says the boss.
Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. Ere you go.
The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree,and dirty tree. Dat is 99.
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman , so he saysays, All right, last question.Same rules again, but represent the number 100.The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little marks

2007-01-16 07:41:14 · 27 answers · asked by Angela O 3

what happened to the frog that broke down????
he got toad away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-16 07:38:01 · 22 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are to small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she asks.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your azz, didn't it?'''

2007-01-16 07:37:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal.

2007-01-16 07:35:42 · 13 answers · asked by The Cleveland Indians 3

Answer: OW!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-16 07:33:41 · 10 answers · asked by ashgfu321 2

There is a farmer who is tired of having crows pick off all his crops so he decides to go out and start hunting down the birds. He crosses his field and finds there is a big tree at the end of the field where the birds like to sit and rest. He looks up into the tree and counts out 30 of the birds. He fires three shots into the branches. His first shot kills 3 birds, the second kills 5, and the thirds kills 2. How many birds are left in the tree?

10 pts for 1st correct answer

2007-01-16 07:32:13 · 9 answers · asked by Maverick 6

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

2007-01-16 07:30:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

17 + nineteen =
six minus two =
9 + 23 =
first correct answer get 10 points

2007-01-16 07:26:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i go back to the beginning of time, i can be found in most stores, i come in all shapes and sizes...what am i?

2007-01-16 07:25:03 · 12 answers · asked by KTH 1

if farmer john has 20 sheep and 19 die how many sheep are left?

2007-01-16 07:23:55 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is pimp my ride real ? coz the cars are pretty much 7 things : 4 wheels a stereering wheel an engine and a gear stick and anyway how would it pass the MOT test ?

2007-01-16 07:22:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did the idiot call a zebra?
SPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-16 07:21:37 · 42 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

You've heard the question 'if a tree falls in the forest & there is nothing & no-one th hear it, does it make a sound?' well, if a man is all alone in a forest & there are no women around, is he still in the wrong??

2007-01-16 07:19:18 · 17 answers · asked by devildriver53 2

Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

2007-01-16 07:16:37 · 6 answers · asked by Maverick 6

I made several attempts as a child, only to lose count or become bored and bite it.

2007-01-16 07:12:59 · 16 answers · asked by * 4

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"Darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks i need, everytime I see your mother kiss your cheek."

2007-01-16 07:03:25 · 19 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

I've seen you where you never was,
and where you ne'er will be;
And yet you in that very same place
May still be seen by me.


Who am I?

1st correct ans. gets 10 pts.

2007-01-16 07:01:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

While the Pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope's authority. So the Pope sat at the
wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur."

2007-01-16 07:01:12 · 14 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A plane full of people going to Iceland crash
The plane crashes between Canada and the USA
Where do you bury the survivors?

I will post the answer in about 30 minutes

2007-01-16 07:00:35 · 14 answers · asked by Kylie J 4

Skinny white guy gets in an elevator. Huge black man says, "Before you ask,7ft tall, 350Ibs, 20" dick and my balls weigh 3Ib each, Turner Brown." The white guy faints. When he comes round he askes the man to say that again. The big guy repeats his stats and says, "My names Turner Brown". Oh Thank **** for that says the white man, i thought you said Turn around!!!

2007-01-16 07:00:30 · 18 answers · asked by Nick 1

Skinny white guy gets in an elevator. Huge black man says, "Before you ask,7ft tall, 350Ibs, 20" dick and my balls weigh 3Ib each, Turner Brown." The white guy faints. When he comes round he askes the man to say that again. The big guy repeats his stats and says, "My names Turner Brown". Oh Thank **** for that says the white man, i thought you said Turn around!!!

2007-01-16 06:59:42 · 4 answers · asked by Nick 1

A piece of *ss that brings a tear to your eye.

2007-01-16 06:57:05 · 8 answers · asked by K-E-G 4