Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

2007-01-16 13:15:38 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Bloke goes into the dentist and sits on the dentist chair.....
Dentist Says "Open your mouth and say Arrrrrrrrrr"
Bloke Says "Why?"
Dentist Says "Coz my Dog just died"

Sorry, can you see how bored I am..........Roll on 7 o'clock when my night shift will finally finish!

2007-01-16 13:10:07 · 10 answers · asked by AlleJo 2

You Told Her What?
A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

2007-01-16 13:09:27 · 20 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

2007-01-16 13:02:25 · 8 answers · asked by whydoesitcrysmeagol 4

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself!"

2007-01-16 12:38:18 · 31 answers · asked by Tink 5

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... We can't hire you."

"But wait," he says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

The applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well, then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking and asked for aspirin?"

2007-01-16 12:34:26 · 33 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-16 12:33:34 · 16 answers · asked by Commander 3

2007-01-16 12:27:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I sort of get the impression that the asker just wants to be complimented on their joke. So if you don't find it funny, there is little point in commenting on the joke. Just a thought!

2007-01-16 12:25:38 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 12:23:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The general replied, "Bring my red shirt!" Then, with his red shirt on, he led his army to victory. Next day, the sergeant said, "Sir! An enemy company is headed straight at us!" Again the general said, "Bring my red shirt!" then, led his army to victory, so the sergeant asked about the red shirt. The general said, "That's so if I'm wounded, my men won't notice my blood." Next day, the sergeant said,"Sir! there's 3 enemy regimens and 2 columns of enemy tanks headed straight at us!" The general replied, "Bring my brown pants!"

2007-01-16 12:19:30 · 10 answers · asked by robertspraguejr 4

Could I call the airline and cancel her ticket?

2007-01-16 12:18:36 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.

All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes, and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

2007-01-16 12:18:01 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

Because the Snake Liked....

2007-01-16 12:16:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

what does the saying, "he had a little trouble getting the pickle out of the pickle jar?" mean?

2007-01-16 12:15:35 · 4 answers · asked by xoxoraj 1

a barber

2007-01-16 12:14:39 · 26 answers · asked by Na-Na 2

(1) what is black and white and black and white and black and white?

(2)when does 'b' come after 'u'?

(3)how did the rocket lost his job?

(4)what can go inside a hungry tiger;s cave and come out alive?

2007-01-16 12:12:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your
head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

2007-01-16 12:11:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 12:10:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

2007-01-16 12:09:59 · 13 answers · asked by babegirl 1

When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".

Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

2007-01-16 12:08:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer .

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

2007-01-16 12:07:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-01-16 12:05:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eg. 1+2+3+4+5................. 99+100 =

2007-01-16 11:56:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I dont remember how it goes exactly but this is what I remeber...A brown skinned mexican went into a store and the owner a white man said "sorry u need to get outta here cuz we dont allow colored people." The mexican said "I aint colored, Im brown, when I was born I was brown, when I go in the sun, when I get sick, and when I die, Im still brown, But white people, when u guys are born ur pink, when ur sick ur green or yellow, when ur in the sun too long u get red and when u die u turn purple....WHAT DO U THINK lol?

2007-01-16 11:50:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?

A. Melt them down, make them into a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

LOL I don't tell "dirty" jokes very often but that's just a funny play on words.

2007-01-16 11:47:52 · 10 answers · asked by peachy78 5

What can you write up too and over a hundred of and not use the letter "A" there different and the same at the same time???

2007-01-16 11:45:05 · 21 answers · asked by bmebodymod 3

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"How old are you?" the officer asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"How old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

2007-01-16 11:42:22 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

A mother is 21 years older than her son..in 6 years she will be 5 times older than him..THE QUESTION IS.......................WHERE IS THE FATHER?



If you do the math you will end up with -9...meaning -9 months..so where is the father?

2007-01-16 11:38:53 · 19 answers · asked by aznlakersmaniac 3

2007-01-16 11:35:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous