Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-16 19:53:39 · 23 answers · asked by Geek 1

......and despite the best efforts of the authorities and police, it evaded capture and lodged itself firmly up a tree.
It was decided to send for a big game hunter who promptly arrived with a large net, a shotgun and a very, very large dog.

"What are those for?" asked the sherriff.

"Well," said the hunter, " I'm gonna climb the tree up to the same branch as the gorilla, shake the branch till it looses it's grip and falls. As soon as it hits the ground the dog is trained to screw it into submission. I will then throw the net over it while it's stunned and load it into my van."

"Sounds good," said the sherriff, "but what's the shotgun for?"

"Ahh" says the hunter handing it to him, "if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla....please shoot the damn dog!"

2007-01-16 19:48:45 · 16 answers · asked by racerman 3

2007-01-16 19:40:03 · 9 answers · asked by Geek 1

There were 3 pregnant women having lunch together. One was a blonde, one a brunette and the last was a red head.

The waitress asks, "So ladies, what do you think you are having, boys or girls?"

The brunette says, "Well, I was on top, so that means I am going to have a boy."

The red head says, "Really? Well, I was on the bottom so that means I am going to have a girl!"

Then the blonde starts celebrating, "Oh goody, oh goody! That means I'm going to have puppies!"

2007-01-16 19:12:58 · 27 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

1. what does cow hve four and I have two?

2. what in ur pants that u have n i dun have?

3. what does a dog do that men steps into?

4. What starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

5. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?

7. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.get wet before you do. Who am I?

8. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, I feel good. What am I?

9. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?

10.What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of noise?

* Negative answers are forbidden.

2007-01-16 19:08:28 · 12 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

You're in a stall letting go of some turd, and you realize there's no more toilet paper and there's no one else in the bathroom. Would you:

1. wait for the janitor

2. use the used ones from the trash can next to you

3. use your index and middle fingers

4. or the sissy way: use your socks

if you can come up with another creative alternative, lemme know

2007-01-16 19:08:24 · 11 answers · asked by Space Cadet 3

2007-01-16 18:57:43 · 19 answers · asked by jurich_28 2

*
*
*
a large fortune

2007-01-16 18:30:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman was touring the Irish countryside and got lost. He saw a farmer Mike, working in his field and stopped for directions.

Mike told him the directions back to his place.

The Englishman wanted to talk a bit so he asked Mike, "Is this your farm?"

"Yep", Mike answered.

"How big is it?" asked the Englishman.

"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."

The Englishman smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place at Norfolk (England). I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"

Mike thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."

2007-01-16 18:06:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day a guy was driving in washington when he came up to a traffic jam after a while of slow moving he hears a knock on the window he winds it down and a guy says help help some terrorists have bush captive and if we dont give them 100,000 dollars they will blow up him and the whitehouse so the guy says well how much are people giving and the guy outside the car says about a gallon each !!!!!!!!!

2007-01-16 17:56:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

just curious... i personally love the shirt that says "the man" with an arrow facing up and "the legend" with an arrow facing down.

2007-01-16 17:29:45 · 31 answers · asked by Mark F 3

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

2007-01-16 17:26:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 17:20:40 · 34 answers · asked by profeSSSSor 2

Ben and Owen driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. They were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totalled.

Before Ben could say anything, Owen said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don’t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Ben said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don’t I pull that out?” suggested Owen. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Ben and said, "Here, drink some!" Ben took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Owen. "Here, you have some!"

Owen passed it back and said, "No, I think I’ll wait until the police get here."

2007-01-16 17:07:41 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy & a gal r going in a bus..when the gal got down the bus..she gave her No.2472742 ...and when the boy asks her the name..Gal--The No.is in the name,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Find out the name ............????????????

2007-01-16 17:01:09 · 23 answers · asked by mukesh_ccu 1

2007-01-16 16:11:31 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

They only have one flashlight and only two can cross at a time (the bridge is weak). It takes Ann 1 minute to cross, Bob 2 minutes, Charles 5 minutes and Donna 10 minutes. How can they all get across in 17 minutes?

2007-01-16 16:07:30 · 12 answers · asked by teran_realtor 7

Sorry, I'm a "reached your answer limit" virgin. I can't help to be somewhat disappointed though. lol

2007-01-16 16:03:25 · 38 answers · asked by Tammers 4

Three strings walk into a bar and they sit at a table near the bar. One string gets up and goes to the bar and asks,
"Three beers please for me and my friends."
The bartender says,"Sorry...we don't serve strings here."
The string then goes back to his seat. The second string goes up to the bar and says,
"Hi...may I please have 3 beers for me and my two friends."
The bartender says,"Sorry...I already told the other string that we don't serve strings here."
Third string gets up and ties himself in knots and then messes up his hair. He walks up to the bar and says,
"Three beers please for me and my friends."
The bartender asks,
"Hey, aren't you one of those strings?"
The string replied, "Nope...I'm a frayed knot."

2007-01-16 16:02:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who is that character with the purple clown outfits that appears on Attack of the evil tvs 1 and 2. The game is for sega saturn i belive...

2007-01-16 15:51:51 · 4 answers · asked by Rawr 3

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

2007-01-16 15:42:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young boy and girl are outside playing in a sprinkler, and the boy decides to drop his shorts. The girl asks, "What's that!?" pointing at the boys weenie. The boy replies, " I don't know, lemme go ask my dad." The boy walks in on his dad taking a leak and asks him, "What is that daddy?" pointing at the dads ween. The father responds, " son, that is what I would like to call a perfect penis." So the boy runs back out to tell the girl. She asks "So, what is it?" The boy says, "well if it was four inches shorter it would be called a perfect penis."

2007-01-16 15:41:42 · 7 answers · asked by HeathersMaN 1

:-D

2007-01-16 15:37:16 · 13 answers · asked by pink_questions 1

2007-01-16 15:33:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

See how many you can get.

1. What is special about the number 854917632?

2. A man and his wife went on a trip to Aspen so they could go skiing. While they were skiing, the man's wife died. A detective tried to solve the case and he knew exactly what happened when he talked to the man's travel agent. What happened?

3. What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

4. How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

5. There is a pink single story house and everything in it is pink. The doors are pink, the windows are pink and the TV is pink. What color are the stairs....

2007-01-16 15:31:34 · 6 answers · asked by Ace 5

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't fink my pet python weally givth a thit"

2007-01-16 15:31:06 · 22 answers · asked by Papa 7

first right answer gets 10 points

2007-01-16 15:29:37 · 8 answers · asked by asphaltkicker 1

My most random dream was that i got to a hotel room and i opened the door and it was like a pent house. It had stairs leading up to a loft. The stairs were hidden behind the wall in the doorway. I couldn't see the perpendicular walls from the door. The door was in the middle of the room. There was a fire on the opposite wall. Anyway i heard "thump, thump, thump" and there was this humongously fat white guy with curly blonde hair running across the room. He was running very slowly and had his right arm out in front of him as if to stop himself from running into the wall. All he was wearing was his underwear. First he ran from left to right, back, and then the other way again. When he reached the right side of the room he really quickly ran upstairs for 1 second and a pause. Then he was snoring. The stairs were hidden so I couldn't see him running upstairs but I heard him. He came again in another dream 2 nights later. Now what was yours?

2007-01-16 15:28:31 · 5 answers · asked by opricat 1

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her *** is a pencil sharpener!"

2007-01-16 15:26:04 · 10 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

2007-01-16 15:19:22 · 11 answers · asked by El Nino 2