Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A guy walks into a bar and happens to notice a jar full of ten dollar bills on the bartop with a sign reading "Win Me!". So he proceeds to ask the bartender, "What's with all them ten dollar bills in the jar?" The bartender replies, "to win those you have to put in your ten, then you gotta perform three tasks: First you must down a whole gallon of tequila, without making a face, second I have an old rottweiller out back with a sore tooth that needs to be pulled, he's meaner n' sh#t, third you have to give my granny upstairs an orgasm. Nobody has made it past the first task." The man says, "sure there has to be at least a thousand ten dollar bills in there!" So he adds his ten, and downs the gallon of tequila without remorse. Then he proceeds out back to the dog, and everyone in the bar can hear the dog snarlin' and snappin' and yelpin'. The man walks back into the bar, clothes torn to pieces and bleeding all over and retorts "WheRe'Zz ThE gRAnDmA WitH ThA SorE TooTh?!"

2007-01-16 15:17:01 · 9 answers · asked by HeathersMaN 1

The tower of pisa got its lean when chuck Norris sneezed on it.

chuck Norris shaves with a lawnmower.

rain never falls on chuck Norris. the droplets evaporate at the sight of chuck Norris.

NASA was created by the witness protection program to give chuck Norris victims a place to hide

2007-01-16 15:08:27 · 7 answers · asked by jim 3

Ok so there is this blonde, and she is driving dow the road and she runs into the back of a turck driver. the truck driver gets out of the truck and starts yelling at the blonde. he tells sher that she is stupid, and he walks back to his truck and grabbs peice of chalk, draws a cirsle in the middle of the road and tells the blonde to step inside of the circle and no to get out. So of course she does. The truck driver goes back to his truck and grabs a baseball bat and returns to the blondes car ad beats in her winsheild. He turned to look at the blonde and saw that she was laughting, further enraging him, he keys her car and sees that the blonde is laughing even harder. He gets so mad that he slashes her tires and then sees that the is laughing hysterically. so he walks up to her and asks her what is so funny. The blonde replies, when you weren't looking, i stepped out of the circle three times!

2007-01-16 15:07:15 · 17 answers · asked by twigs421 2

2007-01-16 15:07:13 · 7 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.


Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

2007-01-16 14:51:04 · 17 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

IT CANNOT BE SEEN, CANNOT BE FELT, CANNOT BE HEARD, IT CANNOT BE SMELT. IT LIES BEHIND THE STARS AND UNDER THE HILLS AND EMPTY HOLES IT FILLS. IT COMES FIRST AND FOLLOWS AFTER, ENDS LIFE AND KILLS LAUGHTER. WHAT IS IT??

2007-01-16 14:45:01 · 11 answers · asked by loftboy 1

These two guys were talking at the bar. Guy #1 was talking about this time he went parachuting. He said it wasnt very fun. Guy #2 said why not? Guy #1 said because the instrutor was gay, Guy#2 said why is that bad? Guy #1 said that it wasnt that really, it was that the instructor had said that he was gay and if he did not surcome to his sexual advances, he would be forced to jump out off the plane! So guy #2 asked Did you jump? Guy #1 said Yeah A LITTLE..... AT FIRST!

2007-01-16 14:42:53 · 14 answers · asked by Baby Julie due 5/12 3

There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.

One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"

Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.

The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."

The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."

The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."

The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"

2007-01-16 14:37:50 · 12 answers · asked by moneyman_0101 2

i've already considered a tattoo that says 'insert p...s here'.

2007-01-16 14:37:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What if it's ugly out of spite for me?

2007-01-16 14:35:00 · 9 answers · asked by musclenbone 2

~~Okay, asked this question before and didn't get a good response. Hoping my title catches a few more eyes this time.

For my birthday this year, I'm planning to host a Murder Mystery Dinner.

For those of you who don't know what it is, it's pretty much like the movie Clue. You have guests arrive, knowing various facts about other guests. Then you have a dinner and then in the middle of it, someone is murdered and from there clues and interrogations are done and voila. Clue.

But my issue is...I'm making it myself, along with a friend, and we're trying to figure out a good plot with lots of twists. So if anyone has any ideas on a good plot, put it on here and please don't suggest "Get this kit!" i'm on a budget...which is why I'm doing this myself and I'd rather not pay for this myself. If you have a site that has good mystery stories, that works too.

I'm just looking for a good mystery plot.

2007-01-16 14:33:23 · 6 answers · asked by Aim 2

i've already considered a tattoo that says 'insert p...s here'.

2007-01-16 14:32:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the dripping gloom I see
a creature with broad antlers,
Motionless. it turns its head;
One gleaming eye devours the dark.
I hear it cough and clear its throat;
Then, with a hungry roar, it charges into the night
And is swallowed whole.


For 10 pts. What am I?

2007-01-16 14:31:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 14:22:18 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why people come on Jokes and Riddle and ask for a joke why they just gave one and make it fun.

2007-01-16 14:20:40 · 5 answers · asked by darkangel 2

tell me the funniest joke u ever heard,nothing grose please

2007-01-16 14:09:54 · 5 answers · asked by danielle d 2

i will appreciate the jokes....

2007-01-16 14:00:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wow!! Yahoo is BIG!! cool!
What i think will makes yahoos closed is;
1. The end of the world
2. Osama drop a battleship right on top Yahoo main server.
3. Mars Attack!! (Alien Invasion!)

2007-01-16 13:45:00 · 2 answers · asked by hyaki ikari 2

A man was drowning in the middle of the sea. After a while a fishing boat came near him and a man on the boat asked "Hey do u need some help?" The drowning man responded " No thanks God will save me." So the boat left. A couple of minutes later another boat comes near and a man asks him the same question "Hey do u need some help?" The drowning man responded " No thanks God will save me." After a while the man drowned and went to heaven,while there he met up with God and asked him " God why didnt u save me?" God responded " I sent u two boats dummy!"

2007-01-16 13:45:00 · 19 answers · asked by Jorge4 2

Artery.............Study of paintings

Bacteria............Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium..............What to do when treatment fails

Bowel................Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section....District in Rome

Cat Scan.............Searching for Kitty

Cauterize............Make eye contact with her

Colic................Sheep Dog

Coma.................Punctuation Mark

Congenital...........Friendly

D & C................Where Washington is

Dilate...............To live long

Enema.................Not a friend

Fester................Quicker

Genital...............Non-Jewish

Hang Nail.............Coat Hook

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known

Labor pain............Hurt at work

Morbid................Higher offer

Nitrate...............Cheeper than day

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient............Person fainted

Post op...............Letter Carrier

Recovery Room.........Place to apholster

Rectum................Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic.............Amorous

Secretion.............Hiding something

Tablet................Small table

Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport

Tibia.................Country in North Africa

Tumor.................More than One

Urine.................Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose..............Nearby

Vein..................Conceited

2007-01-16 13:38:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

2007-01-16 13:36:20 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night
of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't
mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

2007-01-16 13:33:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

2007-01-16 13:32:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world . . .

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

2007-01-16 13:28:36 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

The Colonel: "at ease,soldier"
The Corporal: "Sir!"
The Colonel: "Report back here @ 0800 hrs tommarrow, I've got this metal to give you.....Dismissed!"
The Corporal: "Yessir! and Oh THANK YOU sir!"
the corporal was so excited all night that he could barely even sleep! 'will it be the Bronze Star? or the Silver star?' the corporal wondered....
the Next morning at 0800 hrs the corporal presented himself in front of the The Colonel who was sitting at his desk.
and he saluted,...The Colonel returned his salute and said "at ease" then reached into his drawer and said "Here,CATCH!" and tossed him a piece of Shrapnel!
the corporal caught it and said "WhatsThis???!!!??"
The Colonel: "That's the 'MeTaL' that i was talkin about! Har HAr!! HAR!!!"

2007-01-16 13:28:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2007-01-16 13:26:46 · 22 answers · asked by Woody 3

Besides this one.

2007-01-16 13:25:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-16 13:25:29 · 19 answers · asked by DOMINATUS 3

A married man was cheating on his wife with the secretary.
One afternoon, the cheating couple snuck away from work and went to a local motel. They fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8:00pm.
Alarmed at the time, the two hurriedly got dressed and rushed to their respective homes. But before he went inside, the man stopped in his front yard and rubbed his shoes in the grass and mud.
“Where have you been!” demanded his wife he entered the house.
Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.
Through tears, the wife looked down at his shoes and said, “you liar! You’ve been playing golf.

2007-01-16 13:19:55 · 13 answers · asked by annie 5

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

2007-01-16 13:18:09 · 28 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3