Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.


Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
A: So they wouldn't shxt during the parade.


Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.


Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.


Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.


Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled.


Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?".

2007-01-17 01:22:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

............Hughie throws up all over himself; "Oh no, the wife will kill me when I get home!" Tom says, "Don't worry, Just put a £20 note in your breast pocket and tell the wife that some drunk threw up on you and gave you the £20 for the cleaning bill, simple. Right, it's your round!" So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Hughie stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time; "Look at the state of you! You're stinkin of booze and you've puked all over yourself! You're bloody disgusting! My mother was right about you!"
Speaking very carefully, Hughie says, "Now wait a minute here, I can explain everythin. Its no what ye think. I only had a cuppla drinks, but thish other guy was sick all over me...he'd 1 too many an' threw up all over me. He said he was very sorry an gave me £20 for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is £40..?" "Oh, yeah....I nearly forgot....he sh*t in my pants aswell!!!!!!

2007-01-17 01:18:23 · 32 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.


Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crxtches get wet.


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sxcking.


Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.


Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad brexth!


Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Cos they go and answer the fxcking door.


Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her txmpon is behind her ear!


Q: How is a blonde different than a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.


Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde - she is eighteen.

2007-01-17 01:16:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 01:15:44 · 37 answers · asked by manoj 1

Paddy Murphy owned a greyhound which he had racing that night. Sure the dog was going to win, he put his entire life savings on at 4/1, expecting to make a huge profit. Much to Paddy's chagrin, the dog ran stone motherless last.
Paddy, absolutely distraught, took his dog home and enough was enough.
He took the dog to the shed and tied it up. He grabbed his gun out of the cupboard and put it to his head. He noticed the dog was watching him.
"What are you looking at you useless mutt, you're next."

2007-01-17 01:07:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ***

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

2007-01-17 01:06:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 01:02:08 · 21 answers · asked by manoj 1

this is a greek joke. here in greece, when something goes wrong, we say arheethia, which is like s**t. the exact translation is actually testicles.

so, one day there are two bums walking down the street, and they see an old woman trying to cross the street, but she cant.
she sees the two bums and tells them that if they help her across the street, she will reward them. so they help her and she gives them each three eggs.she tells them every time they break an egg, they have a wish. so they take the eggs and each goes to their separate alleys. the first bum goes to his alley, breaks the firs egg, and wishes for his alley to be a big mansion. and it was. he breaks the second egg and wishes for the mansion to be filled with money. so it was. he breaks the last egg and wishes for his garage to be filled with the best cars and the best women. so it was. well, hes living fine and one day, he decides he wants to visit his old friend. so he goes, and he sees the same alley with the same bum in it. he asks him what happened and what he did with the 3 eggs. the other one says, "leave me alone, man. when i came into the alley, i dropped one and i said 'arheethia!' and the whole alley filled up with arheethia." the other guy says okay, but what did he do with the other two eggs. the bum tells him, "i broke the second egg to get rid of all the arheethia." the other guy says "well what did you do with the last one?"and the bum replies "i broke the last egg to get my own arheethia back"

2007-01-17 01:02:01 · 6 answers · asked by ferahgo777 1

it's a bit tight around the neck but it hangs well

2007-01-17 00:51:34 · 15 answers · asked by lee p 1

He bought a Warehouse.


(this is a joke, in the joke section please no one take offence)

2007-01-17 00:40:39 · 9 answers · asked by zed10096 1

I am bored and I have only been at work for 5 minutes. Make me laugh!

2007-01-17 00:33:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

On Q & A why does the answer lmao & roflmao mean?

2007-01-17 00:31:38 · 16 answers · asked by Loo 4

99 bottles of beer on the wall

2007-01-17 00:26:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"i am a thing ,teachers hate me, cows like me, gold also likes me&monkeys want to eat me.i am a 9 letter word.... below is mentioned my some of the words.

?o??m??y?.

2007-01-17 00:19:43 · 11 answers · asked by anu n 1

Editor: Hardly anyone can butcher the English language while putting their foot in their, respective, mouths like sports announcers and athletes. But the British are in a class all their own on this, as you'll agree after reading the following comments actually made by some of them (their names are in parentheses at the end of the end of each quote). Except where noted, they were covering soccer (football in Britain) matches. Note: These are much better when read aloud to friends.



1. And here's Moses Kiptanui -- the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman.)



2. "Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem." (Howard Wilkinson.)



3. "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." (David Coleman.)



4. "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker.)



5. After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson.)



6. On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush.)



7. "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe.)



8. Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."



9. "We actually got the winner three minutes from the end, but then they equalized." (Ian McNail.)



10. "Ahh! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter.)

2007-01-17 00:16:01 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah_6Wh_B1nLWuGq5YxRo3UTsy6IX?qid=20070114111340AAVqnHr

2007-01-17 00:06:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Husband says "just rub a bit of toilet roll between them fo a couple of months and they should grow extremely large"
Wife Says "Will that work?"
Husband "Well it Worked on Your A$$"

2007-01-17 00:05:39 · 12 answers · asked by zed10096 1

They can both stick their bills up their arses.

2007-01-17 00:04:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yes............No
No..............Yes
Maybe........No
We Need....I want
I'm sorry.....You'll be sorry
We need to talk.........You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead..........you better not
Do what you want......You will pay for this later
I'm not upset................Or course, I'm upset, you moron!
Your're attentive tonight......Is sex all you ever think about?



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry............I'm hungry
I'm sleepy.............I'm sleepy
I'm tired................I'm tired
Nice dress...........Nice cleavage!
I love you..............Let's have sex now
I'm bored..............do you want to have sex
May I have this dance...........I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime.......I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie.....I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you to dinner.........I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..........I'm gay!

2007-01-16 23:55:57 · 13 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

2007-01-16 23:53:17 · 2 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

2007-01-16 23:50:21 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Your Age In Chocolate


Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway--but the Hershey Man will know!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e, how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

2007-01-16 23:47:24 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

45 pounds!

2007-01-16 23:44:02 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

2007-01-16 23:42:00 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

New Taxi Driver

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

2007-01-16 23:40:27 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

2007-01-16 23:37:01 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

2007-01-16 23:36:10 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A woman goes into hospital for a Vaginal reduction op. Whilst recouperating she notices 3 cards on her bed side table
one from the nurses wishing her all the best for a speedy recovery
another from her family wishing the same and one from a man in the next ward thanking her for his new ears !!!

2007-01-16 23:33:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

2007-01-16 23:33:20 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A man walkes in to the doctors with a fried egg on is head and the doctor says why have you got a fried egg on your head the man replies because the hard boild egg keeps rolling off. was that funny?

2007-01-16 23:32:02 · 25 answers · asked by philip k 1