Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

I Want to say something
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>I L
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>I LO
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>I LOV
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>I LOVE
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>I LOVE Y
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>I LOVE YO
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>I LOVE YOGA
Jai Baba RAMDEV
Do yoga regularly and have a lovely day.

2007-01-17 05:31:07 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic,insomniac who laid awake all night contemplating the existence of dog

2007-01-17 05:25:03 · 8 answers · asked by eez_62 2

Dad why do we have names likes Running water, Blowing leaves, and Sitting buffalo, Well son it’s the Red Indian tradition, when your mother was giving birth in to you in the woods, whatever she sees or hears is what you will be named.
Now do you have any more questions grandpa farted?

2007-01-17 05:24:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A trucker was driving his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down the on them. He realized that they
were not about to get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of his cab and walked to the front of his truck. He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, "What the heck is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn ? You could have been killed!"

The man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concered and said, "Look I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

2007-01-17 05:23:06 · 2 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SP--M BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

2007-01-17 05:19:51 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

........... a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time...
No one moves......
He removes his shirt........
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps.....
He hands her the shirt "here iron this bit*ch then get me a beer!"

2007-01-17 05:18:36 · 6 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

2007-01-17 05:15:27 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

its from a "brain teaser" work sheet i am doing with some of my students. just wondering what people thought...

2007-01-17 05:12:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

well he's back in town, ha ha ha

2007-01-17 05:06:31 · 4 answers · asked by severedhead15 3

for their 40th anniversary that they went to on their honeymoon.

Husband: "Honey, do you want to go out back and make love up against the fence like we did that night?"

The wife agrees and they go out back a make mad passionate, thrashing love up against the fence. Unbeknownst to them there is a cop watching the whole thing. Unwilling to stop them, the cop waits until they are done to interrupt.

The husband expalins that it was their anniversary and they were re-enacting the first time they made love.

The cop said that he was impressed at their passion.

The husband says, "Forty years ago it wasn't an electric fence."

2007-01-17 04:58:47 · 9 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

'Before we enter the wilds of the Yukon,' warned the trapper, 'always remember that the deadliest creature in these parts is the Grizzly Bear. Nothing in the world can outrun a hungry Grizzly!'

Till remember that,' said Murphy. 'Don't you worry.'

For weeks on end the two trekked on towards the distant trading post until one morning the air was rent with an almighty roar.

'Say your prayers,' screamed the trapper. 'It's a hungry Grizzly.'

'I hear it,' called Murphy, pulling on a pair of running shoes.

'Forget the shoes,' cried the trapper. 'You can't outrun a hungry Grizzly.' 'No, but I can outrun you,' smiled Murphy.

2007-01-17 04:58:34 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need some good jokes i have not had one in like 2weeks

2007-01-17 04:54:27 · 12 answers · asked by inzo 1

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

"To blow out that candle you lit!"

2007-01-17 04:52:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Got to give you a few so this won't be too easy. Change each word around (they are unrelated) to get a fitting answer for each: 2-5 word answers.
Dormitory
Astronomer
The Morse Code
Slot Machines
A Decimal Point
Eleven Plus Two
The Eyes
Snooze Alarms
Election Results

2007-01-17 04:33:44 · 4 answers · asked by Quest 6

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

2007-01-17 04:19:47 · 24 answers · asked by δώδεκα 5

Why men have better friends:

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

2007-01-17 04:13:15 · 15 answers · asked by jj? 3

There were three Irish prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.

"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got €20 for a bl-w job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a bl-w job for 50 pence!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

2007-01-17 04:13:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Paddy.

Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Paddy, so he asks Ciara's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Ciara's father, "Ciara really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Paddy's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Ciara comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Paddy escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Ciara rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

2007-01-17 04:10:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2007-01-17 04:09:00 · 13 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

Can u smell gas?

the other says 'Smell gas? - I can't even smell my name'

2007-01-17 04:06:22 · 5 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

2007-01-17 04:01:32 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids.

(In small text): If you can read this, QUIT RIDING MY A$$!

Keep smiling, everybody loves an idiot.

2007-01-17 04:00:15 · 2 answers · asked by Maverick 6

Paddy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a leprechaun that lives there. "Ask the leprechaun to marry you and each time the leprechaun says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the leprechaun on the other side, sitting on a log.


"Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The leprechaun looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Paddy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The leprechaun rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- Paddy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Leprechaun, will you marry me?"

The irritated leprechaun yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

2007-01-17 03:56:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: Its the feeling a dyslexic gets when he thinks something has happened before.

2007-01-17 03:53:31 · 10 answers · asked by zed10096 1

A Man stand naked in front of his wife showing off his body
Man:"Look at that! 120 pounds of pure dynamite!"
Wife:"yes. Pity its only got a 2 inch fuse"

2007-01-17 03:47:33 · 16 answers · asked by zed10096 1

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex , and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

2007-01-17 03:47:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man goes into his doctor's office to get his yearly physical. While in there, the doctor asks how he's feeling.
"Doctor, I'm 80 years old. I have a 22 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that? "
The doctor thought for a second and said, "Let me tell you a story:
I have an elderly friend, much like yourself, who likes to stay active by hunting. Every year on the first day of the season he goes out with his rifle. Last year, however, he mistakenly gravved his cane instead of his gun. When he got to his post, he saw a huge beaver sitting in the middle of the path. He reached for his cane, only then realizing his mistake. But he still put the cane up, took aim, and imitated firing two shots. Out of nowhere, simultaneously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over, dead. Now tell me what you think of that?"

2007-01-17 03:44:25 · 10 answers · asked by Maverick 6

The physicist used to make a joke about a posteriori conclusions, as they are called.

“You know, the most amazing thing happened to me tonight,” he would say. “I saw a car with the license plate ARW 357. Can you imagine? Of all the millions of license plates in the state, what wad the chance that I would see that particular one tonight? Amazing!”

His point, of course, was that it is easy to make any banal situation seem extraordinary if you treat it as fateful.

2007-01-17 03:42:16 · 4 answers · asked by sprinting_turtle 5

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

2007-01-17 03:39:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Quick-sand.

Lol,
I'm an Arab, so no lectures.

2007-01-17 03:37:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous