Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-17 09:31:47 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

So a man was sitting, talking with God. The man says "God thanks for making women so attractive, but why did you have to make them so dumb?" And God replies "So they would be attracted to you"

Wango!

2007-01-17 09:29:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

2007-01-17 09:29:26 · 14 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

there once was a man from the city. he petted what he thought was a kitty. he gave it a pat and said nice kitty cat. then he burn his clothes what a pitty. (what animal?)

2007-01-17 09:28:18 · 11 answers · asked by carmenapple33 1

when he saw a turtle asleep on a log, he ambled over and kicked the turtle and sent him clear across the river.
What did you do that for asked a passing giraffe.
because he took a nip out of my trunk about 50 years ago, said the elephant
Wow what a memory you have, said the giraffe.
i know said the elephant. turtle recall.

2007-01-17 09:22:18 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

the cop asked the man....you dont have a scratch on you but just some blood on your pants from the horrible accident, and your girlfriend flew right out the front window....the guy says." Yeah, I know but, did you see what she had in her mouth when she went out the window"?

2007-01-17 09:17:57 · 9 answers · asked by The Emperor of Ecstasy 5

There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls? What is it?

2007-01-17 09:16:30 · 11 answers · asked by m.rought 1

Because it's all clogged up with paper plates.

2007-01-17 09:15:37 · 14 answers · asked by samootch 2

Forward I'm heavy, backwardI'm not. what am I ?

2007-01-17 09:10:27 · 11 answers · asked by m.rought 1

and says 'doctor i've got this steering wheel coming out my crotch....it's driving me nuts'. wa wa wa waaaaaaaaaa!!

2007-01-17 09:06:28 · 5 answers · asked by Katy W 3

A man was to be sentenced, and the judge told him, "You may make a statement. If it is true, I'll sentence you to four years in prison. If it is false, I'll sentence you to six years in prison." After the man made his statement, the judge decided to let him go free. What did the man say?

2007-01-17 09:04:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you drown a blond?

*Write scratch and sniff on the bottom of a pool"

2007-01-17 09:00:45 · 6 answers · asked by sexyvicky09104 1

My next door neighbour arranged to do a quigia board so anyway why he went up the shop his friends sneaked me in his house and i went and hid in his bedroom and put a sheet over me,when they got down to doing the board,i started making banging noises upstairs and making his door creak and after i heard him shiteing himself i walked down the stairs with the sheet over me,his wife pretended to pass out,he was so pettrified,lmao.A few of us a couple of weeks after also sent about 6 taxis at the same time to his house,we just stood in my front room with the light off looking out the window watching all these taxis pulling up and peeping there horns for him,lol.I also organised a game in my teenswhere this other person was involved,he was a right big headed tosser,we had to see who could pull the best wheelie on there pushbike,when it was his turn he pulled the wheelie and his front wheel came rolling off as i had undone his nuts on the wheel,me and my mates were rolling round with laughter

2007-01-17 08:57:05 · 35 answers · asked by Dave 6

Genie joke; hope ya don't mind.

There was a Canadian Farmer, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam. They were just having a coversation when the Canadian hit his foot on a bottle. The Canadian picks up the bottle and dusts it off and a genie comes out. The genie says "For releasing me, I will grant each of you one wish making it three in all." The Canadian says "Well my grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer, I'm a farmer, and my son will be a farmer; I wish that Canadian soil will forever be fertile." His wish is granted. Osama says "I wish there was an inpenitrable wall around the Middle East; this way no Jews, Christians, or infidels can get in." His wish is granted. Uncle Sam (having an engineers backgound) asks the genie about the wall. The genie says "It is 15,000 feet tall, 500 feet thick, and surrounds all of the Middle East; nothing can get in or out." Uncle Sam then says "Fill it with water."

2007-01-17 08:53:35 · 9 answers · asked by rvnfn520 2

what do you call a cow that won't give milk?

answer: a milkdud

what do you call a stick that doesnt come back?

answer: a stick!

what do you call a cow in a tornado?

answer: a milkshake

2007-01-17 08:49:39 · 13 answers · asked by BRITT! 2

There were these 3 construction ladies working on a buliding: a brunnette, a redhead, and a blonde. They sit down to eat their lunch at the top of the building. The brunnette opens her lunch and complains "If I have a turkey sandwitch one more time, i'll jump off this roof."
The redhead opens her lunch and says "If I have a ham sandwitch one more time, i'll jump off this roof."
The blonde opens her lunch and says "If I have PB&J one more time, i'll jump off this roof."
The next day, they all had the sandwitches, so they all jumped off the roof.
At the redheads funneral her husband leans over her dead body, and said "I wish I didn't pack her a ham sandwitch."
At the brunnettes funneral, her husband leans over her dead body, and said "I wish I didn't pack her a turkey sandwitch."
At the blondes funneral, her husband shrugged and said, "I didn't pack her lunch, she did."

2007-01-17 08:44:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

"The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

2007-01-17 08:39:31 · 28 answers · asked by Rican Princess 5

Dig a hole in the ground
Fill it full of ashes
Put peas around the top of the hole
When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ashhole

2007-01-17 08:36:00 · 10 answers · asked by happyday to you 7

a man put on cologne
when a llama walked in and said "wow it smells"
and he said "thats because i have cologne on"
the llama says "coal own?"
and the man said I OWN COAL, SO GO GET YOURS NOW!!

hilario!

2007-01-17 08:34:28 · 13 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

Doctor whenever me and my husband make love, he screams like a banshee when he climaxes.
Dont worry about it said the Doc, Its perfectly normal
But i do said the wife because it wakes me up.

2007-01-17 08:29:37 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Two nuns in a car when Dracula jumps on the bonnet and tries to get at them. The nun in the back shouts `press the windscreen wipers`! But, this has no effect and he keeps hanging on trying to get in. Then the nun shouts `Throw holy water at him`! Again this doesn`t stop him, just burns a bit. The nun in the back starts to panic and shouts out `show him your cross`! So the other nun winds the window down and shouts `get off my f***ing car`

2007-01-17 08:28:30 · 15 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-17 08:25:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.
With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking

2007-01-17 08:17:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

unfortunately when it was born it had no arms or legs, it was just a head. Still the Coppers loved and cared for their child spoiling it with love. Finaly after 20 years of caring they took a much needed break and on the cruise ship they met a Doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know "he said "how to attach arms and legs to your head to make him whole". The Coopers cut their trip short and rushed home into the room where the head lay in his crib." Honey, Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you "they shouted.

"Oh nooooooooooooooo "said the head," not another hat..."..

2007-01-17 08:14:43 · 9 answers · asked by chris w. 7

An old retired sailor put on his uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy of his age but needing some reassurance, he asked, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies "Well old sailor your doing about 3 knots! 3 knots?

The sailor asked, what's that supposed to mean?

She says "Your knot hard your knot in and your knot getting your money back

2007-01-17 08:13:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Bush Stamp

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

2007-01-17 08:12:30 · 10 answers · asked by ecogeek4ever 6

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a

smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy,obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand
she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

2007-01-17 08:11:56 · 29 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

what are some best dares and some best truth's u can think of

2007-01-17 08:11:22 · 3 answers · asked by Patty 2

what's the best and easy way to get on TV?

2007-01-17 08:09:22 · 16 answers · asked by Tuffx2 1

My favorite) Your moms so old when I told her to act her age she died. And your moms so old Mozart was in the top 40

2007-01-17 08:05:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous