Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accide

2007-01-17 10:45:41 · 18 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

and one of the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to patch up the dog house????

2007-01-17 10:41:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 10:40:25 · 12 answers · asked by xgreenerx2001 2

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

2007-01-17 10:37:23 · 27 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

no more thumbs down!?!?! i think im gonna DIE!!!!

2007-01-17 10:32:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

two women on there way back from a night out stop in a grave yard for a piss. one wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath. the two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says"id better watch my misses she came home last nite with no knickers"the other man says "thats fuckall,mine came back with a card wedged in her **** saying-we ll never forget you , from all the boys at the firestation"



20 stone woman getting ready for a fancydress says to her husband
"ive nothing to wear "...
he says"pull your pissflaps over your head and go as a sugar puff"



wife says to husband
"you spend over £50 a wk on beer"
husband says to wife
"you spend over £60 a wk on makeup"
wife says "thats to make me look lovely and attractive"husband says
"thats what the fookin beers for"

2007-01-17 10:30:01 · 33 answers · asked by missg 1

friend Ronald lives 38 miles past his cousin house, how many miles must john must travel to visit his friend?

2007-01-17 10:28:25 · 10 answers · asked by birdsdafly 3

There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted a drink she would raise her hand. She had very bad armpit hair.
The Bartender was getting really grossed out and told the man sitting at the bar that next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink.

One minute later she said, ''Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink.''

The bartender said no. The man sitting there said, ''Oh give the poor ballerina another drink.''

The bartender said, ''How do you know she is a ballerina?''

The man replied, ''Well anyone that can lift there leg that high must be a ballerina!''

2007-01-17 10:27:41 · 26 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

what is that at the beginning walks on 4,than on 2 and last on 3?

2007-01-17 10:21:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

here is a hard quiz for logical people

1. how do you put an elphant in a refrigerator?
2. how do you put an girrafe in a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King simba is born and every animal attend, who did not attend?
4. there is a swamp filled with crocodiles, how do you get across?

you need logic to answer these questions

2007-01-17 10:17:31 · 12 answers · asked by Nixmaster 3

House agent was showing a young Dutch woman around the property having viewed the the rooms downstairs he said:
"Come upstairs I will show you the bedrooms and den"
"And Den what?" she asked

2007-01-17 10:14:04 · 21 answers · asked by baaden 2

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the President of the bank because, she said, she had a LOT of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The President of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her big, overstuffed purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The President was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The President started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the President and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered with a little smile. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the President of the bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the President's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the President's testicles were square. The President confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The President was more than happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the President if she could touch them. "Of course", said the President. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the President noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall and wailing in despair.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !

2007-01-17 10:12:28 · 7 answers · asked by debi_0712 5

listen i had no money so borrowed 10$ from my friend to buy coke. on my way I lost them. so i borrowed 5 from another one. i bought coke for 3$ and got change 2$. so i gave 1$ to my one friend and 1$ to another. so i own them 13$ (9+4) but got coke for 3$ not for 2$ explain me this?????????????

2007-01-17 10:11:01 · 12 answers · asked by mail2evaldas 1

Turn off this awful music!

2007-01-17 10:08:04 · 4 answers · asked by dong weylong 2

1. you have 5 apples, you take 3 apples, how many there are now?
2. 4 fish jump in the water, 1 missed and died, how many fish got drowned?
3. there is a one story blue building, what is the color of the stairs?
4. 3 pregnant bear is in the woods, 2 got shot and died, how many are left?
5. there is 3 eggs, you break them to make an omelette, how many omelette do you make?

2007-01-17 10:05:05 · 24 answers · asked by Nixmaster 3

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

2007-01-17 10:04:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

they still have nothing to go on!

2007-01-17 10:02:36 · 10 answers · asked by Modern Major General 7

This is without using speed; it's a word phrase.

2007-01-17 10:02:01 · 5 answers · asked by kasar777 3

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

2007-01-17 09:57:23 · 23 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-17 09:48:38 · 16 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

- Motorists were asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.

2007-01-17 09:47:59 · 14 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance

2007-01-17 09:46:50 · 5 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

1. there is a blue one story building, what is the color of the stairs?
2. you have five apples, you took 3, how many are left?
3. your brother is bothering you. what do you do?

2007-01-17 09:45:13 · 23 answers · asked by Nixmaster 3

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, " Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, " What's the 6-pack for? "

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, " Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

2007-01-17 09:44:41 · 10 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

I had a close miss today.
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky

2007-01-17 09:43:53 · 13 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

2007-01-17 09:38:26 · 12 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
three counts

2007-01-17 09:37:16 · 9 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

A vampire's tea bag!


and ROFL @ reporting me for postng jokes you dont like.

2007-01-17 09:34:15 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

promoted.

I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off
the road"

2007-01-17 09:32:32 · 8 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

If so. list them here.

2007-01-17 09:32:17 · 2 answers · asked by americanmalearlington 4