Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

what do u think sea monster eat?

(2)what did the other dish say to the other dish?

2007-01-17 08:00:32 · 8 answers · asked by Tuffx2 1

in the window" the chap behind the counter looks up and says " sorry miss but we don't serve blondes in here " Shocked and a bit miffed she leaves the shop but on the way home buys some red hair dye thinking i'll fool him! Next day she's back in the shop with bright red hair but before she can speak the bloke looks up and says " sorry miss but i told you yesterday we don't serve blondes in here " Now she's really pissed, so she goes to her plastic surgeon and spends £3,000 on boob implants, then to her beauty salon and has her hair and eyebrows dyed black, and finally to the boutique for a new wardrobe and some dark glasses, Then back to the shop she walks seductively up to the counter, " Hello, i'd like to enquire about that Tv set in the window? " the bloke looks up " Not you again, how many times do i have to tell you we don't serve blondes in this shop !" utterly devastated she starts to leave but as she gets to the door she hears "by the way, that Tv set, it's a Microwave ! "

2007-01-17 08:00:09 · 27 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

Q..What gets longer when it's pulled, fits between your titts, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when it's jerked?


A...A seatbelt you pervert, buckle up and pass it on..

2007-01-17 07:58:32 · 10 answers · asked by maddferit 2

Girlfriend's Parents



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

2007-01-17 07:57:33 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5

hangover , regrets , a spilt glass of water ,the tv still on ? or something else

2007-01-17 07:55:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did God create men?

Because men can't mow the lawn.


Why are men faster than women?

They have a stick shift and ball bearings.


Mens shins - A device for finding furniture in the dark!


Whats the difference between Love, True Love and Showing Off?

Spit, Swallow and Gargle!


Sorry Men this is just a bit of fun :)

2007-01-17 07:55:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

baby polar bear said "Mammy what am I?" and mammy polar said "why you're a Polar bear dear " a bit later the baby polar bear said" mammy am I really a polar bear" mammy said " of course you are dear" a bit later the baby polar bear said "mammy are you sure I'm a polar bear" yes dear why do you keep asking that " and baby bear said "Cos I'm f***ing freezing"

2007-01-17 07:54:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a goat was eating poop
and someone asked him if it was good
and he said

"eez niiiiccee!!"

2007-01-17 07:52:05 · 6 answers · asked by Tristyn 1

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.



WHAT SHOULD YOU GIVE A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
A WOMAN TO SHOW HIM HOW TO WORK IT



WHY DON'T MEN HAVE MID-LIFE CRISES?
THEY STAY STUCK IN ADOLESCENCE



HOW IS BEING AT THE SINGLES BAR DIFFERENT FROM GOING TO THE CIRCUS?

AT THE CIRCUS THE CLOWNS DON'T TALK



WHAT MAKES MEN CHASE WOMEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF MARRYING?

THE SAME URGE THAT MAKES DOGS CHASE CARS THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DRIVING



WHY DO BACHELORS LIKE SMART WOMEN?
OPPOSITES ATTRACT



WHY ARE HUSBANDS LIKE LAWN MOWERS? THEY'RE HARD TO GET STARTED, EMIT FOUL ODORS, AND DON'T WORK HALF THE TIME



WHY DO MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT? BREASTS DON'T HAVE EYES



HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
ONE.....MEN WILL SCREW ANYTHING

2007-01-17 07:46:44 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

The teacher tells the students to make a phrase with these colors:pink,green and yellow.A student,Sarah,says:
"My dad brought my mom PINK flowers and she put them into the YELLOW vase which stood on the GREEN tablecloth"
"Well done,Sarah!"-says the teacher-"Can anybody else give us an extra example?".
And Tom says:"I was at home and the phone rings "GREEN-GREEN".I answer the phone and say "YELLOW?''.I hang it up and it sounds "PINK!''

2007-01-17 07:38:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing
up and down. The mom sees her son and
quickly dismounts, worried about what
her son has seen. She dresses quickly and
goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "what were
you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "well, you know your
dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have
to get on top of it and help flaten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled
"Well when you go shopping the lady next
door comes over and gets on her knees
and blows it right back up."

2007-01-17 07:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by Poker Face 6

2007-01-17 07:33:43 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three engineers in Silicon Valley were going out for a business lunch. They got in the car and set off. A few miles down the road, it spluttered and ground to a halt.

The Applied Materials Mechanical Engineer said, "Perhaps the fuel line's blocked".

The Hewlett Packard Electrical Engineer said, "Maybe the battery lead's come off".

The Microsoft Software Engineer said, "I haven't got a clue what's wrong with it, but if we all get out, and get back in again, then it might work".

2007-01-17 07:31:10 · 3 answers · asked by sprinting_turtle 5

blokes wife is in a coma!!! what can i do doc to bring her round , talk to her sing???
well there maybe one way!!! anything ill do anything!!!
oral sex !! what??? oh yes its known to stimmulate the nerves !!
well ok ill give it a go ,but im not to sure???
ill leave and give you some privacy !! ok
2mins later ,lights are flashing bells are ringing !!! flat lining on the monitor doc rushes in ,whats happened?????
did say i wasnt sure ? i think ive choked her

2007-01-17 07:30:27 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

It would cost you $1,250 to get to the roots of this ancient tree. Tell us what ancient tree I am talking about. Give the reasoning/proof for you answer.

2007-01-17 07:25:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 07:22:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!".

The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."

The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!

2007-01-17 07:21:10 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

2007-01-17 07:20:10 · 41 answers · asked by Tink 5

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

2007-01-17 07:18:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

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Did you hear about the FLASHER who was considering RETIREMENT ?

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He decided to STICK IT OUT for another year ; )

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10 points for answer with best one-liners

2007-01-17 07:18:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, his wife and mother-in-law were visiting Israel when the mother-in-law passed away.

Upon discussing details with the undertaker the couple were informed that they could have the mother-in-law flown home, at a cost of $5,000.00, or they could bury her in the Holy land for only $150.00.

Thinking about it the husband decided to fly the body home.

After the paperwork was completed, the wife was standing outside the funeral home when the undertaker asked the husband, "Why are you spending $5,000.00 when it would only cost $150.00 to have your mother-in-law buried here?"

The man answered, "Well, a couple of thousand years ago a man was buried here and three days later he rose again. I can't take that chance."

2007-01-17 07:17:29 · 19 answers · asked by Tink 5

A riddle I need the answer to. Please explain your answer.

2007-01-17 07:17:23 · 8 answers · asked by bribri75 5

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

2007-01-17 07:14:55 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

when its pulled,
fits between your t.its
inserts neatley in a hole
works best when jerked.


a seat belt so buckle up......

2007-01-17 07:14:38 · 12 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-01-17 07:12:28 · 19 answers · asked by Ahsan M 1

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

2007-01-17 07:07:18 · 33 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

3- men sitting in a sauna,
heard a bleeping sound.
the american pressed his arm...
and the beep stopped. thats my pager, i have a microchip in my arm...
phone rings ,japanise man puts paln to his ear...
that was my mobile i have a chip in my hand... irish man
not to be outdone, went to toilet ,came back with toilet paper hanging from his ****.the others looked at him....
bjesus,will you look at that, im getting a fax.

2007-01-17 07:04:20 · 36 answers · asked by missg 1

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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe ???

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Roberto

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10 points for answer with best one-liners

2007-01-17 06:57:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where the earth meets the sky a back lit canopy resides, illumensent diamonds strewn out on a blue plain to create a wonderous wake...

2007-01-17 06:55:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in?

2007-01-17 06:55:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous