Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

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Use your imagination.

2007-01-17 03:37:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

2007-01-17 03:34:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Old Man Goes Into Confession. The Priest Says "Tell me Your sins"
The Old Man say"Father, i'm 92 years old and yesterday i made love to 2 nineteen year old swedish twins"
The Priest says"" right for penance i want you to say 19 hail marys and-"
"hold on" say the Old Man "i'm not a Catholic"
Priest:"then why are you telling me this?"
Old Man "Father, I'm Telling everybody"

2007-01-17 03:29:32 · 5 answers · asked by zed10096 1

Rules for the phone:

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!

"GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ...

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English."

2007-01-17 03:26:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is kinda easy

what is something not seen nor heard but is easily lost?

2007-01-17 03:24:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 03:22:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...

BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...

BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

2007-01-17 03:18:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats ur 5 favourite fruit ? mine are
1 = cherry
2= grapes
3=watermelon
4=strawberries
5= sharron fruit

2007-01-17 03:18:03 · 30 answers · asked by ellie 2

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"?
The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church".

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".

2007-01-17 03:16:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

to do is to be-Descartes.

to be is to do-Voltaire.

do be do be do - Frank Sinatra x

2007-01-17 03:16:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Silly and sly sadist spitting spying sons of sammy the yakk

2007-01-17 03:09:37 · 19 answers · asked by Deamoanicka malice 1

i wuz just wonderin'

2007-01-17 03:00:32 · 5 answers · asked by Crazy Butterfly! 1

A Husband Comes home from Work Home and finds his wife in Bed With Another Man.
Husband:"What Are You Doing..?!"
Wife (to Other Man):" See....Told You He Was Stupid"

2007-01-17 02:49:53 · 6 answers · asked by zed10096 1

2007-01-17 02:46:14 · 2 answers · asked by Maria Laura 3

there's this comedian i just heard of recently, and i want to know if you know who he is, so i'll mention two things i saw him do on tv.
he had a picture of earth on a markerboard. under it, it said
"Self Portrait (from a great distance)."
the other thing was that he had a head drawn with crossed arms under it, and under the picture, it had written
"Skull and Crossbones (when he was still alive)"

2007-01-17 02:38:51 · 4 answers · asked by hotbigtoad 2

ready to see the doctor i said i dont know what kind of doctor is he she said he was a foot doctor i said yae i liked to see him cause i never seen a doctor that small

2007-01-17 02:35:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 02:29:13 · 7 answers · asked by jam master 1

Last week was my birthday. When I got up and went downstairs, my wife barely said "morning" yet alown "Happy birthday". My kids just walked out the door without saying a word. When I arrived at my office, my secretary, Jane, said " Good morning and Happy Birthday" This made me feel a little better that someone remembered. At 1:00 Jane asked "Since it's a nice day, why don't we go for lunch?" We went to a nice place, had a good meal and a couple of drinks. On the way back, she asked me " Since its a nice day, we don't have to go back to the office do we? Want to go to my apartment?" When we arived at her apartment, she said "Have a seat, I have to go to my room for a moment" After a couple of minuts, she came out with a birthday cake followed by my wife, kids and several of my co-workers.
I sat in silence on the coutch....
Naked.

2007-01-17 02:28:50 · 10 answers · asked by Lab 7

I have seen this LOL used in many replies but what does it mean?

2007-01-17 02:27:11 · 40 answers · asked by Andy S 2

One day, as a bull was walking through the woods, he sees a chicken gasping for breath at the base of a tall tree.
"Why are you out of breath, chicken?" he asked.
"Because I'm trying to get to the top of this tree, but I just don't have the energy to do it," the chicken replied.
"Oh, okay. Well you could try eating some of my dung as it is packed with nutrients and should help give you the energy to get up there."
The chicken guessed it was work a shot and started pecking at the bull's droppings. He found that he actually did have more energy and made it to the bottom branch of the tree.
The next day the chicken came out again, ate some more dung and found he could make it to the second branch of the tree.
This continued until the chicken finally reached the top of the tree.
As he looked out over the plains admiring what he had done, a hunter came by and shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bulls*it may get you to the top, but it won't keep you safe up there.

2007-01-17 02:20:32 · 8 answers · asked by Maverick 6

The following song is sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, love those summer nights"

Investigation Committee: "Oh Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah..... UH....
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to scrxw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sxxy - and makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me hexd, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't cxme in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"

2007-01-17 02:10:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 02:09:56 · 2 answers · asked by paula j 1

2007-01-17 02:08:59 · 15 answers · asked by NITIN D 1

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to takecare of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed".

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

To which Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.?

2007-01-17 01:59:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

(and answer!)

2007-01-17 01:53:22 · 13 answers · asked by Tha Shizzle 1

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.

One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother nxked and he asked what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pxbic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"























The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face with it.".

2007-01-17 01:47:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my dxck and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick..

2007-01-17 01:42:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to guess it gets a best answer! It's that easy!

2007-01-17 01:35:14 · 8 answers · asked by metakine 2

one day happy monkey boy's mom called for him come
eat

your food boy and he said okay

and went down stairs to eat
but then he triped and fell in a hole somewhere

and he went to hospitail , and didnt get to eat his food


the moril of the story is to not say no to food unless your Thin

2007-01-17 01:33:25 · 10 answers · asked by butter 1

a frog walks into a bank for a loan the teller named patricia whacker asks him what kindof caliteral he has he says he has a cermaic elephant she says hold on let me ask my superviser she tells the superviser that there is a frog wanting a loan and she shows him the elephant she says i dont even know what this is he says its a knick-knack patty whack give the frog a loan ha ha

2007-01-17 01:24:56 · 8 answers · asked by kimsturn 1