Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-17 22:03:09 · 29 answers · asked by tom c 1

Jade, Jo, and Danielle are lost in the dsert when suddenly a genie appears, and grants them each a wish.
Danielle ask for asks for an umbrella.
"What do you want an umbrella for?", the genie asks, "it doesn't rain in the desert".
"So I can keep the sun off me and Ill always be in the shade" The umbrella appears.
Jo asks for lots of water, so when she's thirsty she can drink it to quench her thirst. The water appears.
Jade asks for a car door.
"What do you want a car door for?", asks the genie
"So if it gets too hot, I can wind down the window"

2007-01-17 21:53:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 21:52:18 · 5 answers · asked by booge 6

One day in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to a buddy, "My elbow hurts like hell I reckon I better see a doctor". His buddy replies "Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money, there's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart, just take a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong with you, and what to do about it, it takes 10 seconds, and costs 10 dollars." "A lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample, and takes it to Wal-mart, he puts in 10 dollars, & the computer asks for the urine sample, he pours the sample in the slot an 10 seconds later the computer lights up, and ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy activity, it will improve in two weeks." That evening thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife, and daughter, and ma$turbated into the mixture.........

2007-01-17 21:51:11 · 2 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

3 Nuns were waiting to enter the Kingdom of Heaven after being involved in the most horrific car accident you have ever seen! On the arrival of Saint Peter the Nuns became most excited and started running for the door when St Peter said:

"You will each have to answer a question before you enter the Heaven"

"I will call each of you to the gates and ask you the question, which you must answer truthfully. On giving a satisfactory answer you will be admitted to the Heaven. If you lie ... then it is the fires of Eternal Damnation for you" Being God fearing people the Nuns all agreed to the conditions and the first Nun went up to the Gate.

"Sister" said Saint Peter "Have you ever touched a Mans penis"

At this the first Nun nearly fainted. She went deeply red and looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her. Looking at the Nun Saint Peter said ... "You must confess all before admittance to Heaven". Looking most dejected ... the Nun said "I have to be honest. I did once touch a mans penis with the very tip of this finger. I was curious and it looked so funny." she said holding out her right index finger.

Saint Peter smiled at the Nun and said "Sister, you will be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven once you have dipped the tip of your right index finger into the Holy Water held in the font to your left"

Practically skipping over to the font the Nun dipped her finger into the Holy water and was promptly admitted into the Kingdom of Heaven. The second Nun has been watching this and approached Saint Peter. The same question was asked of the second Nun, "Sister" said Saint Peter "Have you ever touched a mans penis"

Again, the second Nun looked horrified at being asked such a question, but offered her answer forward a little easier than the first Nun. "Saint Peter" she said "I have to admit that I once let a mans penis enter my vagina. It was before I entered the Convent and I didn't much enjoy it. In fact it was a bit of a let down."

Saint Peter smiled at the Nun and said "Sister, you will be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven once you have dipped your vagina into the Holy Water held in the font to your left" Willingly she did this and was entered (practically running) into the Kingdom of Heaven

Well, you see, the third Nun had been watching this and not feeling at all abashed she stormed up to Saint Peter and said "NOW LISTEN HERE BUSTER ... IF YOU THINK I'M GARGLING WITH HOLY WATER AFTER SHE JUST PUT HER FANNY IN IT YOU CAN THINK AGAIN".

2007-01-17 21:50:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alphabetti spaghetti for ghosts?

Ooooooooooo.

2007-01-17 21:49:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor

2007-01-17 21:35:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer "They ARE the gifts wrappers."

2007-01-17 21:33:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Margaret, Ethel, Dorothy and Maud are sitting in the country club, discussing how successful their sons are:

Ethel looks at the others, smugly, and says
"My son is a succesful IT consultant. He just got £30,000 bonus and bought a Rolex Watch"

Maud, isn't impressed.
"My son works for a City law firm. He's just been given a £200,000 bonus, and brought a Porsche Carrera sports car"

Dorothy just smiles.
"well, I suppose that it's quite nice to be given bonuses, but my son owns his own business, his company has just announced record profits and, to celebrate, he has bought a lovely little villa in Tuscany"

all eyes swivel expectantly to margaret
"well my son is a male prostitute.


He has some *very* rich clients,


and they are always giving him little presents here and there.


He's had a very successful year.


In fact, just recently, three of his best clients gave him a Rolex watch, a Porsche Carrera sports car, and a lovely little villa in Tuscany"

2007-01-17 21:28:43 · 13 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

2 guys are sitting at a bar drinking beers.

Guy 1:You know I heard the best fraudian slip the other day.

Guy 2: Says whats a fraudian slip?

Guy1:Says um, well...its like when you say something, but you said what was really on your mind.

Guy 2: Oh I get it. Yesterday when I wanted to ask my wife to pass the orange juice please, I accidentally said ***** you ruined my life.

Gay 1: Yep

2007-01-17 21:13:17 · 4 answers · asked by D 4

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them
sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

2007-01-17 21:00:20 · 12 answers · asked by ? 3

what color is the last guy who is standing in a row with the other two wearing if all the three were facing in one direction away from the caps?

2007-01-17 20:53:56 · 2 answers · asked by Ahmed I 1

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.



HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"



COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

2007-01-17 20:47:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, sits at his regular table and he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send over the most expensive bottle of Chianti he has to her. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:

"Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari F50, a BMW 760iL, and a Lamborghini in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

2007-01-17 20:43:35 · 8 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

because son all appliances come in white

2007-01-17 20:40:22 · 25 answers · asked by blonde286021 2

2007-01-17 20:39:18 · 7 answers · asked by inquisitor 2

Can you wait here till I return from the toilet? Thanks...

2007-01-17 20:37:40 · 2 answers · asked by Stevie G 2

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

2007-01-17 20:35:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too."
"My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

2007-01-17 20:32:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

someone asked this question in this room:
Does the moon STILL exist?

and person replied the below answer:
Yes. Even though you can't see it, my moon is full under my pants


what actually he meant? plzzzzz i am confused and curioius to know the right clue and puzzle. it looks to me a secret and hidden phyillospical statement

2007-01-17 20:15:50 · 5 answers · asked by Robert P 1

2007-01-17 20:00:29 · 8 answers · asked by Geek 1

This riddle is based on a casino that charges an enty and an exit fee (stupid I know) but lets go along for the fun of it!!

Tom walks into the casino with a (X) amount of cash and pays $5 as entry fee.
He then gambles and doubles all of his remaining cash.
Then he leaves the Casino and pays the $5 exit fee.
He goes straight to another casino with his winnings and again pays $5 as entry fee.
He then gambles and again doubles all his remainig cash.
He then leaves the casino and pays $5 as exit fee. After paying this he has no money!
How much money did he carry before he went to the first casino?

2007-01-17 20:00:28 · 8 answers · asked by hs671 2

Cos He's Got Little Legs!

2007-01-17 19:55:46 · 18 answers · asked by sam h 1

A Pepsi salesman goes out into the jungles far, far away and is gone for a long time. The office back home starts getting worried about him, so they send out a big search party looking for him. They trek around for a couple of days, and eventually find a trail of Pepsi cans. They ask one of the natives in the village if he had seen the guy who had all these cans. "Oh, yes, we ate him."

"What? You ate him? You mean you ate all of him?"

"Yes, we ate him all up."

"Like everything? You ate all of him? You ate his arms and legs?"

"Yes."

"You ate his head, and his stomach?"

"Yes."

"What about his thing, did you eat that too?"

"Nope, we didn't eat his thing. Things go better with coke."

2007-01-17 19:51:30 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 5 guys playing poker. One got really pissy after losing, pulled out a pistol and shot a single bullet. One Gun, One Bullet, One Shot. They all died including the shooter. How did they die?

2007-01-17 19:47:17 · 11 answers · asked by elidet_reyes 3

2007-01-17 19:10:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHO AM I
Adam, God made out of dust,
But thought it best to make me first.
So I was made before man,
To answer God's most holy plan.
A living being I became,
And Adam gave to me my name.
I from his presence then withdrew,
And more of Adam never knew.
I did my maker's law obey,
Nor ever went from it astray.
Thousands of miles I go in fear,
But seldom on earth appear.
For purpose wise which God did see,
He put a living soul in me.
A soul from me God did claim,
And took from me the soul again.
So when from me the soul had fled,
I was the same as when first made.
And without hands, or feet, or soul,
I travel on from pole to pole.
I labor hard by day, by night,
To fallen man I give great light.
Thousands of people, young and old,
Will by my death great light behold.
No right, no wrong can I conceive,
The scripture I cannot believe.
Although my name therein is found,
They are to me an empty sound.
No fear of death doth trouble me,
Real happiness I will never see.
To heaven I shall never go,
Or to Hell below.
Now when these lines you slowly read,
Go search your Bible with all speed.
For that my name is written there,
I do honestly to you declare.

2007-01-17 18:35:16 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6

Son: "Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"
Dad: "Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, don’t it!"

Son: "Well why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
Dad: "Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feels good, not your finger!"

Son: "Then why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"
Dad: "Would you like it if a stranger comes along and sticks his finger in your nose?"

Son: "When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want to have sex?"
Dad: "If your nose is bleeding, would you still want your finger in your nose?"

Son: "Dad, one last question ... why don't guys like to wear condoms when they make love?"
Dad: "Ever try picking your nose wearing a glove?"

2007-01-17 18:31:23 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

2007-01-17 18:27:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

...you can't remember how to spell I.Q.
...you can't remember the number for 911
...you just discovered that your AM radio also works in the afternoon
...you fail Physical Education
...you cannot spell 'it'
...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!
...you think Taco Bell is a mexican phone company
...you think pigpen is something to write with
...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles
...you frequently misspell your name
...you walk your kid to school because you are in the same grade!
...it takes you 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
...you sell your car for gas money
...you try thinking and nothing happens!!!
...you think a quarterback is a refund...
...you cook minute rice for an hour
...upon approaching a traffic sign that says 'STOP AHEAD' you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.
...you lose $25 on a horse race and another $25 on the instant replay!
...you get tangled up in a cordless phone
...you need to be reminded to breathe
...you return a donut back because there is a hole in it...
...you stare at the orange juice because it says concentrate
...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point the gun to your head 'cause she's next!
...you get fired from volunteer work

2007-01-17 18:25:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous