Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Two guys -- one married, one single -- are discussing life. The single one says to his friend, "How's your sxx life after twenty years of marriage?"

The married man responds "We've been into S&M for some time."

"S&M?" the single guy asks.





















"Yeah," says the married guy. I snore and she mxsturbxtes."

2007-01-18 03:10:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred had a black eye, so his friend said how did you get that Fred. Well it's like this you see. I was sitting behind a lady in church last Sunday, and when we stood up her dress was stuck in the crack of her bum, so I leant over and pulled it out for her. She turned round and gave me a black eye. The next week Fred was talking again to his friend and he said, I see you have another black eye, how did that happen? Fred said, remember that womean whose dress I pulled out from the crack of her bum, well I thought I had better put it back where it belonged, but she gave me another black eye!

2007-01-18 02:46:36 · 10 answers · asked by Plato 5

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sxxy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to sxck the life out of those big txts and scrxw your brains out!'"

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished."

2007-01-18 02:44:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man must get a sheep a wolf and a cabbage from one island to the other.But he can olny put one at a time in his boat.but if he leaves the wof and the sheep alone then the wolf will eat the sheep but if he leaves the sheep and the cabbage then the sheep will eat the cabbage.So what must he do?

2007-01-18 02:42:18 · 10 answers · asked by dave94o 1

They all have crystal balls!

2007-01-18 02:39:45 · 12 answers · asked by Plato 5

42?

2007-01-18 02:38:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everybody knows at least one Irish joke. People in the UK probably. I wonder why? What's about Irish nation? Why they've got jokes about them?

2007-01-18 02:36:00 · 4 answers · asked by :( 4

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erction. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister". When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $300 a month.

2007-01-18 02:32:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 02:30:32 · 12 answers · asked by woodchip1960 2

The doctor puts his hand down the mans trousers and pulls out a steering wheel,

The man says "that's better, that's been driving me Nuts"


.

2007-01-18 02:26:35 · 13 answers · asked by jabelite 3

o)(o) perfect brexsts

( + )( + ) fake silicone brexsts

(*)(*) high npple brexsts

(@)(@) big npple brexsts

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra brexsts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold brexsts

(o)(O) lopsided brexsts

(Q)(O) pierced brexsts

(p)(p) hanging tassels brexsts

\o/\o/ Grandma's brexsts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door brexsts

|o||o| android brexsts

2007-01-18 02:25:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their sho p, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

2007-01-18 02:20:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

You could pick ur friends, u could pick ur nose, but u cant pick ur friend's nose unless ur wierd....

2007-01-18 02:20:04 · 14 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sxx shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddxldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dxldos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffxxcccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

2007-01-18 02:19:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats going on...the whole worlds going mad over it..if your in the uk or india you will know exactly what im talking about
its about the uk programe big brother

2007-01-18 02:17:41 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

With out chopping your arm off first!

2007-01-18 02:11:48 · 23 answers · asked by jabelite 3

An irish man goes into a newsagents and puts a pound on the lottery and wins three million, the next day he goes back to the shop and tells the shop keeper that he has won three million pounds the shop keeper says I havent go that amount in the till what I will do is give you a million today a million tomorrow and a million the day after that and the irish man says dont mess me around give me my pound back im not playing. was that funny?

2007-01-18 02:11:47 · 8 answers · asked by philip k 1

Women's T-shirts
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kxnky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and pxss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

2007-01-18 02:03:42 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lamest gets best answer

2007-01-18 02:00:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad

2007-01-18 01:59:31 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

2007-01-18 01:56:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 01:53:42 · 6 answers · asked by John M 1

I Am Glad I Am A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erxctions
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your bxtt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
I don't go around "readjusting" my crxtch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crck .

2007-01-18 01:50:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 01:29:46 · 18 answers · asked by tiguera01 1

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. every one knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. every one uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.What is it? _______gry?

2007-01-18 01:25:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

January 1, 2009


HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT Hillary Clinton

Was sworn in today as President.

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her
first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.




FIRST NIGHT




Suddenly!

The ghost of George Washington appears to her,

and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."





SECOND NIGHT





The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"



Jefferson says,
"Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."







THIRD NIGHT







On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"


Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

2007-01-18 01:21:29 · 11 answers · asked by i totally agree with you!! not 3

2007-01-18 01:19:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 30th person will win 10pts, if answerd nice. If less than 30 people answerd the first one to answer positive wins.

2007-01-18 01:06:31 · 35 answers · asked by Kmart 2

At 1 of my old jobs,i was sitting there having my break and i thought to myself what the fcuk is everyone looking at me for.When i went to pick my cup of t up it was stuck solid to the workbench and everyone just pis*sed themselves laughing at me,twa*s.The cup was stuck so much my mate who did it had to get a hammer and chissel to move it,as he had used araldite to stick it.He also tryed to get me again by putting a callout for me to go to the stores,he had put a plastic cup of water on top of the door but i noticed it before i walked in,so i grabbed it and threw it over him,lol

2007-01-18 00:58:02 · 13 answers · asked by Dave 6

I was in Bracknell yesterday when I saw that a man was spreading white powder on the road ,

so I asked "Why are you spreading white powder on the road"

"To keep the wild Elephants away" He repilied

"But there aren't any wild elephants in Bracknell" I protested

"I know, it's good stuff isn't it?"

2007-01-18 00:45:43 · 18 answers · asked by jabelite 3