Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Frank and Paul were elves in Santa's workshop who had invented a new toy. It was an Ewok chess set, with real hair on the pieces. They were showing it to Santa and noting the popularity of Star Wars stuff. Frank said, " Paul wants to keep the prototype for his collection." As they discussed this new item, Santa's pet Kolala, he'd picked up in Australia, got out of bed and joined them. Santa wanted him to go back to bed and the Kolala became irritable and tossed the chess set all over the floor. Santa, not wanting to ruin his reputation for being jolly, just too a sleigh ride to cool off.

And you could hear him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
Give the hairy chess mess to Paul,
and Kolala, Good Night!

2007-01-18 08:52:41 · 9 answers · asked by James M 5

Two old women talking

1- What's going on at your house?
2- Well, last night, I sent my husband out to the garden to cut a cabbage for supper, and he keeled over dead with a heart attack.
1- Oh? What did you do?


















































2- I opened a can of peas instead.

2007-01-18 08:47:30 · 5 answers · asked by James M 5

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

2007-01-18 08:47:21 · 13 answers · asked by kay 2

2007-01-18 08:47:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

just to increase you chances of being picked best answer???

2007-01-18 08:44:48 · 33 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

The war had just started and I, a teacher, was on spring break. I had been talking online with a Time/Life photographer named Susanna Mitchell. I told her I had this time off and she offered me a free trip to Iraq. She had to cover some fluff pieces in a little town just across the border from Kuwait called Alharama and had no assistant as they were covering the war. So, I went. We filmed for three days in this safe border town and I could say I was "IN Iraq" during the war. On board the plane home, I requested a cup of joe. It was awful coffee, and at the first bump, it scalded my knee. Back at JFK, homeland security wouldn't let me back in as the paperwork specified " assistant" but didn't name me. Susanna and this Barney Fife of homeland security began to argue and she broke down in tears. I said,



" Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me. I come from Alharama, with bad joe on my knee.

2007-01-18 08:39:27 · 3 answers · asked by James M 5

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"


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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

2007-01-18 08:37:48 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

Not born, but from a Mother's body drawn, I hang until half of me is gone. I sleep in a cave until I grow old, then valued for my hardened gold. What am I?

2007-01-18 08:31:37 · 22 answers · asked by Maverick 6

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

2007-01-18 08:24:00 · 16 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

A drake and a duck in a hotel bedroom. They want to have 5ex but have no condoms. So the drake says "I'll go to get some from the in-house phamacy." The pharmacist says "Shall I put them on you bill?"

Answer 1. Drake says "No I'll suffocate!"
or
Answer 2. Drake says "No, do you think I am a pervert or something?"

Also Funny or not?

2007-01-18 08:18:50 · 24 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

And when I get back I want some answers OK?

2007-01-18 08:12:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 08:10:24 · 11 answers · asked by gwendolynn 1

sorry, bit emotional at pres

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2007-01-18 08:09:00 · 20 answers · asked by qwerty 3

somebody cheer me up. tell me a joke or something great thats been going on in your life.

2007-01-18 07:57:16 · 7 answers · asked by i totally agree with you!! not 3

Blonde just to please old rich Jock......wiggles her way out on to the veranda where old jock is having his last pipe as the sun is setting sitting rocking gently in his rocker.....Jock she drawls ah just been an bought this see through night dress and look I got a tartan one jus for youuuu.........Old Jock glances up and says...Aye it's mighty fine but since when did they start wearing the sporran on the inside....lol!!!

2007-01-18 07:55:10 · 9 answers · asked by William C 2

Bear in the woods gaging for a sh-t, backs himself up against a tree and drops his load, just then a rabbit walkes past, says hello to the bear, bear asks the rabbit do you have a problem getting sh-t of your fur? rabbit says no, so the bear pickes him up and wipes his **** with him

2007-01-18 07:50:01 · 9 answers · asked by compo 2

A man calls the hospital telling them his wife's water is breaking.
man:hello maam, my wife's water is breaking please help!
nurse on phone:ok sir, please calm down. please slow down.
man:ok PLEASE HELP SHE SAYS IF I DONT THIS BABY OUT OF HER SHE'LL KILL ME!!
nurse:ok tell us ur address.
(man tells them address)
nurse:we"ll be there shortly. now i want you to tell me this, is this her first child.
man: WT....NOTHIS IS HER HUSBAND!

2007-01-18 07:48:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 07:46:19 · 11 answers · asked by Melissa 5

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the French Riviera, and....."

2007-01-18 07:45:54 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl fell asleep during church. Then the teacher asked her "Who created the heavens and the earth?" The kid behind her stabbed her with a pen and she said "God Almighty!" And she was right so she went back to sleep. Later the teacher asked her "Who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" The kid stabbed her with the pen and she said "Jesus Christ!" And she was right so she fell asleep again. Then the teacher asked her "What do you think Eve said to Adam after she had her 32 child?" The kid behind her stabbed her with the pen again and she stood up and shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'm going to snap it in half!"

2007-01-18 07:35:17 · 25 answers · asked by ? 2

> >> >
> >> "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
> >> things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy
> >>
> >> > "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
> >> > --Steve Martin
> >>
> >> "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
> >> you'd better have a good hand."
> >> > --Woody Allen
> >>
> >> "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
> >> night."
> >> > --Rodney Dangerfield
> >>
> >> "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
> >> unimportant."
> >> > --George Burns
> >>
> >> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
> >> relationships."
> >> > --Sharon Stone
> >>
> >> "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
> >> > --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
> >>
> >> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****"
> >> > --Jack Nicholson
> >>
> >> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
> >> he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> >> > --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara
> >> > had a sense of humor)
> >>
> >>
> >> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> >> > --Billy Crystal
> >>
> >> "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
> >> undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
> >> women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
> >> just grateful."
> >> > --Robert De Niro
> >>
> >> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
> >> having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
> >> swelling. So what's the problem?"
> >> > --Dustin Hoffman
> >>
> >>
> >> "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know
> >> what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
> >> > --Jerry Seinfeld
> >>
> >>
> >> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
> >> and just give her a house."
> >> > --Rod Stewart
> >>
> >> > "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
> >> > enough blood to run one at a time."
> >> > --Robin Williams

2007-01-18 07:31:31 · 12 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

Three girls; a brunette, a red-hair and a blonde were lost in the desert. They were very desperate and were dying from the sunrays and thirst ...when suddenly, they found a magic lamp and they rubbed it. Suddenly, a genie came out and cried: "You've set me free! Everyone of you has a wish that I must fulfill for her! Ask for your wish!" The brunette at once exclaimed "Oh! Send me back to my lovely home where there is my husband, my kids and all those whom I love! And my living too!" So the genie returned her home. The red-haired then cried " Send me home where my garden is, where my pets are and where my lovely neighbours live by!" and so the genie returned her home. Now came the blonde. The genie found her weeping, so he asked her "What's your wish?" The blonde then looked at him and said "Why those two cowards went away and left me alone here! Bring them back to me please!"

2007-01-18 07:29:11 · 9 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says:

"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

2007-01-18 07:14:54 · 20 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

bloke pulls up and parks his car , in a very suspect area !!
gets out, three kids come up and say "watch your car mate for a fiver??"
dont be soppy my rotwielers in the back !!
puts out fires then does it?????

2007-01-18 07:11:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I work on the show, doing makeup and know all three personally. Sophia isnt liked by a whole lot of people wondering what y'all thought. Who is your favorite and why?

2007-01-18 07:08:37 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they're easier to amuse

2007-01-18 07:05:47 · 6 answers · asked by jenny 4 5

Anaemic...(A knee mick)

2007-01-18 07:05:37 · 6 answers · asked by mizzsquitz 3

...and says her house is on fire!!

Fireman asks '' how do we get there.?

She replies ''ERR HELLO...? in the red fcuking lorry!!!

2007-01-18 06:55:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were fiercely playing togehter "Your rook!" one said "Check!" the other blonde replied"Your queen is trapped!" shouted the first one. "Checkmate!" cried the second one. Seeing they've spent too much time, the waiter came by and took away the dominos from them!
Two blondes riding a bicycle quarrelled over which one would sit beside the window!
A silly patient went to a blonde doctor. He then completely covered his eye with his hand and said "Doc! I don't know why when I put my hand on my eye like that I don't see with it?" "No problem!" the blonde doctor replied. She pierced his hand!
A blonde entered an IQ test competing alone; she took the third place!
A blonde bought a filter. Finding out it was full of holes, she returned it back!
A blonde wanted to insult her husband, so she stood on top of a table, looked at him and told him "Why you low creature!"

A blonde began to understand at last; she was struck dead!

A blonde died; she hid the news from her family!

2007-01-18 06:49:21 · 13 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

2007-01-18 06:47:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous