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Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

He laid her on the table, so white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast.
Then drooling felt her thigh.
Da slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry. T
he hole was wide!
He looked inside, all was darkand murry.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
Then STUFFED THE turkey!
What wur u thinkn u dirty minded dude!

2007-01-18 06:44:55 · 27 answers · asked by tyana 2

1] What is Hawkeye's full name?
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2] Who does Charles Emerson Winchester replace?
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3] What happenes to Henry Blake when he's heading home?
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4] Why is the "goodbye" in the last episode such a big deal to BJ and Hawkeye?
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5] Name all the main characters? [the ones who appeared in "all" the episodes?
]

2007-01-18 06:44:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was standing at a bus stop outside a jewellery shop, a mini screeched to a halt....an elephant jumped out picked up a brick with it's trunk smashed the window with it, sucked up all the jewellery on display with it's trunk jumped back in the mini and sped off. The guy was flabbergasted...few minutes later the cops screeched to a halt and said to the guy did you see anything...the guy says you are not gonna believe this and told him the story....cop says okayyyy can you give me a description, the guy looked at him and says well big, wrinkly, grey....ermmm........ the cop says was it an African or Indian Elephant the guy says I dunno the difference...the cop says an African has big ears and an Indian has small ears...the guys says I dunno it was wearing a balaclava.....lol!!

2007-01-18 06:36:08 · 17 answers · asked by William C 2

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.





Oooh I hang my head in shame!

2007-01-18 06:36:06 · 28 answers · asked by Tink 5

You have to have it, you need it and this is the only place you can get it.....oh yeah, it is a Bureacracy (sp) what now?

2007-01-18 06:35:02 · 5 answers · asked by Wood Smoke ~ Free2Bme! 6

I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.

She was sent by DHL next day delivery

2007-01-18 06:33:11 · 11 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

known to exist.

They've obviously never been to the Fish and Fry Chippy on the Peckham Road.

2007-01-18 06:31:13 · 7 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

a third of whom do not even know that they have it.

Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

2007-01-18 06:28:46 · 13 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

A judge says to the defendant, "The charge against you is first degree murder of your neighbor, Mr. John Smith. How do you plea?"
The defendant responds, "I plead guilty, Your Honor."
The judge looks at the man and says, "Okay. Even though there is substantial evidence to prove your guilt, along with your own admission of guilt, I cannot sentence you."
And with that, the man is let go.

How did this man get off with no punishment?

2007-01-18 06:26:55 · 19 answers · asked by Maverick 6

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than meets the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer
is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

2007-01-18 06:21:15 · 7 answers · asked by jazz_lover_25 3

A blonde wanted to hunt a rabbit, so she hid behind a tree and imitated the voice of a carrot!

A blonde found a pierced nickel so she went to the welder and welded it for a dime! Knowing that her also blonde cousin told her that she was st*pid and finding another pierced nickel, her cousin took he to the same welder and asked him "for how much would you weld this nickel?" "For a dime" was his answer. "No! That's too much" the cousin said. "Then for a nickel" the welder answered. The cousin then said "Yeah! That's fair enough; weld it and take it!"

A blonde went to the market and found apricots displayed. She said "Oh my God! All this great amount of boiled eggs' yolk?!"

A brilliant blonde told her friend "Didn't you know? I fooled the operator!" "How?" asked her friend.The blonde answered "Well, I paid for an hour's call, but I talked for only 5 minutes!!!"

Well, I hope all blondes would forgive me because I really love'em very much! Sorry! But people must laugh! Cheers!!!

2007-01-18 06:13:50 · 8 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

2007-01-18 06:13:17 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

A man is in court. The Judges says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “And that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbour".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "No, you’re Honour, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!

2007-01-18 06:08:38 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a
woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's
office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at
9:30 am.


I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.


The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able
to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.


I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting roo

2007-01-18 06:05:37 · 10 answers · asked by rrcoyote 2

Missing Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-01-18 06:02:34 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

You know those losers who think they are clever or sexy because they can juggle with three or more balls?

Well I have 3 babies. My daughter is just over a year and my wife has just had twin girls last week.

WELL BEAT THIS? I managed to juggle all three babies for about 10 seconds. OKay, maybe I dropped the 1-year-old one after 8 seconds but isn't that impressive???

Don't worry about the babies safety. I didn't have a dangerous blindfold on!

2007-01-18 06:01:56 · 12 answers · asked by ? 3

Adventures Of A Car Salesman

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."

2007-01-18 05:58:06 · 17 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Russia and the United States were contending about which country would rule the world. They decided to have a dogfight in order to choose, in which they had five years to prepare. The Russians inter-bred several vicious breeds, including a weimaraner, pit bull, rottweiler and a German shepherd. A truly mean dog emerged after five years, and the Russians were confident and ready to take on the U.S.'s dog.

The Russian dog growled loudly as he entered the fight ring. The U.S.’s dog was a very long and low dachshund. The Russian dog lunged at the dachshund, but the dachshund immediately bit off the Russian's dog's head. That was the end of the match, and the U.S. won control of the world.

The Russian breeders and leaders came over to talk with the U.S. officials and said, "It took us five long years to breed a weimaraner with a pit bull, and then a rottweiler and a German shepherd--all into one hybrid dog." So they asked, "What did you do? How could a dachshund defeat our ferocious dog? The U.S. officials answered, "It took us five long years to figure out how to make a crocodile look like a dachshund."

2007-01-18 05:57:29 · 2 answers · asked by punchy333 6

Lawn Mower

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

2007-01-18 05:56:21 · 13 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Revenge

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you **** on its head.

2007-01-18 05:49:08 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Drunken Shopping

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

2007-01-18 05:43:49 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Don't Drink And Drive

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

2007-01-18 05:41:49 · 3 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

It suddenly started to downpour during this party in the woods- thunder, thick rain. These two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain started to let up. They jumped in the car, started it up, and headed down the road, laughing, and of course, still drinking one beer after another.

All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the glass! The passenger screamed out, "OMFG! Look out my window!!! The face!" The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

The passenger rolled down his window part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly asked, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, turned to the driver and shakily whispered , "He
wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver urged..........

(continued below........)

2007-01-18 05:37:43 · 10 answers · asked by punchy333 6

Dont You Hate It When



You've been standing in a grocery store line-up for at least 10 minutes, you're next in line and a cashier opens up a line. Inevitably, all the people in the line behind you run over to the new line and get served before you do.

The boss calls you on his speakerphone.

You buy a new pair of shoes that fit perfectly in the shoe store but start to rub and cause blisters on your feet the moment you actually start wearing them.

Someone 90 years old is doing 30 mph on the expressway in the passing lane.
You ride there tail and they can't see you. You blast your horn and they can't hear you.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat? A warm toilet seat. There's only one way short of magic it could have gotten warm. At first, you're almost thankful it's warm, then you get to thinking... this is the result of another person's ***-warmth.

2007-01-18 05:36:15 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Some guy was walking through the forest when he saw a big hole. He threw in a rock and couldn't hear it ever hit bottom. He looked around for something bigger and louder to throw. He found a rusty bucket and threw it in the hole. Still not a sound. No telling how deep the hole could be. He looked around some more and saw a picnic table.With much effort he pushed the table into the hole and cupped his hand by his ear to listen.

Just then the weirdest thing happened. A donkey came charging at him, jumped in the hole and that was that.

The guy was still stunned 15 minutes later when a farmer came by and asked him a question. "Partner, have you seen my donkey anywhere?" Mr., I tell you it was the damndest thing I'd ever seen. This donkey came charging out of the woods and jumped right into that big hole over there. The farmer looked and said, "nah, couldn't have been my donkey, he was tied to a picnic table."

2007-01-18 05:35:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm freezing!!".

2007-01-18 05:33:42 · 31 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-18 05:33:35 · 6 answers · asked by muskrat_h8r 2

do they contain real blood?

2007-01-18 05:27:21 · 17 answers · asked by jonova2003 3

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

2007-01-18 05:26:50 · 10 answers · asked by BooBoo 3

are driving around in a pickup when they see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The cowboys grin coyly at each other then they get out and have their way with the sheep.

They get back in the truck and tell the gay guy, "Your turn."

So the gay guy gets out and sticks his head in the fence.

2007-01-18 05:13:57 · 11 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

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