Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A salesman was walking down the street and saw a lady to which he had previously sold a purse made out of penis skin. He asked her, "How do you like your new purse?"

She replied, "I love it! When I rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"

2007-01-18 05:08:39 · 18 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

In order to know which pre$ident was the most intelligent, the UN made an IQ test in which they brought 100 chimpanzees; 99 of them were females and only 1 male. The clever pre$ident would be the one who'd recognize the male.

Pre$ident after pre$ident took the test but none succeeded, till George W. Bu$h came and was asked which one of those chimpanzees was the male. Bu$h thought for a while then cried "I'm George W. Bu$h! The greatest genius the world has ever known!" A chimpanzee then cried "ON MY DI*K YOU SON OF A B*TCH!" so Bu$h cried "Gotcha ye little $quirk!" and so he won the competition!!!

2007-01-18 05:08:06 · 5 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.

She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."

"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"

"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.

"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.

"You do me, and I'll owe you one."

2007-01-18 05:05:57 · 8 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

2007-01-18 05:04:27 · 36 answers · asked by Tink 5

10 points to the first one to list all fifty states in alphabetical order!
Hint: Alabama..... Wyoming?

Good luck!!

2007-01-18 05:03:09 · 12 answers · asked by crenshawchica 3

2007-01-18 04:52:06 · 22 answers · asked by Kisawanta 1

There was this blonde who loved to ride horses. She saw this beautiful horse and mounted on She was riding along till she felt herself slippy off. She tries to grab the main of the horse but could not get a grip. Then she tried to throw her arms around the horses neck but she was still slipping. Then she tried to jump off the horse but her foot got stuck on the Stirrup. the horse was riding along dragging the blonde and her head was banging off the ground. She thought she was going to die till out of nowhere the Wal-Mart greeter came out and unplugged the horse.

2007-01-18 04:50:00 · 10 answers · asked by cowboybronco01 4

these guys never knew what they were being filmed for or why 16 other guys were stood waiting on them for...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi1M_H-FNpg

2007-01-18 04:45:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things Mom Would Never Say


"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"


"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"


"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"


"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"


"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"


"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."


"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."


"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"


"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

2007-01-18 04:43:21 · 30 answers · asked by Tink 5

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her bedside table by the bed.? He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

2007-01-18 04:40:16 · 6 answers · asked by Maverick 6

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

2007-01-18 04:40:12 · 15 answers · asked by Tink 5

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

2007-01-18 04:35:09 · 43 answers · asked by Tink 5

A blonde was walking home from work one day when she spotted a brunette up on the train tracks. She walked up to the brunette and heard her repeating "28, 28, 28, 28..." as she continually jumped over the boards between the rails. The blonde thought that it looked like fun, so she started jumping along behind the brunette and also chanting "28, 28, 28,28..." The brunette then suddenly jumped off the tracks as a train came by, killing the blonde instantly. She then calmly got back up on the tracks after the train past and continued to jump along, now saying "29, 29, 29,29...."

2007-01-18 04:30:57 · 6 answers · asked by Maverick 6

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow

goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to

her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know

you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your d*ck is as hard as your

elbow, I'm in Room 221."

2007-01-18 04:27:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good-looking brunette and a gorgeous blonde were walking together in a street when suddenly the envious brunette asked the blonde beauty queen: "Do you see that schlivenbregenshredger hanging down from that window?" The pretty blonde answered: "What's the meaning of window?!"

2007-01-18 04:27:17 · 6 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

2 blondes had just gotten finished shopping at the mall when they got back to their car and realized the keys were locked in it...
-One blonde says, "Oh great we are gonna be stuck here all night!"
-"No, we can call the cops and they can get us in" said the other
-the other one called the cops and told them the entire situation, and he hung up on them laughing
-"What did he say?"
-"I can't believe this, he hung up on me!"
-"What! did you tell them our situation!?"
-"Yea everything! even about how it is about to rain and our windows are down!"

2007-01-18 04:25:47 · 7 answers · asked by tmapes 3

a man was driving down the road and his blonde girlfriend was behind him, he noticed something wrong and called his girlfirend on her cell, "hey babe, is my turn signal working?"
She responded- "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

he eventually hung up

2007-01-18 04:17:34 · 8 answers · asked by tmapes 3

My mum's 77. Beat that!

2007-01-18 04:16:28 · 17 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

Visiting Bin Laden, America's Fir$t Lady cried at him for his terrorist acts. She tried convincing him that what he was doing was un-Islamic, unacceptable to humanity, etc. Bin Laden, moved by her words, agreed to stop terrorism! But on one occasion, he added; he must fu*k her! The astonished respectable lady declared her stern refusal at once, but when Bin Laden threatened to flood America with terrorism, promising far more worse acts than 9/11, she forcefully yielded. After getting satisfied with her, Bin Laden assured the Fir$t Lady that her country was now safe from any terrorist threats. Depressed by what happened, the First Lady confessed to her priest and told him what occured in detail. Touched by her story, the priest advised her to wash her pu$*y at the banks of the Missisippi River to cleanse herself from her sins! As she went there to purify herself, she found the American President washing his ar$*hole there (He has just convinced North Korea to end her nuclear program!)

2007-01-18 04:10:31 · 2 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

A pretty woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

2007-01-18 04:07:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's more than one answer, but the first person to answer with the answer that I am thinking of getsthe 10 points

2007-01-18 04:06:31 · 5 answers · asked by locknkey 3

She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!

2007-01-18 04:02:09 · 12 answers · asked by Jo C 3

Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mummy Mummy, I've got a thorn in my finger - get some apple juice!"

Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"

And the little girl says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

2007-01-18 04:01:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?

2007-01-18 03:41:42 · 7 answers · asked by cowboybronco01 4

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out
until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk
containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover
with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not

soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

2007-01-18 03:36:12 · 19 answers · asked by ? 3

a boy comes to class without socks the teacher askes where have you been he says on top of blueberry hill .then aonther boy come without any pants the teacher asks where have you been he says on top of blue berry hill.then a boy comes naked the teacher askes where have you been he says on top of blue berry hill.then a girl comes the teacher askes who are you she says im blue berry hill.

2007-01-18 03:26:14 · 21 answers · asked by dave94o 1

the hand grip.

2007-01-18 03:24:57 · 11 answers · asked by DEBORAH M 2

Psychic wins Lottery!

Prize Pig Finishes Second at Local Fair, Becomes Disgruntled

Hitman on the Loose in Poland, Dubbed Polish Remover

2007-01-18 03:20:54 · 6 answers · asked by Maverick 6

Ladies, did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"

He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple.

Two calves that will never become cows.

A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere.

A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything.

Twenty nails that won't hold a board.

A chest that won't hold linen.

Two txts that won't give milk.

Two buns that won't feed anyone.

A belly button that won't button.

Two bxlls that won't roll.

An axs that won't pull a plow.

An organ that won't play music.

A cxck that won't crow.

And what are YOU laughing about?

You've got a pxssy that won't catch mice!

2007-01-18 03:19:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up fxcking her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

2007-01-18 03:15:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous