Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny.

> What a great sense of humor and creativity!

> >> When I born, I black,
> >> when I grow up, I black,
> >> when I go in sun,! I black,
> >> when I cold, I black,
> >> when I scared, I black,
> >> when I sick, I black,
> >> and when I die, I still black.
> >>
> >> You white folks....
> >> when you born, you pink,
> >> when you grow up, you white ,
> >> when you go in sun, you red ,
> >> when you cold, you blue ,
> >> when you scared, you yellow,
> >> when you sick, you green,
> >> when you bruised, you purple,
> >> and when you die, you gray.
> >> So who you callin'
> >> COLORED????

xx

2007-01-18 00:33:04 · 14 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite at a campground.


Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.


Impressed, a nearby camper sauntered over and said to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."


"I have a system," the father replied. "No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."



Camping No. 2



A couple enjoyed getting away from their high-stress jobs by spending weekends in their motor home, but their peace and quiet was often disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.


Finally, they found a way to assure themselves privacy.


They painted a sign near their RV's door: "Ask us about our Whole Life policies!"

2007-01-18 00:15:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Male stripper
The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ***, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. .

2007-01-18 00:05:34 · 20 answers · asked by ms01 4

If twin boys married twin girls, and they each had a set of twin baby girls, would the twin sets look alike?

I've been thinking about this forever!

2007-01-17 23:59:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 23:51:35 · 9 answers · asked by amit g 2

Just a warning :

I went to B&Q during my lunch break
as I went in, a guy dressed all in orange came up to me and asked if I wanted decking

fortunately, I got the first punch in.......

2007-01-17 23:42:45 · 13 answers · asked by Vinni and beer 7

For example: 26 L of the A would be 26 letters of the Alphabet.

10 points to whoever can solve it first.

2007-01-17 23:40:36 · 5 answers · asked by Nobody Important 2

since they are taught if you hit it hard enough with a stick candy will come of it?

what are your views

2007-01-17 23:39:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three buddies dared each other to stay in a haunted house for a night.

The first went into the bedroom and heard, "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, and when I do, I'm gonna eat you!"

So he jumped out the window.

The second went into the bedroom and heard, "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, and when I do, I'm gonna eat you!"

So he jumped out the window.

The third went into the bedroom and heard, "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you, and when I do, I'm gonna eat you!"

So, he looked under a bed and saw an elephant picking his nose.

2007-01-17 23:36:52 · 15 answers · asked by think outside the box 2

OK. This is the mechanics, every user shall make a story by making a chain. Use only three words.


When I was lurking around Yahoo! answers.......

2007-01-17 23:28:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Job Opening

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

2007-01-17 23:26:34 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A woman is throwing a themed fancy dress party and the theme is moods, so later that night there is a knock at the door and the person at the door is in all red he states that he has come as anger. The next person is in all green and he says he has come as envy. then the door bell goes and when she opens it there is a 2 men there. 1 standing with his willy in a bowl of custard and the other with his knob inside a pear, looking shocked she asks what have they come as, to which 1 man answers I'm fu(king despair and he's fu(king disgusted.lol lmao

2007-01-17 23:25:02 · 13 answers · asked by Loo 4

2007-01-17 23:24:15 · 12 answers · asked by Alpha-Male 1

What Doctor's Say And What They Are Thinking

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week."
(I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.)

* "Let’s see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I’d like to have my associate look at you."
(He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I’d like to prescribe a new drug."
(I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That’s quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I’m going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I’d like to run some more tests."
(I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.)

2007-01-17 23:21:49 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Police Deptartment

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

2007-01-17 23:19:17 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-17 23:11:25 · 42 answers · asked by GoreyAlan Fáilte 4

a man who lives with just his mother goes on holiday and leaves his beloved cat at home. he asks his brother to pop in every day at the 2oclock and he'll ring up to check on things...
the next day comes and the man rings up, the first thing he sez is
"hows the cat? "
"oh his bro replys, shes dead"
the man cries hysterically and when he finally calms down he sez
" you should have broke it to me gently on the first day you should have sed, yeah, yeah shes fine,
the next day you should have sed, well theres a problem shes stuck on the roof and we are trying to get her down
the next day you should have sed its not lookin good but we are still tryin, then on the last day you should have sed im sorry but she didnt make it...
the brother thinks for a bit and sez "yeah that would have been better. "

the man suddenly remembers his mother...
"hows mum he sez"

OH..... erm shes on the roof!

2007-01-17 23:05:28 · 16 answers · asked by Pinki 2

2007-01-17 23:01:35 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 23:00:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A womans dishwasher was broken and the mechanic said that he would go around and fix but the woman would be out, but the woman agree and said that it would be fine so lond as he didnt talk to the parrot he could talk to the big pitbull he wouldnt do anything. so he arrives and lets himself in the house and makes his was to the dishwasher, and the second the parrot see's him he starts talking to the man and the man does as he was told and just ignores it which riles the parrot up who now starts to torrment him and after a while the parrot is winding him up to much and he flips out and shouts at the parrot to which the parrot replies
"Get him spike "

2007-01-17 23:00:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from school all excited, his Pop seeing his son all fired up asks, "Whats up Johnny".
Johnny says "Pa guess what, I've learned all about sex at school today".
"Oh Great" says Pop, "sit down and tell me all about it".
"I cant", says little Johnny, " My as-s still hurts"

2007-01-17 22:56:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little paddy arrives in school and goes straight to registration.The teacher calls out the names on the register...'Paddy O'Riley???'
'Here Miss!'
'Come out here Paddy.'
Paddy walks sheepishly to the front of the class.
'You were n't in school yesterday Paddy,why was that?'
'Well you see Miss,my mam had a ....um...car.'
'Your mother had a car? That's no excuse,surely you can do better than that!'
'No,wait Miss my mam had a..wheelbarrow...no a..bicycle..no..a..'
'Enough! You obviously don't have a reasonable answer to give me, go home and bring a note from your parents.'But Miss...'
'No buts,off you go!'
Downheartedly Paddy skulks off home and when he arrives he shouts up to his mother:...
'Ma..amm, what was that you said you had yesterday,the teacher wants to know..'
'A miscarriage dear.'
'Damn,I knew it was something with wheels on!'

2007-01-17 22:50:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Then I definitely $h!t my pants!

2007-01-17 22:41:55 · 5 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Pauly was a delightful parrot that everyone enjoyed talking to.He socialized with guests at his owners' frequent cocktail parties. People loved to talk with him & feed him goodies; indeed, he was often seen as the life of the party.

He had one failing, however; Pauly was a horny little devil & had a bad habit of going across the road and terrorizing the neighbors’ chickens. He was a fowl rapist. Oftentimes his owner would have to make excuses to the neighboring farmer when Pauly had been up to no good.

A particularly incident of chicken screwing really landed Pauly in hot water. His owner said, "I just don't know what to do with you! I've threatened you, I've pleaded with you, I've punished you, but nothing I can do seems to keep you out of the chicken house. So, I'm going to try one last thing: I'm going to humiliate you. Tonight, you'll not be allowed to hop about & entertain the guests. Instead, I'm going to shave your head as a sign of shame and make you stay on the piano where everyone can see you."

Pauly took it hard that night, standing there on the piano with a shaved head, not being able to interact with the guests. Each time a couple came into the room, they'd look over at Pauly and have a laugh at his expense, which made matters all the worse. This worked its intended effect until two bald gentlemen came in together.

Pauly took a look at them and said, "Okay, you chicken f**kers, up here on the piano with me."
________________________________________

2007-01-17 22:26:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-01-17 22:19:25 · 6 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

2007-01-17 22:17:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fill in the blank and give the answer: How many___________s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll get the ball rolling with a few examples:

1) YUPPIES--2. One to mix martinis, and the other to call an electrician.
2) JEWISH PRINCESSES--2. One to open the Diet Cokes, and the other to call Daddy.
3) LESBIANS--6. One to screw it in, one to feed the cats, and the other four to form a discussion group as to why it was so much more rewarding than being with a man!
4) TRUMP FAMILY MEMBERS--just one, The Donald. He holds it still and waits for the world to revolve around him!
5) JEWISH GRANDMOTHERS--"Oh, who needs a light bulb? I'll just sit here in the dark, ALL ALONE!"

So, now everybody else's turn! Get creative! Best one gets 5 stars and 10 points! Have fun!

2007-01-17 22:16:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

2007-01-17 22:11:26 · 1 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

2007-01-17 22:05:56 · 5 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Once upon a time (not too long ago) a young sailor contracted a STD while he was on shore leave in China. So, he goes on sick call to get it taken care of, and upon examination the Navy Dr tells the sailor " I've never seen this before, but I've heard of it,, and the only known cure is amputation. The young sailor's face turns white, and he exclaims Noooooo, refuses to accept the dr's diagnosis, and demands a second opinion. Second dr tells him the same thing, but adds, since you got the disease in China,, maybe you should see a Chinese Dr. So, he does. The young sailor asks the Chinese Dr to examine him and tell him if his penis will have to be amputated. Doctor looks at him,, shakes his head in the negative, and tells the sailor, no need to amputate,, I see this many times before. The sailor is overjoyed to hear this and asks, " what should I do to rid myself of the disease? The Doctor replies, " Nothing. Just wait for 3 days and it fall off by itself!!

2007-01-17 22:04:51 · 4 answers · asked by tee_nong_noy 3