Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Hey! I have a "creating my own business" project due in a few weeks and I decided to get a jump start on it. I know this is mis-catagorized but Imore people view this section than others. Please answer as many as you can. Remember this is me creating a business. Please put the question number then your response.(i.e 1. Blah blah blah is important in careers because of advertising. 2. Blah blah blah is not important because of situations)

Thanks for all the help. I really appreciate it.

catagory 1
Professional Development
1 What skills are needed to enhance career progression
2 Importance of a vision statement
3 Importance of setting personal goals
4 Demonstrating negotiation skills
5 Sources of career information

catagory 2
Selling
1 Importance of relationship between service and distribution
2 What are the key factors in building clientele
3 Use of technology in the selling function
4. How to coordinate distribution with other marketing activities

2007-01-17 18:18:49 · 2 answers · asked by Arthur 2

Two friends were walking down the street when one noticed two women approching "My God!" said one "Here comes my wife and my mistress,together."

The other man looked up and said "Good God,you took the words right out of my mouth."

2007-01-17 18:04:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a guy who was in his car with a blonde, the were making out and having a great time, he then asks her "Do you want to go in the back?" She replies, "No" so he accepts her anwer and they continue. About ten minutes later the windows are all fogged up and he, once more asks "Do you want to go to the back?" She again replies, "No!" He waits a little while, though frustrated, he figures, mabey she will give in soon. He is now to the point of unzipping her pants, and he again, with hope of the "Yes" answer asks her, "Now do you want to go in the back seat?" She once more replies "NO!!!" he asks "WHY?!?!?!" she says "Because I want to stay up here with you!!!" (Corny I know but do you think it is funny?)

2007-01-17 17:36:25 · 27 answers · asked by Rascal_Flatts_Fanatic! 2

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

2007-01-17 17:31:13 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Or is it?

2007-01-17 17:23:50 · 10 answers · asked by jedi1josh 5

Sipho is laying on the beach working on his tan.
When a young woman asks him "Are you relaxing"?
He replied "No, i'm Sipho"
A while later a man walks up to him and ask the same question, "Are you relaxing"?
Again the reply came, "NO i'm Sipho"!!!
The same thing happens for about an hour...

Sipho decided to find another spot where he can work on his tan, as he walked down the beach he saw a guy (more educated than him) also working on his tan.

Sipho asks the guy: "Are you relaxing"?
The guy replies, "Yes i'm relaxing"?

Sipho slapped the tan off of the guy and says to him, "Hey wenna, everyone is looking for you over there and you are here having a tan"!!!!

2007-01-17 17:18:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dad went to jail for a year. He wants me to send him a letter every week. I wanna send him a funny joke with each letter. Please send me the funniest joke you know. Nothing too disgusting or jail related...he's my dad. As long as it has nothing to do with sex there are no other boundaries. Thank y ou.

2007-01-17 17:12:41 · 11 answers · asked by Lexi Lexington 3

and sent them to the library. I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

2007-01-17 17:08:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women.

The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women.

Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies..."Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

2007-01-17 17:01:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have two candlesticks, one thick and one thin. They each take exactly one hour to burn out completely. How do you light them so that you know when 45 minutes have passed?


Helpful hint: You can light either side of each candle - when you light both ends, the candle burns out twice as fast!

Note: You cannot use anything to help you time it, or that might affect it. No props, only you and the candles. You cannot use a timer, you can't cut or break the candles in half, nothing.

First person to get the closest to correct answer gets a Best Answer!!

2007-01-17 16:59:21 · 9 answers · asked by ♥ ҜẴŘ€Ŋ 3

One day Pepito was eating a delicious lollipop and dropped it on the ground. He thought it was no problem, he simply going to pick it up and wash the dirt off.His grandma said "Don't eat that the devil already licked it." So he left it there. Later on, his grandma falls on to the ground and says "Pepito,come pick me up" but Pepito said "No the devil already licked you"

2007-01-17 16:53:46 · 10 answers · asked by SNIPER 2

HE : "I don't now why you wear a bra
you've got nothing to put in it."
SHE : "You wear pants don't you?"


HE : "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
SHE : "That's a good idea-you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"


Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's
in bed and go to the fridge.


Man : "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God : "So you would love her."
Man : "But, God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God : "So she would love you."

2007-01-17 16:43:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into labor. The doctor has a new machine he wants try out. It tranfers the mother's labor pains to the father so he can share the experience. He is concerned because he isn't sure if a man could handle the pain of childbirth. They agree to test it. The doctor sets it for 10%, the man is fine and his wife is in less pain, they up it to 20%. Since the husband never complains and the wife is doing great, no pain, they give the husband all the labor pain.
When the husband returns home he finds the milkman dead on the porch. He died in horrible pain.

2007-01-17 16:34:33 · 11 answers · asked by Pantherempress 7

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
"BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -

She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."


3. She is not "EASY" -

She is "HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE."


4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -

She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -

She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" -

She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -

She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"


8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -

She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."


9. She does not "NAG" you -

She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


10. She is not a "TRAMP" -

She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."


11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" -

She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."


12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST
PROVIDER."

2007-01-17 16:32:42 · 4 answers · asked by damian s 2

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he
replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I
will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the
ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge
erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the
crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."

2007-01-17 16:20:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its just a joke, no intention to harm anyone's feeling

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She's having triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

2007-01-17 16:19:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what can u see in the middle of the sea?

2007-01-17 16:13:15 · 29 answers · asked by Tuffx2 1

2007-01-17 16:09:20 · 6 answers · asked by Tony G 1

solve this again? if u can. haa haa?
a mother and a daughter went shoping by car, and suddendly had an accident, the mother died and the daughter was taken to the hospital,
when she reach the hospital, a nurse came running and said "hey that girl is my daughter, what happend to her?", well the question is this, who is that nurse?

and if u choose ur answer, pliz try to explain why.

(remember, the wounded girl's family is not a divorce family)

so try it...first one to get the answer will be chosen as my best answer.

2007-01-17 16:06:59 · 17 answers · asked by Tuffx2 1

If a really dark man, black as night is in the middle of the road at night, but your head beams are not on, you have no other light coming from your car or anyone elses car or themselves either, his eyes are closed, his his hands are closed ,his feet are flat on the ground, and he has nothig on that is shiny, he has on all black, and the moon is not out. How can you see him?

2007-01-17 15:56:13 · 15 answers · asked by t_tot_43 2

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left. Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed, "Again?"

The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain. I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"So, what did you do?"

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.... Some things you just can't explain."

2007-01-17 15:54:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

From the beginning of eternity To the end of time and space To the beginning of every end And the end of every place. What am I?

2007-01-17 15:44:47 · 12 answers · asked by t_tot_43 2

A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?

2007-01-17 15:39:49 · 21 answers · asked by t_tot_43 2

A woman finally got divorced from a rather nasty and egotistical man. She then re-married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When her ex-husband happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like screwing a used pus*y?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

2007-01-17 15:39:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-17 15:21:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If god created the top half of a women who created the bottom?
The council of corse who else would put a play area near a s hit hole

2007-01-17 15:14:47 · 20 answers · asked by Heavenly20 4

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:

The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-01-17 15:12:46 · 11 answers · asked by Ace 5

2007-01-17 15:12:42 · 9 answers · asked by Tracy S 1

2007-01-17 14:56:49 · 6 answers · asked by kim b 1

... it sounds like four fat nun's clapping?

2007-01-17 14:55:15 · 14 answers · asked by kim b 1